Man Issues: Ordering a Martini Like a Pro

Alright in this edition of Man Issues I'm not going to rip on your for being a worthless piece of shit. Instead I will help you at least be perceived by bartenders and bitches alike by being able to order a martini like a boss, granted you can find the ten bucks in change it will cost.

Step One: Gin or Vodka

Alright since we aren't fucking pussies we won't be ordering anything than a straight forward martini. No fucking man would be caught dead with an espresso martini or some fucking shit that chicks order. Real men choose gin but if like me (and 90% of the world) you would rather be choked out by an elephant's cock than drink a glass of pine needle-infused booze, then you get a vodka martini. If you are a true man, pick a good gin for the love of fucking god. I choose Kettle One vodker, good stuff.

Step Two: Dry or Wet

A "dry" martini means you want very little vermouth in your martini. Vermouth is like weird shitty wine or something who the fuck cares. I go bone dry so the drink is basically a glass of vodka and olive juice. Fuck vermouth.


Step Three: Glass

If you want your cocktail in the signature martini glass you ask for it "up". You can get it on the rocks as well. You can ask for a "Gentleman's glass" but half the fucking appeal is the martini glass so why pretend like it isn't manly? It is. A martini glass is pussy with a pink cosmo in it, with a vodka martini it is manly and baller.

Step Four: Dirt

If you like olive juice and want it to help cut the alcohol ask for your drink "dirty". The bartender will add olive juice to the cocktail. I like it instead of the vermouth personally.

So, for instance when the bartender asks you what you want to drink, you ask for, "a dirty Kettle One martini up and dry with three olives" instead of "A vodka martini in a tall glass with no vermouth" or something stupid. Ordering a drink shows everyone around you aren't a jackoff. And a few of these and you'll be pretty drunk too. That's a win-win right there.

You aren't him so don't bother trying

Oh and for fuck's sake unless you are a fucking pretentious douche don't pull a James Bond and say "shaken, not stirred". Unless they ask, the drink will be shaken. Old people like them stirred because they think that the shaking makes ice chips get in the drink or something who gives a fuck. Don't do it.

Step Five: Enjoy

Ordering a martini is about acting like you aren't a poor loser so fucking enjoy that shit and maybe the chick you're trying to impress will give you a blowjob later, or not. A drink can't make miracles happen after all.