Man Issues: Valentine's Day

Ba fucking humbug is what I say to Valentine's Day. I mean don't get me wrong, it's a legit holiday for the 1% of people who actually are in a meaningful relationship. I mean my girlfriend is awesome enough to realize I'm broke as shit, so a trip to Denny's and some chocolates might be it this year. But for the rest of the world it's just Hallmark tricking dudes into buying candy for women they don't care about. And taking them to dinner. And that makes Valentine's Day shitty, because although some girls might understand you are just humoring them so they don't cry all day, some will become stage-5 clingers in the process. Not good.

You know why guys? This is a guilt holiday. All girls think about is "everyone has a Valentine but me." So then single guys get fucked, some girl you've been banging is like "what are we doing for V-Day?" And you are either a complete asshole and say "I'm kicking back and having a beer, what about you?" Or, like most suckers, you cave. You take her out to dinner or get her something. She might parade you around like she actually cares about you. She doesn't, she just wants to show her friends that she isn't the ugly, unlovable one.

Remember gentleman, for 99% of girls Valentine's Day is some sort of pride competition left over from 2nd grade. Men, and our wallets, are just caught in the crossfire.


But fear not, I do have some strategies for saving money for the people who actually matter, yourselves, on Valentine's Day.


Phase One: Make up a plan with a made-up person.
This is a no-brainer phase. When the hoes come a-calling, just say you have plans with some unknown female. Hell you could go balls out and be that guy who makes up a girlfriend somewhere just to make the deception concrete.


Phase Two: Play the Scrooge Card.
If you can, use some sort of excuse about how you always boycott Valentine's Day because it commercializes love. If this backfires and the hoe thinks you are deep and insightful, remind her that made-up girlfriend is around, watching. She'll probably just think you're an asshole, which you are, so it's fine.


Or, if you want to work in a complex scheme for a sympathy lay, I recommend saying that Valentine's Day brings back harsh memories of a bitch who broke your heart in the past. It forces the girl to respect that you don't want to take her to fucking Friendly's, AND also works in the sensitive angle to get you one step closer to hitting that. She might also think you're a whiny douche, but fuck her, she's a bitch anyway.


Phase Three: Attitude.
Never call clingy Valentine's hoe your valentine. It will just make her cling even harder, no one wants that. Another trick, pre-arrange to fuck said needy hoe after dinner, she will bend to such demands because the alternative is her sitting in bed crying and eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's. Getting a free meal is awesome, and taking your chode for thirty seconds after is a small price to pay. 

Tastes like rejection!

But don't let her negotiate the arrangement. Because the needy-yet-prude girl will jump on you with words like "snuggle" and "spoon" when what you're looking for after a steak dinner is more like "fuck" and "hire a midget to walk on me while I suck on your foot." Let her know that all this random, commercially-driven spending isn't going to come free.

If all else fails and you can't remember any of this bullshit, just keep in mind that if you aren't in love, Valentine's Day is built to fuck you. The ladies are all primed for clinging and being needy, and your wallet is ripe for throwing out sympathy bucks. Don't fall for it gentlemen, unless you know you are getting some. Navigating Valentine's Day is tricky, and is best done with careful practice. Keep your head down, and your wallet closed.