Another Restaurant Rant

Alright now Mother's Day is a traditional restaurant holiday. Mom doesn't want to cook, Dad wants her to shut up, so the whole family goes out for a nice meal.

So of course the hole I work at is dead on Mother's Day and we are just jerking each other off with our feet in the back when a seemingly lovely family of four comes in. My shithead radar instantly goes off when the bratty daughter, who looks about four, throws a temper tantrum about the seating arrangement. Mother, clearly raised in the same spoiled way her kids are, threatens to take everyone home. Dad is already pissed.

So gramma and grandpa sit downa nd everyone shuts the fuck up, for like three seconds. First, the mom orders a Bellini, sparkling wine and peach flavoring. As I drop a basket of bread on the table and try to run, she waves me over and says "This doesn't taste like a Mimosa." I look down and her and muster a neutral expression "Miss, it's a Bellini." She looks at me the way you do when someone says something and you could not give two fucks if it were true and says "I'd like one of those (specialty martini)." The waiter brings it over and she asks "you'll take the other drink off the tab right?"

If only we could put a bullet in the brain-stem of the obnoxious lass

Alright you pretentious fucking whore. If you wanted a Mimosa, you could just say Mimosa instead of thinking you are cool and ordering what you think is the same thing, with a cooler name. Then, maybe you wouldn't come off as a super-bitch by demanding the drink you ordered stupidly be taken off the tab.

Now up to this point the people aren't being ridiculous. But here is the one nightmare that any restaurant employee fears more than salmonella.

Roaming children.

These kids were probably 4-3, one girl and one boy. And once they were done eating the parents just let them wander the fucking restaurant like it was gramma's house. Oh whats this a stack of business cards? The little fuckers gather them up and start placing them all over. Oh a sugar caddy? Let me take out all the packets and throw them everywhere. While the mother just sits there like fucking nothing is wrong and this is cool. Why are you not embarrassed that on Mother's Day your fucking satan-spawn don't have anything resembling human manners?

You might ask yourself "why not ask the people to control their kids?" Think about it, these people are about to tip you, how do you get them to wrangle their spoiled little fuckers without pissing them off? Remember the parents are bigger assholes than their little shits who have never heard "no". So you just ride out the storm, clean the mountain of crumbs from under their table, and tack on the group rate sure as shit. 18% guarantee for your two little fucking tornadoes, bitch.

Lucky for me this was the last table I had to deal with and their tip was enough for me to go out and do lines of coke off a crack whore before paying her to let me sock her in the face, pretending it was this mother, or her kids, either way.