A Loss is a Loss

So everyone is freaking out about this video of Alex Roth, a high school player from West Salem High School in Oregon, shattering the backboard with a last-second dunk.



So you say, "that's awesome blah blah blah," but the thing is, West Salem lost this game. They lost the game 56-54 to North Salem. So all those people who flip out in the stands because of the sick dunk, grow the fuck up. You still lost the fucking game. I mean it isn't even too crazy. From Huff Post.

If I was on the North Salem team I would have been yelling at the crowd and shit, punching people in the dome and yelling "Scoreboard." Fucking picking up the broken hoop and smacking bitches in the face with it. Sometimes you just have to remnd people to stay humble, I mean they did lose the game. Sorry Alex, you are still a boss for a grown-man dunk, but you're still a loser.

Jennifer Aniston: Insecure?

All-time hotty Jennifer Aniston was recently on the Rachel Ray Show talking about whatever bullshit movie she's slinging these days. She also talked about aging (she is 42). She claimed during the interview: "It wasn't like 30-plus or 30 something. It's just that all of sudden, it's like, 'Wow for your age, not so bad.' It's like what?" From Us Magazine.

Man, this makes me genuinely sad. Like Rachel is now all old and insecure, how depressing. I mean Jennifer Aniston is like a perennial hotty. She will never be ugly in my mind. I mean, have you seen this chick recently? She could be the hottest 42-year-old on the planet Earth. Seriously.

From GQ in 2009

Look, I realize this picture is airbrushed and touched-up and shit. But this is Aniston at 39. She is a fucking brick house. This next one is at the 2010 Golden Globes, Jen was 41.

I can see why she's insecure

Look at that shit, just kicking the shit out of that dress. At 41. Jen, I don't think you have much to worry about as far as aging. You will be sexy always.

But this does prove a point. All women are insecure, without reason usually. Like give me a fucking break, Jennifer Aniston is annoyed at being a number now that she's over 40? Yeah, she's a number that will still rip your cock off in the sack and bitch when you need ice instead of going at it again. Just a feisty, sexy woman. What the fuck does she have to be all boo hoo about? Fucking a.

Bill Ray Cyrus: Scared for Miley

So in a recent interview with GQ, Miley Cyrus' father, Billy Ray, said he is scared for his daughter. Recently Miley Cyrus has gone from squeaky clean Disney pop star to your traditional Hollywood spoiled-bitch out of control. She's smoking salvia, pole-dancing, and in general embracing her inner trainwreck. And Billy is scared.

"I know she's 18, but I still feel like as her daddy I'd like to try to help. Take care of her just a little bit, to at least get her out of danger. I want to get her sheltered from the storm. Stop the insanity just for a minute. When you go through what she's been through, it takes a beating on you," from Huffington Post.

Billy's Glory Days

Alright Billy Ray, time to just count your money and get the fuck out of the spotlight. You became relevant for an extra 17 years by creating a child who little girls love. Now she is older, legal, and ready to trip on salvia and get fucked. This is the price you pay for having a famous daughter, they ALWAYS start fucking up quick. I mean is there any teenage pop star who isn't a fucking mess? Maybe you should have encouraged her to be a doctor, douchebag. And interviews with GQ bitching about her your little girl is some drug fiend now? Boo fucking who.

Don't you watch the news Billy Ray? Lindsay Lohan went from Parent Trap to coke and shoplifting in like ten years. Guess what's coming for Miley? The same fucking thing. First, she becomes unpopular, then she takes up blow and starts fucking Charlie Sheen or something. You know it's coming. So Billy Ray, do what all the other Hollywood whores fathers do, fuck her hot cokehead friends and shut the fuck up.

Here's the Disney Lohan:

So cute and innocent right? Now we have this trainwreck.

Wake the fuck up Billy Ray, Miley isn't 14 anymore. Your daughter is going to go Lohan by the end of 2011. Mark my words. It's the price you pay for needing a meal ticket. You want lots of money, you raise a pop star daughter? The price is her nose. That's how it works.

From this:

Innocent Miley

To this:

Barely bong-clearing but soon coke-blowing Miley

So save your fucking coin Billy Ray, because once cute little Miley has a legit coke habit, you are fucked. She won't let you see another dime, and she'll be snorting Disney movie advance check money like Britney Spears in her prime. You should be scared, Billy Ray, you should be.

Best Faceplant Recovery of All Time

This might be the only time in my life I salute a cheerleader. This chick eats fucking floor during her squads little routine and bounces back up like fucking Rocky. Seriously, I would be staying down for at least a minute or two. That shit has to hurt.




Right when she splats, she holds her neck, and instantly I'm thinking she just crushed her spine and is about to go into convulsions or have a seizure or some shit. Nope, no pussies on this squad, she just got the fuck up and finished out the routine. Even held up that little squirrel chick for the ending. That is pure dedication. I salute you, high school cheerleader failure, if only you could flip as well as you give blowjobs to the football team.

Man Issues: Valentine's Day

Ba fucking humbug is what I say to Valentine's Day. I mean don't get me wrong, it's a legit holiday for the 1% of people who actually are in a meaningful relationship. I mean my girlfriend is awesome enough to realize I'm broke as shit, so a trip to Denny's and some chocolates might be it this year. But for the rest of the world it's just Hallmark tricking dudes into buying candy for women they don't care about. And taking them to dinner. And that makes Valentine's Day shitty, because although some girls might understand you are just humoring them so they don't cry all day, some will become stage-5 clingers in the process. Not good.

You know why guys? This is a guilt holiday. All girls think about is "everyone has a Valentine but me." So then single guys get fucked, some girl you've been banging is like "what are we doing for V-Day?" And you are either a complete asshole and say "I'm kicking back and having a beer, what about you?" Or, like most suckers, you cave. You take her out to dinner or get her something. She might parade you around like she actually cares about you. She doesn't, she just wants to show her friends that she isn't the ugly, unlovable one.

Remember gentleman, for 99% of girls Valentine's Day is some sort of pride competition left over from 2nd grade. Men, and our wallets, are just caught in the crossfire.


But fear not, I do have some strategies for saving money for the people who actually matter, yourselves, on Valentine's Day.


Phase One: Make up a plan with a made-up person.
This is a no-brainer phase. When the hoes come a-calling, just say you have plans with some unknown female. Hell you could go balls out and be that guy who makes up a girlfriend somewhere just to make the deception concrete.


Phase Two: Play the Scrooge Card.
If you can, use some sort of excuse about how you always boycott Valentine's Day because it commercializes love. If this backfires and the hoe thinks you are deep and insightful, remind her that made-up girlfriend is around, watching. She'll probably just think you're an asshole, which you are, so it's fine.


Or, if you want to work in a complex scheme for a sympathy lay, I recommend saying that Valentine's Day brings back harsh memories of a bitch who broke your heart in the past. It forces the girl to respect that you don't want to take her to fucking Friendly's, AND also works in the sensitive angle to get you one step closer to hitting that. She might also think you're a whiny douche, but fuck her, she's a bitch anyway.


Phase Three: Attitude.
Never call clingy Valentine's hoe your valentine. It will just make her cling even harder, no one wants that. Another trick, pre-arrange to fuck said needy hoe after dinner, she will bend to such demands because the alternative is her sitting in bed crying and eating a tub of Ben and Jerry's. Getting a free meal is awesome, and taking your chode for thirty seconds after is a small price to pay. 

Tastes like rejection!

But don't let her negotiate the arrangement. Because the needy-yet-prude girl will jump on you with words like "snuggle" and "spoon" when what you're looking for after a steak dinner is more like "fuck" and "hire a midget to walk on me while I suck on your foot." Let her know that all this random, commercially-driven spending isn't going to come free.

If all else fails and you can't remember any of this bullshit, just keep in mind that if you aren't in love, Valentine's Day is built to fuck you. The ladies are all primed for clinging and being needy, and your wallet is ripe for throwing out sympathy bucks. Don't fall for it gentlemen, unless you know you are getting some. Navigating Valentine's Day is tricky, and is best done with careful practice. Keep your head down, and your wallet closed.