Man Issues: Manscaping

Okay this is the first in a series of "Man Issues" I'll be discussing. Manscaping, pro's, con's, what a real man does.

For those who don't know, according to the all knowing urban dictionary manscaping is:

"to groom a man. Shaving, waxing, cleaning up the superfluous fur."

Okay, now we have defined it, now let's do some pro's and con's. First off I'm only going to address the "waxing" part of the definition by saying if you are brave enough to have someone put hot glue on or near your balls, place a strip over it, and then rip the hair from your family jewels, fucking a I'll be the first to buy you a beer, I'm tearing up just thinking about that pain.

That being said this section addresses some pro's and con's of aforementioned hair removal, the shaving form.

Pro's

1. The ladies like it, I mean come on, even if you're woman isn't a stickler, she sure as shit won't be pumped to dig through the amazon rain forest to find your cock.
2. The ladies, but for another different reason. A relationship reason. Some cruel women find that they can blackmail men into manscaping by saying "if you don't clean up, neither will I." That is enough to make any man whip out the ole trimmer double time.
3. The myth is true, it makes your johnson look bigger. Say what you want, try it and tell me I'm wrong.
4. It will lead to more oral sex. Yep I said it, this point could be rolled into one of the ladies' reasons but head is a reason to itself. Try asking your girl for a blowski with a fucking chia pet surrounding your junk. Good luck.

Con's

1. It sucks. The actual process of manscaping is obnoxious and time consuming, and for the amateurs possibly dangerous.
2. Once you start...you really can't stop, because as we all know shave em up once, and in a week you got a fucking Vietnam canopy again. It's a slippery slope.
3. Itchy Ball Syndrome. Studies have shown manscaping is a leader factor in men who suffer from itchy balls.
4. Going too far makes you gay. It's a proven fact, a little clean up is nice, but take it too far and your junk looks awkward, and people think you're either a flaming homosexual or some sort of well dressed, primped metro hybrid demon. Neither is the desired effect.

Now lets see who's doing what as far as celebrity's and manscaping.

Derek Jeter- In case you haven't noticed his girlfriend, Minka Kelly, is a perfect 10 hands down.

Helllllo Minka

If that girl wanted me to pluck my pubes out one by one with tweezers I would comply. Jeter seems to me like he's keeping her happy in return for her putting her ankles behind her head. Good for you. Definite manscaper.

Tom Brady- Now I used to think Tom was the same way as Jeter, but the feeling is different now. First, he's married, so all the girlfriend threats of no sex and such don't apply. He's got the Justin Beiber flow going on as well, which apparently Gisele likes. Hands down no manscaping for Tommy anymore, AND hot wife in the bag. Supermodel wife be damned, he's definately not scaping.

Tiger Woods- Now here is an interesting case. Used to feel like a non manscaper, nice family, reserved wife, the works. But now, I mean fucking porn stars is a sure sign of a manscaper. I bet Tiger sports the porn star arrow pointing down to his junk, with a little script over the top saying "Lil Tiger." Yep, the pimp of manscapers I'll wager.

And the final authority on this great question: To manscape or not to manscape? Is the authority on everything that is man (no not Chuck Norris) The Most Interesting Man in the World.





There you have it, I mean he is the man to end all men and he doesn't even know what the fuck manscaping is.

In Conclusion: there are acceptable reasons for manscaping. Being blackmailed into it by the woman who gives you sex is the main one. Other reasons may seem legit, but I think the bottom line is every stroke of the razor to a man's balls decreases his manliness in some way. I say down with manscaping, for the good of the ball, and hoorah to woman scaping, double standard and all.