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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Sports Desk Issue 1: The Masters


The 2012 Masters

The Return of Old Tiger or Revitalization of New Tiger?

The Chicago Blackhawks are putting the screws to a Detriot team unable to compete with the graceful Chicago team. The Blackhawk’s coordinated touch passing makes Detriot look even older than they already are. There are some dangerous Indians out there in Illinois. Red Wing possessions are far between and uncoordinated. The stiff fore-check they face only allows for solo dances toward the net by the nimblest Red Wing players. If Datsyuk can’t get through, then Detriot is doomed.

45 seconds left and a sudden 2-2 tie sees the sharpshooters of the Red Wings pull even with the Blackhawks on a scorching between the leg pass to Datsyuk who was waiting to drop the puck right into the twine. Five hours to story time and I’m neither drunk nor stoned, catch up will be swift and complete.

3:45 Blunt rolled and rum poured. The hockey shootout gave Chicago some justice when puck-meister Datsyuk went between his legs and failed to regain enough control of the puck to score.

Saturday around 4:30 I was wondering what the legacy of the 2012 Masters would be. Could Tiger Woods make it two back-to-back wins for his fifth green jacket? More likely by 11PM EST tomorrow Tiger will be holed up in the Palms in Vegas doing a potent cocaine-Viagra  mix off a na├»ve pornstar’s ass while Lee Westwood or Fred Couples’ is given the coveted jacket in Georgia.

Tiger now sits watching from +3 (he went even with the course today when leaders are making -5 type monstrous climbs) as the other players finish. He is probably on the phone with his agent demanding the stocking of his secret Vegas harem with drugs, women, and a putting surface fitted in his suite.

Phil “Lefty” Mickelson seems more likely to pull out a Sunday run, but the young guns may knock him off yet. The strong swings of the young players provide the long drives necessary to shorten the unforgiving Augusta National fairways.

The old guard may pack it in after this, forced out of relevance by the young guns who take advantage of the high purses Woods and Mickelson have earned for the sport, but Freddy Couples and Phil Mickelson want their share of the 8 million up for grabs tomorrow. But the greens abuse everyone regardless of age.

ESPN 2 has a collegiate lumberjack competition on, Jesus. “Springboard” is an event involving cutting into a tree enough to allow a plank to stand about three feet off the ground. Then the contestant stabs a plank into the first tree-slit, and cuts another slit for three steps. Then, at the top of the tree, the contestant must cut the top piece off the tree faster than the other competitor. Oh no, Night at the Roxbury is on as well. It’s a psychotic television trifecta, with rum as its lubricant.

Back to Phil begging his tee shot to cut. Watching the golfer beg his ball to cooperate  is why the Masters is popular, the duffer can relate to the pro being beaten around by Augusta because the duffer gets abused by his local par 29. And Westwood misses a one foot putt to lose a share of the lead. The youth is frustrated.
In Collegiate log-cutting a bearded competitor almost put a ten foot tooth-saw  into his knee. It only glanced off and he hobbled off.

Will Ferrell is one of the greatest comic actors of all time.

My congestion right now is getting unbearable. Tiger will have seriously clean sinuses after his impending binge/sex relapse.

5:04 PM  Lefty shares the lead with three others after thirteen. He is clearly feeling it, whipper-snapper uppity kids be damned.

T minus two hours to story time. More rum and golf and boredom!

Phil is really putting the pedal to the floorboard now. Knowing he’ll contend with youngin’s and Couples tomorrow instead of a revitalized “Old” Tiger 1.0 gives him confidence. A few nice scotch and sodas after his round tonight and he’ll be ready for war tomorrow. The old vet learns the course quickly while the young guns just fire down the fairway with drivers and fly around the greens with shots fueled by pure quick adrenaline.
6 o'clock and I think we’ll switch off the brutal final minutes of the golf until tomorrow’s final round. The biggest golf day of the year, the jacket. 

For now, Phil gets a standing ovation on his walk up the 18th fairway, if he can repeat this scene tomorrow, it will taste all the sweeter.

Jose Santiago
Editor, The Sports Desk

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