Man Issues: Douchebaggery, Not for Everyone

Okay this is a very important issue for men everywhere. Douchebaggery, we know how to spot it. The problem is, how do we draw the line between just being a douche, and being something worthy of a fifth of Jack to the temple?

The basics of this issue are as follows:

• Being a douche works for famous people, we are all force-fed their bullshit through TV and movies, so guys everywhere try to act like Tucker Max, buddy you don't got what it takes.
• Girls like douches. This is another huge issue, most girls don't like nice guys, they like to be treated like gum on your shoe. Ladies don't even start, you know it's true.
• The Holy Grail of douches everywhere, the Tucker Max "So mean it's nice" thing does not exist. He has other things in the works that pull in the pussy. You, my friend, do not have these things. 

Let's begin.
There are several definitions of douchebag on urban dictionary, we'll use this one for our purposes.

douchebag- An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.

So, now, for those of you who are too fucking moronic to know what a douchebag is, here are some easy ones.

Douchebaggery at its finest

Any member of the Jersey Shore cast (besides Vinny). They are probably the best example on TV right now. Self-absorbed, with a sense of entitlement only because of their involvement with an MTV show that they were cast on just because they have the I.Q.'s of my dog and loudly think they are God's gift to people with the intelligence above household appliances. And they are "guidos" which, I will tell you my fellow men, is just a code word for douchebag. If you think this term is related to Italian pride in any way you need to restart your education from kindergarten. Now.

Now I know what you're thinking, reader who is questioning their douche-status. The other prime example of a douchebag who created a storm of douches is Tucker Max. If you don't know, he wrote "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" and "Assholes Finish First". I've only read the first one, and goddamn it I love that book, but look people. Tucker Max is something you cannot be if you just decide to go out and get really wasted and act like a smart asshole to girls. Tucker Max is a law student grad. You aren't. He is actually smart. He is an alcoholic, which you might be. But I guarantee you do not pull the pussy he does. So just don't try guys. Get your own game.

The thing is, some men have like this magical recipe for being a pimp. Charlie Sheen, does massive amounts of blow and throws chairs but women will still stand in line at the South Pole to suck on his VD-infested dick. Tucker Max, will be approached in bars and picked up by girls now because he is famous. Don't fool yourself into thinking his game is being an asshole. His game is being famous. You are not famous. Being a douche will work with self-loathing sluts. So will any verbal suggestion of coitus. They are sluts, you can do whatever you want and end up getting a rimjob while you play Call of Duty. It's just what they do.

Now, this being said. I love certain types of douchebaggery. The sarcastic part of the douche equation is my favorite, especially when talking to idiots. But look people, you can't just roll around being a prick to everyone. And I know some of you try, so very very hard. But just because Daddy wasn't around or Mommy didn't hold you doesn't mean you can walk around being an idiot trying to get your dick into something wet. Because here is the Achilles heel of the douchebag.

And that's the bigger douche. This creates an arms-race douche pissing contest that happens every Jersey Shore episode and makes all involved look like morons.

Him Tucker Max, you just douche

Okay, now, some of you may still be denying you or someone you know is a massive pile of steaming hot douche. Here's a checklist.

1. Do you use the word "bro" too much? I'm talking like you get in a fight with your girlfriend and slip out a "that's pretty shady bro." You are a douche.
2. Are you a man and you spend anytime in excess of two minutes looking at yourself in the mirror? All dudes are ugly you are not special, no one loves you, sorry douche.
3. Have you ever hit a woman? Douche.
4. Are you the type of drunk who starts fights with anyone for any reason?
5. Do you go to the gym everyday to get super ripped because your dick is really small? Silly fake-confidence douche.
6. Do you take longer to get ready for anything than your girlfriend? Goddamn you're racking up douche points.
7. Do you remove your body hair in any sort of major way? Metro-douche.
8. Is your pick-up game limited to seventh grade one-liners and telling a girl your gym routine? Douche
9. Have you ever done the thing only chicks should do? Taking pictures or yourself, possibly shirtless, to put on Facebook or Twitter or something? Only douchebags take their own picture. You have no real friends.
10. Have you ever been in a tanning bed? Auto man-douche.
11. Look down at your nipples, is one pierced? Douche.

If the answer is yes to about four of the thing on this list, you are sadly a douchebag my friend.

I apologize for crushing you like this, but you can change. Try being a real human, not using "bro" anymore, and stop overcompensating for your chode by waxing your eyebrows and juicing to look like the Hulk. Because look, I like to think of myself at the last bastion of anti-douche. I can out-douche you using all the brainpower of a seven year-old. You will feel dumb. Stop being a douche gentleman, and as always, bros before hoes.