Anyone can leave comments on stories you read, let me know what you like and what you don't, this is a blog for the people. Use your power!

email me @ beatblathering@gmail.com

Monday, February 28, 2011

Knicks vs Heat Kneejerk Reaction

So last night the newly revamped New York Knicks played the Miami Heat in Miami. This game was a must-watch, especially for anyone who pays attention to the NBA and the Eastern Conference. The Knicks had fallen to just a few games ahead of Philly, and the Heat are playing better every day. And so the two teams who made the biggest moves this year met.

As expected the Heat game out gunning. The Heat put up 34 in the first quarter to the Knicks 23, and the announcers were sucking Lebron and companies' dicks. Team defense this and that blah blah blah. In the second quarter the Knicks came out firing, Chauncey Billups showed that he isn't just a secondary line on a trade, he drops threes with ease. The Knicks went on a 17-0 run to end the first half. They held the Heat to 17 for the entire second quarter. So much for licking Lebron's balls. The Knicks never looked back, winning in a final of 91-86. Full box score here.

Now the real question in this game isn't about Miami. We know they'll hold their own in the playoffs. My question is, will the Knicks be able to? They shot themselves back into this game from beyond the 3 point line. With Billups, Fields, and Eddy House, they are beasts from three for sure. But in a 7-game series how far can you go trying to shoot your way back into games? I guess we will find out soon enough.

Weekly Charlie Watch

So now Charlie Sheen is telling everyone who will listen that he plans to sue CBS, Warner Bros. and Chuck Lorre, for breach of contract. This is where the whole Charlie Sheen downward spiral is going to hit bottom. You don't sue Warner Brothers for breach of contract when they have to cancel a prize show because you like crack and fucking porn stars. I hope his fancy lawyer told him to quit while he was behind.

And on the Today Show...

I mean this guy is just milking it now. But just for fucking shits I hope he wins. I hope a crack-addicted Charlie Sheen wins suit and then continues doing the show while fucking porn stars and smoking rock. I'm just rooting for this guy no matter what. Fuck the police, and CBS.

Book Review: Assholes Finish First

I know I'm late on this one. I've been reading to get to Tucker Max's newest book Assholes Finish First. Finally got it. And I can't put it down. It picks up just where I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell left off. Tucker is older, and definitely not wiser.

I think this book might be more hilarious. He admits in the book that all the fanboys who love him and want to be him are just morons. Tucker Max is not someone you want to be, he is just a guy who goes out and tries to get drunk and laid. Granted he has far better experiences than any other man in the world. But still, he's just an alcoholic trying to get some.

There are classic moments, like when a 14-year-old hits Tucker up with a fake ID to try and fuck him. Hilarity ensues. Honestly I'll be the first to say I'm not an asshole and don't want to be like Tucker Max, but I love his writing. I can't put this fucking book down. The whole way through I'm playing Kanye's "Toast to the Douchebags" in my head.

The best part, at the end Tucker admits he has plenty of more material for another book or two. Awesome. Pick this book up, or better yet, get in from a library. You'll burn through the whole thing within a week so why but it?

Friday, February 25, 2011

Amish Parenting

Okay so according to CNN, this morning rescuers found the bodies of four Amish children who were riding in western Kentucky in their carriage, in the middle of  a flood? They were with their mother and two other siblings last night when their carriage flipped and the kids were swept away into a nearby creek.

Ride like the wind Bullseye!
Alright, this is just one of many reasons being Amish sucks. First of all, seven people in a carriage in a flood, doesn't sound like good odds. Second, aren;t carriages pulled by horses? Isn't there animal cruelty going on here? I mean I'm sure they won't charge a mother who just had four of her kids get fucked up, but damn bringing out the family carriage for a cruise during a flood is stupid. Not only is your horse pissed at you and dying the entire time, you are basically in a shitty boat. Sounds safe right? Look what happens now genius, two thirds of your kids/labor force are gone. That sucks.

Shitty parenting 101, bring out the family for a spin in the carriage during a flood.

Have a good weekend peeps, see you on Monday.

Big Ups To Steve Irwin

This is what happens when amateurs try to imitate the Great One, Steve Irwin. RIP.

Alligator Bites Trainers Head

Don't send a boy to do a man's job.

Jersey Shore's Angelina: Wrestler?

Earlier this week Jersey Shore loser and dropout Angelina signed a contract earlier this week with TNA Wrestling. Apparently she's going to be in a tag-team match. Wait, it gets fucking better. Her wrestling name is the "Staten Island Dump." I shit you not, TMZ says so, that makes it true.

Then before starting her first day of work yesterday, she told TMZ she was boozing and taking energy pills because she was afraid she'd get her ass whooped. Seems like a pattern huh? Angelina signs up for a show, and then realizes life isn't being a spoiled cunt on Staten Island, so she backs out. Typical. I bet we never see her in the ring.

Yeah, keep trying to be sexy

Angelina was my least favorite member of the Jersey Shore. I mean I couldn't believe she came back, and I was so relieved when she left. Fucking a, but I was kind of excited to see highlights of her getting stomped out by some butch biker chick from Wyoming. Now she's so pressed for cash she's wrestling, not even WWE, TNA. TNA is like the only wrestling company that isn't pay-per-view. They are on cable still. Yeah I'm sure she got a fat check. Fucking four hundred bucks and a kick in the teeth.

Charlie Sheen Rips His Bosses

Charlie called onto the radio yesterday and ripped his bosses and was being generally fucking hilarious. Here is the audio from TMZ.

I swear to fucking god, I loved Charlie Sheen before all this bullshit started, but now it's like he's a one man circus. He goes on the radio and rips his bosses, who make him the highest paid TV actor, and so they cancel the rest of the season of their top-rated show. Charlie don't give a flying fuck. He just wants to hole up with porn-stars and smoke crack. Leave a motherfucker alone.

I swear to christ, this guys gives me material non-stop. Wake up in the morning, what's on the smut-line? Charlie Sheen either fucking some bitch or ripping his bosses apart. Like a fucking boss. Take notes Tucker Max, Charlie Sheen invented your game, and he is the best at it. Ever.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Megan Fox Armani Ad

So apparently Megan Fox is part of the new Armani Jeans line and Emporio Armani Underwear. Enjoy this teaser.

You Just Got Beat on Bro

Wow, I was watching Sports Center and I saw this story that I didn't even believe. Apparently it is legit, it was on Good Morning America or some bullshit. I can't believe I just made Good Morning America a reason for something being legit. Well it was on Sports Center too. Anyway, Holy Family University's basketball coach can be seen in this video attacking his sophomore forward, Matt Kravchuk.

That's fucking wild shit. I mean, the kick looks like it had about as much power as my grandma when she tries to pass a soccer ball, but knocking him down before that was pretty vicious. The coach, John O'Connor, was suspended as of last Thursday for undisclosed reasons, when the video surfaced. The practice in the video took place on Jan 25. Full story here.

Here's the Good Morning America clip:

Now this is old school Coach Carter type shit. If I don't like how you're doing the drill, I'm elbowing you in the face and taking the ball. Deal with it pussy. The problem is, there is someone taping the practice. It's the oldest story in the book. No one gives a fuck what you do, unless there is proof. Only morons jump someone with cameras going, especially one of your own players.

Then this cocky asshole gets on Good Morning America and is like, "it was an accident." Are you fucking kidding me dude? You stomped a player in the middle of a drill? Seems intentional. At least the player is like "fuck no I don't want your bullshit apology, you beat my ass and made me look like a bitch."

I don't know how I feel about this whole thing. I mean it's stupid as shit to do this with a camera rolling, but hey man it could be a game situation. You could be working your defender down and the double comes and the dude elbows your in the nose and takes the ball. You have to be ready for anything pussy.

Breaking News: Celtics Trade Perkins, Robinson

So apparently right before the fucking trade deadline at 3pm, the Celtics reached a deal with the Thunder which included sending Nate Robinson and Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City. According to ESPN, the Celtics get Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic.

The fuck?
This better be a slanderous rumor. Are you fucking kidding me Celtics? Trading away Perk? For a swingman and random big goon? The fuck? Green averages 15 points and 5 rebounds a game. Krstic averages 7 points and 4 rebounds per game. What the fucking fuck is going on? Is Danny Ange on blow? What the fuck. What the fucking fuck. Trade our only young big man for a big-ass Eurotrash goon and a little swing man who is alright. Jesus what has the world come to?

NFL Prospects Get Pranked

NFL Rookies Get Pranked

This is what I'm talking about. Run through the sand pit cocksuckers, and oh by the way, there's a fucking ape roaming around here. Instead of taking 40 times they should time how fucking quick these dudes run when the fucking gorilla comes hopping out of the trees. Like that one dude actually doesn't run, but the rest are hauling fucking ass to get away from the gorilla. Classic. To me it never gets old watching big bad NFL type huge guys get scared for their lives, even if it only lasts like five seconds. Whatever, for a second there, someone shit their pants.

Toyotas Are Fucking Scary

So yet again, Toyota is recalling another 2.2 million vehicles after a government investigation into whether they recalled enough vehicles in 2009 according to Detroit News.

In case you aren't aware, many Toyota and Lexus models have had issues with the accelerator pedal becoming stuck in the floormats. You know what that means? You push the pedal down, and it doesn't come up. Scary as fucking shit. Then your brand new shiny Lexus hits 125 and puts you through a telephone pole. Jesus christ for once I'm glad I drive a Ford.

The Camry hybrid, save the environment while you hit a wall at 120 mph

This recall puts Toyota's grand total at 15 million recalled cars since January of 2009. And they've been fined $49 million for not doing this recall sooner. Their stock is only down $.19 so far today though as of 11:19.

Look, Toyota is a staple of the car industry. Fucking a, the Camry is like the longest running, most consistent car ever. But get your shit together guys. Having the accelerator pedal get stuck is a fucking big problem. Just recall all your shit, fix the problem, and move on. Why drag it out for years and take all these fines? Just fucking do it once and get it over with.

Can Someone Cap Kanye Please?

Dude. I know Kanye West's album was like the best selling album of 2010. But can we all agree just to stop buying his shit so he goes away? I used to like Kanye in the College Dropout days, but now he's just a douche egomaniac. This is a recent tweet from Kanye on abortion from Huffington Post.

Good advice Kanye. I'm sure everyone can relate to having bitches get pregnant by them on purpose just to get 50k. Yeah, I'm watching out Kanye. Shut the fuck up dude. Only you rich-ass people have this problem. Don't tweet it like this is some revelation. Dude since the beginning of time bitches have been fucking rich dudes to get the money. You wrote a song about it remember? Fucking a Kanye, I wish I could just punch you in the throat. Or break your tweet finger at least.

Kanye zaps gold-digging bitches

And does strap up mean wear a condom? I must be rusty on my rap lingo because I'm pretty sure rappers who are actually hood use that to mean "bring your gun." Kanye you're silly, you don't even know rap talk. Pussy. Only tough guys go after Talyor Swift. Kanye is a megadouche.

Welcome to New York Melo

So last night Melo played his first game with the Knicks. And yes he looked good. He put up 27 points and 10 rebounds. Not too shabby. But be easy Knicks fans, they were playing the Bucks, who are 8-22 on the road. We will see what's really good when the Knicks play their upcoming game against the Heat. That game is Sunday at 8 on ESPN.

As predicted, no defense. The Knicks are going to need some kind of defense once the playoffs come. But they are 2nd in the league in scoring, so maybe outgunning their opponents will work. Who knows.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Where in the World is Charlie Sheen?

Well, in the newest edition of "Where the fuck is Charlie Sheen banging porn-stars now?", we find our awesome Man-O-Steel hero on a rented yacht off the coast of Marina Del Mar in California.

What was Charlie doing? Continuing his three-way relationship with some mystery girl, and allegedly the third wheel is super hot porn-star Bree Olsen. According to TMZ, Charlie rented the yacht last night and brought his ladies and a few friends and watched "Jaws." And of course fucked the shit out of both his bitches until only crack could keep him going.

The third part of his three way relationship was a mystery until last night Olsen tweeted that she "watched Jaws for the first time," and it was "amazing." Yeah because in the middle Charlie Sheen gave you a rusty hook and then donkey punched you. Seriously only Charlie Sheen can fuck a porn-star so well she calls Jaws "amazing." She probably didn't actually see two seconds of the movie. Mark my words.

Only Sheen can half-wifey a porn-star
This is what I don't get. The producers of Two and a Half Men stopped filming when Sheen went to the hospital. But wouldn't it have been smart to start filming again so he has to be somewhere instead of just renting yachts and fucking bitches and smoking crack? Seems like it makes sense to me. Now they're just throwing the shark into the water with the guppies, and no curfew.

This is Journalism

So UC San Diego has a student publication the "Koala." And apparently the Koala is famous for being assholes and including ridiculous stories in their paper all the time. Their latest issue has every all flipping out and shit.

From Huffington Post:
Although UC San Diego student publication the Koala is known for pushing the envelope with questionable content, some think the paper crossed the line when it attacked UCSD student leader Carli Thomas with an article (NSFW PDF) titled "Carli Thomas is a Fat Whore" -- and accompanied by an image of Thomas shoddily doctored to include male genitalia over her face.

And in the actual article, written by the Koala's editor-in-queef Kris Gregorian, it refers to Thomas as a "square chinned, thick-necked uppity skank," and other shit. Apparently she is cutting the newspapers funding so they just went after her.

Cute, cuddly, and calling out whores

Look, this is pure factual Journalism. Bitch wants to cut your funding, let her know how powerful the media is. Just fucking drag her ass through the mud and see what happens. This Gregorian guy is clearly a pimp. Some news station asked for an interview, he said only if you provide me with a case of beer, and of course they said no. What a boss. Of course the fucking bitch is also suing the paper for defamation. But she cut all their funding, so who's money is she going to get? Nobodies. You just got owned you fucking whore.

NBA Moves

So Deron Williams, sick nasty point guard for the Utah Jazz, is going to New Jersey, according to ESPN. The league office is expected to approve the trade this afternoon.

In return for Williams, the Jazz will get Derrick Favors and Devin Harris. Apparently Golden State is in on the trade as well, and Utah will apparently be getting some draft picks from the Warriors.

Hello Brooklyn

This trade makes sense for the Nets. You couldn't get Melo, so now you need one superstar to attract others, it's the Miami affect. D Wills is a beast, and it's not like Utah got robbed blind.

Harris averages 15 a game, and Favors is a good young talent. With AK, Al Jefferson, and Millsap we can finally see what these two can do outside of the shitty Nets. As for D Wills, come on, dude is going to get paid big bucks, play in Brooklyn, and probably have a team built around him. That sounds terrible.

Humpday Hotty Cokewhore Edition: Lindsay Lohan

Alright, I don't give a fuck about her stealing jewelry or some bullshit. Charlie sheen came out defending her, and I will too. Men, are we so quick to forget the peak of physical nubile perfection that was Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls? I still watch that shit when it's on just to see her slutty self being all high school bitchy slut. I mean now she does way more blow, but who the fuck cares. She's rich, she can buy her own. And she's probably sucked dick for it at some point, so you know she gives head like a fucking ginger Dyson. And she is sexy. Put the bullshit aside and just enjoy the sexy, cokewhore, slutty hotness that is Lindsay Lohan.

Me and Charlie Sheen have your back Lindsay. Stay strong, and stay hotty status.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Fuck STD Tests

So last week my college sponsored a free (that means $20) clinic to get an STD test. I have a moment of feeling actually responsible for my life and decide "what the fuck, let me just get the word that I'm clean." I mean I knew I didn't have shit. My dick hasn't fallen off, it isn't shooting lemon lime sherbet or anything like that. And I'm not a manwhore, I'm a one-woman man. But I figure whatever fuck it it'll be quick. Big fucking mistake. Here is the saga of my first STD test:

I saw the sign for the STD Clinic, and I'm yapping with some of my boys about it. I hear that the method for doing these fucking things is they shove a Q-Tip in the end of your cock and test your dick that way. Now any sane dude would think well if that's the procedure maybe I shouldn't go until I actually think I need to be tested. Me, well for some reason I still said fuck it. I was ready to take a Q-Tip in my cock for no reason at all. In hindsight that was a red flag that this wouldn't end well.

So I go to the clinic and meet the nurse. She asks me all the questions they normally do about smoking, drinking, and sex. Being the moron that I am I tell her I drink heavily at times (what old people call binging I call drinking). So I get the whole run-down about booze and weed blah blah blah. She goes through the lie that the weed we smoke is like some alien weed and the weed in the 60's was better for you or some bullshit. Anyway, at this point I just want her to shove the thing in my dick and we can all go home. Wrong. First, the chlamydia test is just a piss test, that's easy enough.

Then she's like, "do you want the HIV test as well, it's free." And again, being the fucking idiot I am I say "yeah sure why not." Fucking moron.

So I don't know if this bitch just wanted to torment me or she had to say something about this but whatever. She is all making small talk and shit and then she gets all serious and goes "If this test came up positive, would you hurt yourself?" I sat there and stared at her for probably a solid minute just wondering why the fuck she would put that in my head. "No," I said.

Even though what I meant by "No" was if I have HIV I would start by killing every woman I'd ever put my dick in. Then I would probably kill her for fucking everything up. Then I would off myself after. But I assumed you couldn't say that or else she'd have the HIV police come in and rape me and give me AIDS or something.

Then she asks "Would you be upset?"
My reply: "Yeah."

What I meant by "Yeah" was are you fucking kidding me you stupid midget cunt bitch of course I would be upset, I'd be upset enough to kill people. And why are you asking me all these fucking questions? Does it look like the Congo in here? It's fucking Massachusetts not Rwanda.

Nurse: "Would you want support?"
Me: "Yeah."

Yeah I'd need a really sketchy guy to sell me all the things I'm about to torture you with before I eat your heart Temple of Doom style in front of your fucking face you fear-mongering slutbag.

This conversation lasted only like two minutes, but it felt like the lostest in my entire fucking life.

Nurse: "But you wouldn't hurt yourself?"
Me: "No."

I'm going to slit your throat from ear to ear and fucking dump all your blood samples into the hole, sew it back up and give you HIV you fucking bitch if you don't just take my fucking blood and let me leave.

So then she takes like four seconds to take my blood. Before I thought I was just going to make sure I'm clean. Now I'm fairly positive I have HIV because this little Munchkin reject wants to scare fucking kids. Cunt.

Then the finale to end all finales.

Nurse "On guys your age I like to do testicular exams just in case."

AKA I want to touch your young balls because I haven't gotten fucked in like 40 years.

And I must have been drunk that day because I say. "Okay."
So she starts feeling on my sack. She feels this little bump I've had for ever and don't give a fuck about and says "Oh what's this?"

Me trying to get the fuck out before fucking 2012: "Oh that's been there awhile, it's fine."
Nurse: "You've had it checked out before?"
Me: "No."

Ding Ding Ding! We have a motherfucking retard here folks. Wrong answer douche! The correct answer was "Yes, it has been thoroughly examined, now are you going to suck it or should I leave?"

So now she's all trying to get me to see my doctor because not only do I have HIV and chlamydia, now add ball cancer to the mix.

Okay so now this little bitch finally lets me go and I go to my doctor to make sure I don't have nut cancer. He says it's probably nothing (after giving me a good rub down) but we should be sure. So he says I need a fucking ultrasound.

Now I thought an ultrasound was for babies. Like, for seeing if the baby has a cock or not. That's it. Apparently they ultrasound your nuts looking for cancer too. So I'm waiting in the fucking ultrasound place like thirty minutes and right when I'm about to blow my head off this chick gets me and tells me about the test.

Now if you've never had a nut ultrasound, let me tell you. It's weird. First you take your pants and shit off and lay down on a cot with a blanket over your junk. Then I looked to my right where the huge machine was that would photograph my balls and on the side side it has one of those warning things. Fine, but the fucking warning refers to something called "a probe." I'm not liking this one fucking bit. It's like the Q-Tip all over again.

So then the chick comes in and pulls the blanket down so she can spy me hairy nut satchel. Then she goes: "Okay I'm just going to put some warm gel on it."

I'm thinking okie dokie, I like where this is going, a little lube and maybe an accidental handy is in order. Instead she gets a tube of this jelly shit and sprays the motherfucker onto my balls. And when I say sprays I mean it. Shit gets all over me, running down into my ass crack, caked under my butt cheeks. It is fucking disgusting. I feel like I nutted a half gallon and I'm being forced to sit in it. Jesus christ. So then she gets out "the probe" and to my relief it's a little scanner thing like at the grocery store, but for my balls. So she messes with it, moving it all over and it's over in like twenty minutes and I'm left to clean my entire lower half because I'm covered in sticky crusty warm ultrasound jizz. I felt like a rape victim must feel.

Here is the point. Guys, if you don't have to get an STD test, then don't. It never can go anywhere good at all. Fucking one little lapse in judgment and I had three different people touching my sack, had it covered in gel and probed, all to find out the stupid bump I had was normal and everyone gets them. I fucking hate doctors.

I Spoke Too Soon

Just as I was making fun of fucking loser Somali pirates last week, it broke today that four American hostages taken by pirates off the Somali coast were killed. The yacht "Quest" and it's passengers were close to the Somali coast when they were hijacked. The Navy began to follow the yacht on Saturday, and Navy forces took action because the Quest was moving toward the coast. Apparently you don't need to be a genius to figure out that if the pirates get the people to land, they're basically fucked. The US military ain't fucking with any Blackhawk Down shit again.

Apparently the military was in contact with the pirates financier, AKA Eric Cartman, and negotiations went badly due to something about "respecting his authority." So then at 1am Eastern time last night, the pirates shot a fucking RPG at the Navy ship following them, because that's what pirates do. So then the Navy sends in the Seals and fucks up the hijackers, killing two and capturing 13. But the hostages were also killed. Go figure. Full story at the NY Times.

We release douchebags when Beat Blathering admit we're not pussies!

Okay, so obviously Somali pirates read the Blathering and they wanted to show me up. Touche pirates, touche. I mean this whole thing does seem kind of stupid though. First of all, when the fuck are people going to learn not to sail their yachts close to possibly the most unstable, broken country in the world? Arrogant pricks deserved what they got. And to the pirates, there were 19 of you when you hijacked the fucking boat. How the fuck can you have 19 dudes on a ship, with hostages, and 15 dudes pull up alongside, kill two of you and capture the rest, just like that? Have some fucking pirate pride. If you're on a boat and dudes, even if they are Navy Seals, are coming at you, feel free to do something.

So I guess I have to eat my own words and admit that pirates are back. And they are fucking ready to blow away some hostages too. This isn't some storybook Jack Sparrow bullshit, they are blowing people away and shooting RPG's at Navy ships. They mean business.

Soldiers are Insane Motherfuckers

I love our boys in uniform (no homo). I mean I think it takes a lot of balls to do probably the worst job ever. The emotional trauma of having to kill people and be shot at, the boredom of being in a war with no action (see Jarhead ). I mean, it is truly crazy shit that they have to go through. And it makes them crazy. Look at this video.

Testing A 40mm Riot Grenade Launcher

Okay, apparently twenty bucks is all it takes for this guy to get gut-blasted with a riot grenade? For me it'd be closer to 500 samolians. Like how fucking bored can you be where this becomes something you actually consider doing? I mean maybe I'd like get pepper-sprayed or tear-gassed or something. But have you ever played COD? If you hit a motherfucker with the grenade launcher it blows them into next fucking month. Even if this isn't a real grenade, this shit is insane. That dubsack he bought with the twenty bucks must have been the best toke of his life. I hope so. Crazy fucks. I'm glad they're on our fucking team, you think Al Qaeda does shit like this? Doubt it.

Stupidity: Should Be Punishable by Death

Jesus Christ, I'm getting back to the swing of looking for idiots to make fun of for your amusement and one just fell into my lap. And actually made me angry. The Smoking Gun reports that Caira Ferguson, 21, is under arrest after being charged with child endangerment, unlawful restraint, and false imprisonment.

What did Caira do you ask? Well, she duct-taped her 18 month old daughter to a chair, duct-taped her mouth, and then posed with her for a picture, which ended up on the internet. I know, I know, but wait, there's more. The police raided her home, and guess what, the duct-tape and chair were still there. “The chair was found to still had remnants of duct tape affixed to the arms and legs,” police noted. Jesus lady, talk about not hiding evidence. For fucks sake. But wait, this is a triple crown of stupidity people, no just a duo. Full story at TSG.

Caira actually went to the police herself to say someone leaked the picture, which she then gave to police. She claimed someone stole her identity of some bullshit and leaked the photo. Well, being the police and not falling for moronic bullshit, she got charged instead.

Congratulations Caira, you are so fucking dumb that I think you are one of the people who should be put to death for stupidity. I would pull the trigger myself. First, for some fucking deranged reason, instead of "time-out" you institute some sort of duct-tape punishment. Jesus Christ it brings back traumatic memories of me and my fellow students getting seat-belted to chairs in the Queensbury Elementary cafeteria. Oh I shit you not, it happened.

Anyway, so your method of punishment for a toddler is duct-taping them and throwing the pics on their facebook you made them so their friends know they've been bad. I can see that. But then going to the police yourself? Gimme a fucking break. "Oh someone stole my identity officer, and here's a photo of me and my cute baby, don't mind the duct-tape. I photoshopped it." The cop must have just looked at her dumbfounded and been like yeah, I think I might have to arrest you. This story makes me mad that morons can't just be killed. This woman does not need to add more of her DNA to the gene pool.

It's Finally Over

Carmelo Anthony is finally done holding the sports world hostage with this where will he end up bullshit. So finally the Knicks sealed the deal. Today the NBA office will okay the trade and we'll be done with this shit. The Knicks gave up the fucking whole squad, but who cares. Now you have Amare and Melo, that is a beast combo, just need a few role-players and the Knicks could be money. And Knicks fans, you deserved to not get him for bitching about what you were giving up. Gallinari? Give me a fucking break. A spot up goofy-as-fuck white boy? Yeah okay people, hold onto him and let Melo go to New Jersey, at least the Knicks management knows what the fuck is up.

The Nuggets Get:
Danilo Gallinari
Wilson Chandler
Raymond Felton
Timofey Mozgov
New York's first rounder in 2014

The Knicks Get:
Chauncy Billups
Carmelo Anthony
Shelldon Williams
Anthony Carter

The third team in on the deal, the Timberwolves, are also sending Corey Brewer to the Knicks for Eddy Curry and Anthony Randolph. From CBS Sports.

Okay, all I'm seeing today is this, "Now the Celtics/Knicks are a rivalry again" bullshit. Are you fucking kidding me? The Celtics play the best D in the NBA AND shoot the best overall percentage. The Knicks still won't be able to contend with t he best NBA teams unless they start focusing everyone (besides Melo of course) on playing defense.

Finally New York shipped this clown out

Now don't get my hate wrong Knicks fans. You will be good. You can now contend with every other piece of shit team in the East. But make no mistake when it comes to the Celtics and Heat, you're still getting muffed up. There is more building to be done in New York, so save the shit talk for a year or two you fucking Spike Lee ball-lickers. At least it's over now.

And for the Nuggets, you got rid of Chauncy, who is aging faster than anyone except Obama right now. You gave up Melo, but also his huge contract. Let the Knicks deal with that shit. Just start rebuilding, the Nuggets won't be too bad now, but they'll have plenty of cap space to get some talent in Denver. All is not lost.

And yeah I took fucking yesterday off. I honor our Presidents, so go fuck yourself.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Why'd You Leave the Kitchen?

Jesus, I hate to be sexist but this is why the men are outside chopping wood and the women are inside cooking for when the man gets done.

Chick Hits Ankle With Axe

That's what you get for not respecting the ax, sweetheart. Wearing Uggs to chop wood? You were screwed from the start.

This is it for today campers, I'm en route to good old New York, for my boy's 23rd birthday/ the 10,000 party. See you all on Monday and try to have some fun this weekend, you earned it.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

What's Wrong with L.A.?

So, I can't believe I'm even saying this. Last night the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the L.A. Lakers. Wow, it just looks wrong. But it's true, the slide in L.A. continues with a loss to the worst team in the NBA bar none. Going into All-Star Weekend, the Lakers lost 3 in a row counting last night. Kobe and company left the arena in shame.

If I was Pau Gasol, I'd be pissed. Dude puts up 30 points and 20 boards and they lose? Like what the fuck L.A.? Thinking maybe it's time to get rid of fucking Ron Artest huh? He had one point, two assists, a block and a turnover in 18 minutes. Yeah, hes a real asset to the team. Andrew Bynum went for 6 points and 6 boards in 22 minutes. Yeah, I definitely wouldn't take Melo for him. Are you shitting me L.A.? Kobe was 8 for 25 from the floor. It was just miserable for L.A. No pride whatsoever.

I mean this win gave Cleveland their tenth win of the season. Goddamn L.A., this isn't how you want to end the season is it? The Heat or the Celtics will tear that ass up in the Finals if you play like that. I mean come on look at this box score, Ramon Sessions put up 32 against the Lakers in 38 minutes. What the fuck? You guys got beat by Ramon Sessions?

Ramon Sessions, making it rain on L.A.?

Is Nothing Sacred? IBM Rapes Jeopardy

So if you have been living under a rock for the past week. IBM's computer made to play Jeopardy, named "Watson" raped the shit out of his human competition. Kenn Jennings, Jeopardy genius, was even astounded by Watson's ability to rape him and Brad Rutter. Watson racked up a $77,147 total compared to Jennings $24,000 and Rutters $21,600.

This is the end of humanity as we know it. Take a nice wholesome game of intelligence like Jeopardy and let IBM take over. They ran fucking ten minutes of IBM ads on each show and then between IBM promotion everyone just sat back and watch Watson tear apart the board. If you are a fan of Jeopardy, it was the worst day in the show's history. I'm sure the ratings were insane compared to the usual ones, but come on. It was almost painful to watch two guys who rip Jeopardy to shreds just sit there while a computer answers everything.

This is the first signal of the apocalypse. IBM is going to turn Watson into fucking Skynet from Terminator and then the only person who can save us is the Governator. It's about to pop off all because IBM had to show off their fucking sweet technology. Great guys, you won Jeopardy with a Google-searching computer. And now we're all fucked.

All your base, are belong to Watson

The one thing that confused me though was in final Jeopardy the second day, the category was U.S. cities and Watson threw Toronto out there. Now don't be fooled, he just wanted to pull up so that we wouldn't all be completely terrified that he knows all. He just threw one to make us feel better. Don't fall for it. He will destroy us all. Fuck you IBM, I see through your bullshit.

Here is Jenning's take on the whole thing.

Miguel Cabrera: DUI

According to The Smoking Gun, last night we had the first arrest of the 2011 MLB season. Detriot Tigers superstar Miguel Cabrera was stopped on the side of a road in Florida with smoke pouring out of his engine. A cop stopped to see what the fuck was going on and Cabrera was allegedly so drunk he was sipping from a bottle of Scotch in front of the Sheriff, smooth.

Oh hey Miguel
Apparently while he was being cuffed he started running around in the road with his hands up. When another officer arrived to help get Cabrera secured, he required a little coaxing, including a twist of the wrist and "3-4 knee spikes" which I assume means they just charlie horsed the shit out of him and threw him in the cop car while he was yelling "Fuck you! Do you know who I am?" Classic. The full story is here at The Smoking Gun.

Why the fuck isn't there a video of this arrest? I want to see Cabrera sipping from a bottle and flipping out, yelling all sorts of shit. I want this tape! I mean here's what I don't get. In my mind nothing is more likely to get you beaten or "knee spiked" quicker than saying "Do you know who I am?" Either they do and think you're an asshole for trying to use your position to get out of it, or they think you're one of like a hundred drunks who pretend to be famous when they get cuffed. But I'm no fool, I know cop cars have dashboard cams, I want footage. Show me the goods someone. Way to start off spring training too bro, good to know starting the season doesn't affect your intake of Scotch.

Number 10,000

In the wee hours of this morning Beat Blathering hit 10,000 views. I just want to give a shout to all my loyal readers who are making this thing possible. Whether you want your news with a side of funny commentary, or ridiculous videos your life stops you from searching for all day, I try to serve you the best I can. For those just passing by, I thank you too.

When I started this thing I thought it would just be for a couple friends (Heather) and maybe some random people who found it on the internet. Well now there are 10,000 friends and internet scourers who've seen it. Maybe now I'll start seeing some kind of revenue or something. I'm still broke as fuck. But taking over the world one lost internet-wandering soul at a time. We've only been going since October bitches, we're moving on up like the goddamn Jefferson's.

Big Fucking Surprise, Students Still Spring Breaking in Mexico

I was reading an article on Huffington Post about how kids are still going to Mexico for Spring Break even though people are getting killed daily down there by drug cartels. My initial reaction was of fucking course they are.

Looks dangerous to me
Look, no matter what is going on in Mexico, Cancun is synonymous with Spring Break to college kids across America. Not 21? Mexico doesn't care. Fucking cold spells all throughout the southern U.S.? It's never cold in Mexico. Hate drinking tap water? No worries! In Mexico you'll get dysentery and poo blood for a month. And most importantly, MTV has been going to Spring Break in Cancun for decades now. And the peso is worth about as much as pubic hair. You can walk into a Mexican liquor store with five bucks and get like 200 Coronas and a bottle of real tequila. What more can you ask for on Spring Break?

And as far as the violence goes, some people are like so scared because of course there are Mexicans just running around shooting tourists right? No fucking way, the violence down there is along the border and caused by cartel turf wars. While I'm sure it's not hard to find some dirt weed in Cancun, I don't think cartels are going to start capping their best clients. It's just bad business.

In the article they interview a student asking for his perspective:
Tom Black, a freshman at Arizona State, said he wouldn't even consider traveling to Mexico. The 18-year-old instead is heading to Pennsylvania to visit family.
"All the stuff you hear about, the violence," he said. "Especially since it could be aimed at Americans and at kids. I think we could be targets."

Fucking freshman don't know shit. Just because awhile ago some dude got shot off his skis by Mexican pirates near the border doesn't mean shit. Like a million people go to Cancun on Spring Break, if you are smart and stay on the fucking resort, what are the chances a random pirate is just going to drive by and pluck you off the beach? I'd be more worried about scoring herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea all in one week. That's an itchy plane ride home my friend.

All I'm saying is, there will always be pussies like Tom Black, who are so scared of big bad Mexico that they go to Pennsylvania on Spring Break. Sweet, Amish country, good times. But for most people, Cancun is the prime destination for a week of getting shit-faced nonstop, and fucking some drunk tail. I'm just saying. It'll never stop. Mexico could be in a civil war and bullets are flying and shit, but come March, it'll always be hopping in Cancun. Personally I like north of the border, good old Montreal. My kind of people up there.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Old Teacher: Fucking Reckless

I don't even know what to say about this video. It amazes me. I mean when I was little I used to go see those dudes at the Great Escape who'd jump like fucking a hundred feet into a 3 foot deep tank. But a kiddie pool? My mind has officially been blown.

Pirates: Awesome Then, Stupid Now

So today the only surviving Somali pirate that captured the Maersk Alabama cargo ship in 2009 has been senteced to 33 years and 9 months locked the fuck up. Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, was the only survivor because once him and three other men took the ship and its captain hostage, we just sent in the motherfuckin' Navy SEAL squad to ice the pirates. Full story here.

Pirating ain't what it used to be
This is one of the reasons why fucking Pirates of the Caribbean is horrible. These dudes in Somalia are all like oh Captain Jack Sparrow, we want to be like you. Well guess what bro's, life isn't that easy as a pirate. This isn't the Colonial era where your boat can outrun the government and you just get drunk, fuck bitches and fight navy's. These days it's more like you try to take a cargo ship filled with 10,000 of dog food and then the U.S. just helicopters in some Sam Fisher type dudes and suddenly your boys are dead and you're headed to jail for 33 years. Sweet pirate life bro.

Humpday Hotty: Katy Perry

Okay this was a long time coming. Ever since she kissed a girl and liked it, Katy Perry has been the hottest thing since the iPod. She's cute, her music is decent, and she's married to Russell Brand. What's not to like?

Katy kind of has that "Girl Next Door" thing going on. But there is just something else about her, I'm not sure what it is, but I know I like it. 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Weed: Good for Getting Big?

A recent article from the Hightimes website talks about the value of marijuana in the workout process. Of course, where does pot come in? Appetite. Health and fitness experts agree instead of eating a few large meals a day, throughout the day you should eat up to 6 times, with a significant source of protein in each mini-meal. How do you eat 6 times a day? Get high of course.

Michael Beasley knows what I'm talking about
The article focuses on an aspect of working out most people overlook, a proper recovery plan. Between workouts you should be eating right (6 times a day if possible), sleeping properly, and ideally, keep the stress to a minimum. What substance assists in all those aspects of recovery? Weed. Keeping the stress down, the appetite healthy, and increasing quality of sleep are all things that are not only good for people trying to increase muscle. They are things that help with an overall healthy lifestyle. And what helps you attain these things? Maybe a little bit of weed. I'm just saying, there might be some logic to it.

Under Armour: Making Moves in the NFL

So Cam Newton just signed an endorsement deal with Under Armour. The deal is reportedly giving Newton the biggest endorsement deal of any NFL rookie, surpassing the $1 million Adidas threw a mil at Reggie Bush in 2006 when he joined the league. Full story at Sporting News. Under Armour also made another move this off-season, picking up Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady, whose contract with Nike expired this year.

From signing autos to signing checks
Brady, TD's and business ventures
Unlike Newton however, Brady, who inked his deal with Under Armour in October 2010, insisted on getting a stake in the company as well, according to SI. Tommy is a smart businessman. He knows Under Armour is on the come-up, and he wants to get paid. And paid again when the company, right now only a twentieth the size of Nike, takes over the sports world. Which it might, in any case they are making some moves this year to pick up some awesome endorsers. Will 2011 be the year of the Under Armour?