I Support KONY

Alright yesterday I guarantee you got spammed by this fucking anti-KONY shit. Kony is the leader of a group in Uganda who are committing war crimes and slaughtering people. 

Here is my letter to the fucking people spamming everywhere.

Dear Idiots,
On behalf of rational people everywhere I beseech you, stop spamming Facebook with this Kony shit. Here is a list of other massive slaughters going on around the world that you haven't heard of or don't care about for some reason

1. Somalia
2. Congo
3. Burma
4. Sudan
5. Syria

So I'm going to take the liberty of establishing some rules to seperate people who actually care about the slaughter in Uganda and those who are being fuckers.

Rule One: I promise that 99% of Americans can't locate Uganda on a map or even talk about the country at all.

Rule Two: Liking a Facebook post or reposting some article about the incident doesn't actually do anything. If you want to actually help then fucking sign up to join the UN peacekeeping forces or get off your motherfucking computer and raise money to help victims or something. Social media doesn't stop bullets you fucking first world morons.

Rule Three: You can only say you care about genocide if you care ALL THE TIME. I know everyone is just reading one article going "oh no how terrible!" reposting the stupid thing and then continuing on with their lives.

Listen, just don't act like some holier-than-thou activist when you really aren't. I know you are more concerned with your March Madness pool than people being killed in Africa. I just ask that people be honest.

Anyway if you want to sit through a 30 minute guilt trip about a country you don't know or understand than tune in for this snoozer that started all the hipster humanitarians in a frenzy.



But just be honest and don't watch it because I know you don't care enough to actually do anything. I'll be the first to admit that I don't.

And if you do care, power to you. Go grab an AK and a plane ticket and make the dude stop.

Peyton and Colts parting ways

From Newser:
The "sources" were right: Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts announced today that he won't be playing for the team next season after 14 years, reports the Indianapolis Star. "It's weighed heavy on my heart," said an emotional Manning. "But I am at peace with it." Colts owner Jim Irsay said the circumstances of the QB's hefty contract were "too difficult to overcome," adding that the team would retire Manning's No. 18. So where to next? 

Bleacher Report has five teams here that should be on the top of the list. "As I go, I go with just a few words ... for Colts fans," said Manning. "Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I truly have enjoyed being your quarterback."

Peace Peyton

I'm calling this shit right fucking now. Some shit team is going to pay for Manning and then he is going to re-injure his neck and be done forever. Every time a quarterback gets hit it jars his whole head and neck. Good luck lasting the next few years in the NFL Peyton.

If I were him I'd just star in commercials and become a commentator or some shit. Why keep playing until you get your neck snapped off? Fucking of course all pro athletes are ego maniacs so he'll play until he leaves the field on a stretcher.

Humpday Hotty: Louise Cliffe

Louise Cliffe, ever heard of her? OF course you haven't, that's why I'm here. Apparently she is some kind of all-around hot chick from the UK. Singer, dancer, model AKA she's smokin' so she can do whatever the fuck she wants. We got some titty shots too so be careful on this shit at work bros.

Happy 100th Birthday Oreos

From Phoenix New Times:

​Today, the cookie sandwich known as the Oreo turns one-hundred years old, and for the millions who routinely enjoy its near-perfect and seemingly un-screw-upable taste (I prefer the Double Stuf variety straight from my freezer), it's just as awesome today as it was on March 6, 1912, when the company was founded in Chelsea, New York City. 

How to celebrate a century of goodness? The brand's owner, Kraft Foods, is going all out with a worldwide campaign that includes a limited-edition birthday cake flavor, its own website and Facebook page, and seven surprise flash-mob-style celebrations -- one of which is right here in Phoenix. 

Crackalicious or kill yourself bad?

I am so torn about this birthday Oreo flavor. I mean for fuck's sake all I need is a reason to mow down Oreos by the bucket load. But no one can argue against the almighty Oreo. I mean as far as cookies go who are you going to put up against Oreo? Nutter Butter? Good but I mean Oreo, that is just the pinnacle of cookies. I just hope they didn't fuck up this birthday cake shit and make them taste like a butthole covered in sweetener. Gross.

Anyway I'm definitely trying thios new flavor and happy birthday to the illest cookie around. Deep-fried, frozen, doused in milk, any way you like 'em, the Oreo is king. And old as shit too.

Assassin's Creed III Trailer

Alright that shit looks pretty badass. I mean this game could be the next video game blockbuster. It looks like you are basically Mel Gibson in the Patriot but with athletic ability. And without the anti-semitism. Anyway, if the game play actually includes hopping from tree-to-tree Tarzan style and slashing down redcoats it's probably going to be pretty fucking sick. And if there is anything involving a full-scale revolutionary war style battle I'm in all fucking day.