Man Issues: The Do's and Dont's of Porn

Okay men, this could be the most important issue to any number of men. Sad but true. But you might ask yourself "C'mon man, what's the issue with porn?"

The answers are potentially endless. I'll go over a list of possible issues good and bad related to the viewing of pornography.

Porn is a man's escape. A way to explore different corners of the sexual world without hiring as midget to stand on your chest, ass toward your face, while you jerk off and choke yourself. Just watch a movie instead, trust me. It can also benefit your partner, learning new moves like the "piledriver" and the good old "hold her eye open and blow one in it," a fan favorite.

Look ma no hands!

Porn is also a means of stress relief. Had a bad day at work, need to bang out a long paper or project, have a tug beforehand to clear your mind. Anyway, now to the information.

First of all, let's rate your porn IQ

Question 1: Do you pay for your porn?
If the answer is yes, kill yourself
If no, let's move on

Now, we are not going to rate the merits of different sites. I've found that even talking to women, everyone is fiercely loyal to their favorite site. Mine went down a couple of weeks ago for like four days, and I almost jumped into traffic. By the way my site is xnxx.com and it's the best so fuckyoupornnoobs.

You all know Sasha Grey from Entourage right?

Okay, now to the informative shit.

Issue #1 Relationship negotiations

If you find yourself in a relationship and for some reason are a pussy-whipped bitch whose girlfriend tries to not let watch porn, there is a major issue. Girls who don't want you to watch porn should be met with fierce anger on this point.

First explain that if you are not going to watch porn, then she must be your porn. Any time there is sex, blowjobs, or even a handy necessary, she must comply. Any girl will fucking give you the porn when you deliver this condition. OR within a week she'll be sick of servicing you every 45 minutes and let you watch your movies, or dump you for being such a horndog. I did warn you.

Or, now this is only for seasoned veterans of the porn defense. Try to get your girl to watch something with you. Don't whip out the midget gang bang, keep it vanilla for this one unless you happened to be dating a porn star, in which case all bets are off as is, and I know you aren't dating one you lying fuck. Get her to watch with you, and then get it on yourselves. It's the best of both worlds, foreplay and porn, then you actually get to bang someone instead of just nutting on your brand new sweatpants and now they are nutty for life, fuckin' a.

Another approach if your girlfriend could be defined as a "tight-ass" or "Mormon." Just deny you even know what porn is, keep your browser history clear, and stick to mouth to mouth missionary position until you eventually hire a Thai hooker to kill you after she poops on your chest. Or break up with the girl. I'm just laying out options my friends.

Bree Olson, so wholesome

Issue #2 How Much is Too Much?

Okay now, I think the average man knows his limits and has a comfortable level of masturbation/porn viewing in his life. But there are some warning signs that you should back off for a week, interact with real girls, and try to actually stick your dick in something warm AND natural.

If: You find yourself beginning to actually become a porn snob, you have an issue. Now i know everyone has a set of standards, but when it gets a bit too high you need to cut back. Like when non-HD isn't good enough or you care about camera angles. C'mon dude, the long and short of it is a cock going into a vag, the rest is mostly just preference.

Eva Angelina, but I'm sure you didn't know that

If: you find yourself often having a moment of clarity when searching for some crazy-ass porn, you may need to back off for a bit. Finding yourself miraculously on a donkey video site or some shit, it didn't happen by accident bro, you just have an issue. Tolerance to porn doesn't cause the need for more, it causes the need for crazier shit. So when the videos get too crazy, relax, for all of us. A good rule of thumb is think of if you would tell your boys about the video, if you would, it's probably harmless. If you wouldn't even tell your best friend and you C Cleaner that shit right after you're done, I'd say it's too far.

As far as masturbation in general, let's say that once a day keeps the doctor away. MAX. Christ, maybe in the darkest days of teenage horndogness three times a day was possible, but dude, think about your dick. Don not make it horrific for him. He needs rest, like anything else. Once a day is fine, maybe more if you're used to getting laid a shit ton and hit a dry spell. More is chafing and more work than play and we're not fourteen anymore.

Also, any semi-public to public viewing of porn is too much. You laugh, but I've heard of people watching it in college classes and shit. Multiple stories. Dude. If a chick sees that you are creeper-status for the rest of time unless you're hung like Tommy Lee, which in any case would make getting hard in class even worse. DO NOT DO IT. You have a problem if it's even crossed your mind. Sick bastard. You really can't wait to get back to the dorm? Get help my friend.

Most clothes Jenna Haze has had on Since '01

Issue #3 Don't take it too far.

We all know what this means. If you've ever thought it'd be hot to call your girl a filthy whore and she replied by sinking her teeth into your dick hard enough to make you cry like a bitch, you know what I'm saying. Porn is porn, that bitch gets paid to get nasty shit done (and said) to her while you watch. Your girlfriend/hookup doesn't. When you can't separate the girl you actually have feeling for from the girl you watch take on a roomful of dudes, you're overdoing it.

Girls like dirty talk and a guy who does things "different" but that is not a free invitation to shove your greasy thumb in her ass or call her a worthless piece of fuckmeat. See how well that shit works. Ever been kicked in the nads? You don't want to know how bad that feels. Learning from porn is fine, but thinking your girlfriend is Sasha Grey so you bring 35 close friends to blow on her face doesn't really translate to maintaining a relationship, or getting laid twice by the same chick.

Issue #4 Body Image.

Okay, this one is tricky because I know some women are like feminist nazi's and are like "If I shave, you shave." I say fuck that shit. Nothing looks weirder than a naked cock and balls. Men are hairy, we are supposed to be. And women should be clean and relatively hair-free. Sorry ladies, it's just how it is. Women's bodies are sexy, we don't want them covered. Guys are all beat as shit, so we cover our fat with hair. It works for both parties. So guys, don't do the porn star triangle or some crazy shit. It looks weird as fuck my friend, not cool. If your girl is a psycho bitch, then dump her. And don't give me this, "it makes your junk look bigger," defense. Dude. If shaving your nuts is the only solution to making your chode look bigger, there are so many more issues I can't even go into. You need Extenze Supermax Turbo or something.

This goes for other body hair as well, not just pubic. Manscaping has been addressed in an earlier "Man Issues" post, but I'll reiterate. Men should be hairy.

Mackenzee Pierce

Porn is a great thing. It gives respectable women a break from being on their backs, and cum-dumpsters a profession that is right above prostitution, but essentially the same thing. It allows men release after a hard days work. It does not bitch at you for leaving the seat up. But like anything else abuse it, or let it go to your head, and Godzilla status disaster can follow. Follow these tips and guidelines, and use common sense. See your doctor twice annually to check for carpal tunnel or "jacker's elbow." Tommy John surgery may follow. You'll be fine my friends, just be smart.