Four Lokos

Okay, I had to do it. My mouth has been shut long enough. Now finally people are going crazy over Four Lokos. You've had 'em, I've had too many of 'em, they are bringing college level education in the U.S. to its knees.

I first cracked a delicious Four Loko this June, and I'll never be the same. But some people just don't know when to quit. The first night I discovered them I had three and a half and spent at least a full thirty minutes vomiting and convulsing. And watching the Celtics lose the NBA Finals. All I can say is, Four Lokos proves veteran drinkers from rookies. You must respect the Four Loko, it'll fuck you up, but go too far, and the fucking doesn't stop until the next afternoon. These girls learned the hard way. Like the article says, apparently Four Loko is equivalent to six beers and five coffees.

I checked barstool yesterday and BC issued an e-mail warning about Four Lokos. This is getting out of hand, everyone knows the last bastion of drinking horrifically deadly things is college.

So wait a minute, parents and college are trying to stop kids from drinking Four Lokos because it has so much caffeine and alcohol? In my mind it's all economics.

Duh:
5 coffees=10$ at Dunkin Doughnuts
6 pack= 12$
which makes a "homemade" Four Loko would cost 22$.

Real Four Lokos=3.50$ per can

No wonder poor college kids guzzle it like its the elixir of the Gods. Give us some credit old people. We got our economics down, and economics say we wanna get loko! You say they're going to be made illegal? Okay, so now everyone is just buying by the case instead of singles, good call again old people.

And don't fault the company for hitting every major demographic in colleges across the country:

Frat Boys: Who needs to fuck around with roofies and a punch bowl when you got a case of these bad boys? Nothing puts a freshman girl to the floor like a couple Four Lokos. And these guys mean business. Frat boys basically worship the drink these days, using forklifts to buy palette upon palette. Stock up all you AEPi's and TKE's, if they're made illegal, you gotta go back to good old fashioned roofies and jungle juice, and who wants that?

Freshman: From above we know how the freshman women consume Four Loko, chugging one and waking up the next morning naked in a frat house. But there is another group here, possibly the most poor, desperate, demographic known to mankind. The freshman male is both broke AND always looking to get blackout drunk because all his female peers are snatched up by upperclassmen. So where can you throw that 3.50$ and get the most bang for your buck? Look no further than the delicious Four Loko. Mhmm crying about missing mommy and not getting laid never felt so good.

Lastly, The Tanks: Tanks are college staples, you know that one three hundred pound lineman on the football team who can guzzle any alcohol to the point of a normal persons death, during pregame. Well, for the serious drinker, Four Lokos is a must. Nothing gives you more drunk in as little liquid, besides delving into absinthe or 151 or moonshine, but I mean, lets keep it somewhat civil. The Tank loves Four Loko because it is his equal. It can tame any self proclaimed "Tank" and prove or disprove one's tolerance for the devil's piss.

Becuase these groups loves Four Loko, it will never die, if it is made illegal a smart company with a similar product (no thank you Sparks) will come around and made cake off of it until it also becomes illegal.

Long Live Four Loko