Man Issues: Loose Wifey? Kegelmaster That Bitch!

So earlier I was hanging out with my roommates and the talk somehow got into Kegel's exercises. Someone told me about male Kegels. I guess man kegels are for ED or some shit.

I'm a man of the people and I know some of you dudes can't get it up, so start clenching your butthole, limp dick motherfuckers.


I can get hard, so I ignored that. But on my search I found something that will haunt my dreams for the rest of the week. This, my friends, is the Kegelmaster.

I know, scary right? Apparently this is what happens when you are a mother of four and need to tighten that shit up because your husband threatened to find a chick with a vag he can't walk into and live in like a cave.

I mean that thing looks sinister. Apparently you shove the left side in your box and hold the handle and squeeze that shit. Anyway I'm just trying to give you guys hope. Get her one of these and tell her to start squeezing so that you can't put a beer bottle in her next to your dick. No one wants to fuck a vag that's a combo vagina and cup-holder. Get 'em while they're hot guys. These are going to be the hot present for 2011.

But for those of us who don't need this thing, it is horrifying. Look at that shit. If I was a chick I wouldn't care if I needed to put a champagne bottle in my snatch to get off, better a bottle of Andre than that fucking scary-ass shit. No thanks. 

That being said, if your guy gets you one of these ladies, fucking use it. It's just his way of saying that fisting you is getting old.