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Friday, September 30, 2011

Sox Say Peace to Francona

Peace dipshit

From Newser:
(Newser) – Still reeling from their epic September collapse, the Red Sox have decided to part ways with longtime manager Terry Francona, sources tell the Boston Globe. The skipper is meeting with GM Theo Epstein and the team’s owners today, and the expected resolution will be that the team will not pick up his $4.5 million option for next year. 

Sources say the decision was made on an ownership level; Epstein yesterday said he didn’t blame Francona for the Sox collapse, but John Henry has made no comment on the matter. Francona is expected to support the decision; asked yesterday if he wanted to stay, he was stunningly non-committal, saying only, “Theo and I talked today a little bit. I think we’ll continue to talk tomorrow. … It’s still pretty fresh and pretty raw. It’s a fair question.”

I think Francona, I really do. But you have to expect a shitload of changes to the Sox to start right now. You don't complete the biggest collapse in the history of the MLB and just keep everybody. Francona isn't gone yet, but he will be within a few days. And then we'll see who else the Sox want to continue without.

People 1, Shark 0

Sharks don't come out behind in many matchups. Except for this one.

That shark was chilling all cool like an asshole and boom. Don't fuck with humans bitch.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

And You Thought You Finish Quick

Perfect internet video. Animals fucking, then it ends with me feeling good about being about to bone for like 30 seconds at a clip. Makes me feel like a pornstar.

By the way, isn't it weird how when the breed horses they like tie the she-horse up and just let the dude pummel her? Fucking weird man.

Slow Learner

From the NY Post:
A greedy bank robber starred in his own criminal version of “Groundhog Day” -- holding up the same downtown Sovereign branch on three consecutive days before he was finally busted yesterday, police sources told The Post yesterday. 

Charles Burnett, 29, allegedly stole a total of more than $26,000 before cops thwarted his unprecedented crime spree.
“Maybe a handful of times I’ve heard of a guy come back a few weeks later,” said a law-enforcement source. “I’ve never heard of a guy come back two days in a row, let alone three.”
MAN OF STEAL: Teller Danielle Stephens (bottom) was a witness to the third straight hit on this Sovereign Bank by this robber, identified by police as Charles Burnett of Teaneck, NJ. Officers in the area were watching for the stickup man and chased the suspect down after yesterday’s heist on Gold Street downtown.
Photos: Daniel Shapiro
MAN OF STEAL: Teller Danielle Stephens (bottom) was a witness to the third straight hit on this Sovereign Bank by this robber, identified by police as Charles Burnett of Teaneck, NJ. Officers in the area were watching for the stickup man and chased the suspect down after yesterday’s heist on Gold Street downtown.
Burnett began his heist hat trick at 9:19 a.m. Monday, when he boldly entered the bank, shoved a customer out of the way and handed a teller a demand note that read: “Put money in the bag, I have a gun.”
To show he was serious, he produced a brown paper bag and banged it on the counter to indicate it had something heavy, and threatening, inside. The teller gave him $2,258 and he walked out while peeling off a blue glove.

The next day he came back at 10:54 a.m., aggressively cut the line and demanded loot.

Dude this is too much. I mean come on guy, you got away with robbing a motherfucking bank. Take it and run. That shit isn't easy these days. Why fucking go back everyday? Are you the biggest moron on the earth? Too bad I already have a loser of the week because these motherfucker is going to be laughed out of prison when the inmates find out how fucking dumb he is. Of course they'll assrape him first.

Another Human Centipede Trailer

I can't get enough of these Human Centipede 2 trailers. I mean fuck, this movie had better be the most fucked up thing I have ever witnessed. It looks like it probably won't disappoint. And filming in black and white? Genius. Makes it ten times as creepy.

Brady's Hair Cut, Finally

From Yahoo Sports:
The angelic, cascading locks that dangled gracefully from Tom Brady's(notes) scalp as he threw for over 1,300 yards in three games have been shorn.
Chris Forsberg of ESPN Boston, at a press conference at Patriots facilities Wednesday, tweeted this shocking image of a fleeced Tom Brady.
Breaking News: Tom Brady has cut his hair

We remember fondly.

Brady began growing his hair out in the middle of last year. Around July, tufts of his chestnut brown mop began sticking out of his hats and helmets. In September of last year, he said his wife Gisele wouldn't allow him to cut it. The mane then progressed to more of a Justin Bieber look, which ignited the unforgettable and vicious Brady/Bieber rap beef of October '10.

This is what happens when you lose to the Bills. You have to make a change. Brady cutting the lax-flow was step one. Step two is stop throwing motherfucking picks. Now the hair is cut, the ship is righted, and we are ready to grab another ring.

Red Sox Collapse

I know it's a tough morning for Red Sox Nation. Let me start by saying the Pats Superbowl win is going to make this all much easier in a few months.

The Red Sox completed the worst September collapse ever last night by losing to the Orioles to lose their wild card bid to the streaking Rays. What is next for the Sox? Obviously something has got to change. During the end of August no one could stop the Sox and 30 days later they couldn't hit their way out of an irish domestic dispute. Jacoby and Pedroia can't keep an entire team competitive, something has got to give.

His back hurts

We still have the Bruins and Pats people don't jump in front of the T yet.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Just Fuck Her Next Time Dude

You know what, I'm not sure many dudes have been swung on because they won't bone a chick, this might be the first time it has ever happened.

From the Smoking Gun:
SEPTEMBER 27--“All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?”

I wouldn't hit it either

That’s what Melissa Minarsich said to police last night when they arrived at her Iowa City home in response to a call of a “female out of control.” As detailed by Minarsich, 28, she got into an altercation with her boyfriend “because he would not have sex with her.”

Which prompted Minarsich’s pointed remark to cops about her desire for “ass.”
According to a criminal complaint, Minarsich smelled of booze and had slurred speech when interviewed by Iowa City Police Department officers. Her boyfriend--with whom she has an eight-month-old child--told cops when he told Minarsich “he wouldn’t sleep with her she became upset and swung at him.” Minarsich “landed a couple of blows,” but the man was not injured, police noted.

Minarsich was booked into the Johnson County jail on a misdemeanor domestic assault charge (she was convicted in June 2009 on a similar count). Seen in the above mug shot, Minarsich is being held in lieu of $5000 bond.

This is a weird fucking domestic dispute to walk into if you are a cop. Crazy drunk slut screaming about needing the dick, and the poor dude getting slapped around yelling about how he wouldn't fuck her with his enemies' penis. Just prime Jerry Springer type shit right there. Or an episode of Cops. But honestly dude, you shoulda just taken one for the team and given her the dick, probably just the tip would have been enough. Although that's probably how she tricked you into being her baby-daddy so what the fuck do I know.

Demi Moore is Pissed

From the NY Post:
She’s telling her boy toy to bounce.
Fed-up cougar Demi Moore has had it up to here with her half-grown husband’s harlots, and is officially ending her six-year marriage to Hollywood hunk Ashton Kutcher, according to a report.
The expected split comes on the heels of reports that Kutcher, 33, bedded a young woman after a booze-fueled boys’ night out at a San Diego nightclub on Sept. 24, which also happened to be his and Demi’s sixth anniversary.

The 23-year-old “other woman” went into hiding after hiring a top Hollywood attorney, according to Radar Online, whose sister publication, Star magazine, is reporting the split.
“Ashton and Demi have separated and the marriage is over,” a source close to the pair told Star magazine.
Tongues were wagging this week when Moore, 48, stepped out solo at the New York Lifetime premiere of “Five” looking even skinnier than usual.
She has also tweeted recently about having “your own back” and “trying to find the light I lost.”
Representatives for Moore and Kutcher did not respond to requests for comment.

Hey honey, that's the broad I boned last night

Well this was about two years in the making. Who marries the soon-to-be-unhot cougar? I mean come on Ashton I could have told you this was a shit idea. Of course he gets drunk and smashes twenty-something hotties. He's Ashton motherfucking Kutcher. He's a young rich hollywood douche you can't expect him to not act like one Demi. I thought you were a smart cougar but apparently your mind is going with your body in old age.

Iran Chillin Off the Cape

Well, looks like Iran wants in on the beautiful east coast of the US. Some Rear Admiral or poo-plunger or something from their navy said that the ocean is free so Iran's navy can do what they want.

From Newser:

American ships patrol close to Iranian coasts, so the Iranians are going to send their own warships to patrol near the waters of one of the world's most "arrogant" powers, vows the head of Iran's navy. 

Rear Admiral Habibollah Sayyari, speaking at a ceremony marking the anniversary of the start of the Iran-Iraq War, said that "with the help of our sailors who follow the concept of the supreme jurisprudence," Iran will establish a strong presence near the US East Coast, Reuters reports. 

Iran—which sent warships through the Suez Canal earlier this year for the first time since 1979—also plans to send ships to fight piracy in the Gulf of Aden. "We've been pushing freedom of the seas for years and the Iranian navy can go wherever it wants," a Pentagon spokesman said. Of course, another official added that if Iranian warships choose to approach America's marine borders, "they might have some company."

Go go Iranian navy!

I love the response from the Pentagon, oh yeah the ocean is a free place blah blah blah but if Iran comes near our waters we're going to be up their ass with a hot poker. Like I couldn't guess that we would have 238,765 ships watching them while they pull their tugboat up in Provincetown to hit the Lobster Pot or something.

Thank you Pentagon for making me feel safe even though motherfucking Iran is being wild as shit. Can't we at this point sink ships and make it look like an accident or some shit? I mean you'd think we would have that kind of fucking technology.

I hope they make it to the east coast and then their shit starts to leak or something and the coast guard has to bail them out. That would be fucking hilarious.

And also, why is the title of the head of a navy "Rear Admiral"? I mean try something more badass like "Supreme Boat-Jockey", Rear Admiral just makes me think of gay jokes. It's just who I am.

Humpday Hotty: Monika Pietrasinska

The Polish got something right. This chick is one of the hottest models out there right now with a last name you can't pronounce. I like it. I don't really know anything at all about this chick, but who cares right?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Loser of the Week: 9/26

When was the last time we all heard from shitty rapper Petey Pablo? Never, yeah I know. Freak-a-leek is a thing of the past and Petey has fallen off the earth, until now.

From TMZ:
Rapper Petey Pablo has been sentenced to spend 35 months in federal prison after trying to take a loaded, stolen handgun through a NC airport last year.

Pablo -- famous for hits like "Freak-A-Leek" and "Raise Up" -- had pleaded guilty to possessing a stolen firearm in a North Carolina courtroom.

As TMZ previously reported, officials found the loaded weapon in Pablo's bag when it went through an X-ray machine at the security checkpoint.

An investigation revealed the gun was stolen in a home burglary in Gardena, CA back in 2005. 

Who the fuck brings a loaded gun into an airport? My guess is there are two reasons. Possibility one: Petey Pablo forgot there was a loaded, stolen firearm in his bag. In this case he is both thug as fuck and has mad guns, and he's an idiot. Second scenario: he got so fucking high to go to the airport he completely forgot that you aren't allowed to have a gun on an airplane. So here's to you Petey Pablo, for being completely useless and the idiot of the week. I mean come on man.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Peer Pressure


Look man I know peer pressure is rough and shit, but it seems like your grip wasn't that good. Motherfucker, the only reason you aren't Loser of the Week is because I couldn't see you hit ground in the video. Be thankful for that thick jungle foliage you loser.

Doritos Inventor Dead

From NY Daily News:
DALLAS-- Arch West, a retired Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with creating Doritos as the first national tortilla chip brand, has died in Dallas at age 97.

A statement issued by the West family says he died Tuesday at Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas. A graveside service is scheduled for Oct. 1. Daughter Jana Hacker of Allen tells The Dallas Morning News the family plans on "tossing Doritos chips in before they put the dirt over the urn."

Now I don't know who the fuck this guy is but we owe him a moment of silence. If you have any soul at all you can respect the Dorito as an all-around awesome chip. Cooler Ranch is fucking cash money and you know it. Sure they may have fucked up with some weird flavors, but the classics are still the classics. Bottom line is if it's 4am and I'm drunk and stoned off my ass I'm grabbing a bag of Doritos and I'm housing them. And loving every second.

Bed Intruder Guy Arrested

So everyone by now has heard the Bed Intruder Song. Well Antoine Dodson, the "hide yo kids" guy, just got popped for playing music too loud and having a warrant, smart bro.

From TMZ:
According to police, Dodson was stopped at 6:20 PM and issued a warning for violating the local noise ordinance -- but during the incident, cops ran his name and discovered there was a warrant out for his arrest.

Cops say Dodson failed to appear in court after he was popped for marijuana possession back in April -- so the officers arrested him on the spot and hauled the "Bed Intruder" singer to a nearby station.

According to jail records, Dodson was released after posting $516.00 bond.

Dude, just because you got famous for a stupid song doesn't mean you can just blast it all day every day. Someone is going to get pissed, and also, when you have a warrant out, probably should lay off the bass a little.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Innuendo in Cartoons to Open the Weekend

Have a good weekend peeps.

Divorce is Crazy

Jesus look at this shit a Colorado man did after his messy divorce. Chicken in the air ducts, really?

From NY Daily News:
Ronald Smith, 58, of Denver, was found guilty of stuffing raw chicken into the air vents of his now ex-wife's house, pouring bleach into her grand piano and targeting other objects of sentimental value.
He also donned a pair of cleated mountain boots and stomped across the home's new hardwood floors.
Smith was arrested for breaking into Michelle Young's residence to inflict thousands of dollars in damages as the couple's contentious divorce wrapped up in September 2010.

A Colorado jury, after a two-week trial, convicted him of second-degree burglary and criminal mischief following six hours of deliberations.

According to prosecutors, Smith began harassing his estranged spouse when the divorce papers were filed in 2009.

Is this dude really about get 18 years in prison? For stuffing some chicken in someone's ducts and stomping around in cleats and bleaching a piano? I mean isn't 18 years like drug trafficking and assault type shit? The legal system is so fucked up. Make him pay for the damages and give him a month or two in lockup. But 18 years? Really?

Spontaneous Combustion

You know spontaneous combustion, it's when you just randomly light on fire. Well apparently it used to be a fake thing, and now it's a real thing.

From Newser:
On Dec. 22, 76-year-old Michael Faherty burned to death in his home in a blaze that, firefighters say, had no cause and was restricted to his body and the area immediately surrounding it. Yesterday, a coroner ruled that Faherty died of spontaneous human combustion, the Irish Times reports. 

The BBC notes that it is believed to be the first spontaneous combustion case in the country. Investigators and experts determined that there was no accelerant, no suggestion of foul play, and that the fire in the fireplace near where Faherty died was not the cause of the fire that killed him. 

Put me out bro!

 So you're telling me this guy just randomly became on fire? What the fucking fuck. We got an asteroid due to hit the earth today AND people just being set on fire. The fucking Mayans were right, shit is starting to hit the motherfucking fan. At least it's Friday.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Loser of the Week: 9/19

This week our loser is not a fool face-planting off a skateboard into a car. It is an idiot NFL athlete getting caught buying weed to sell.

From USA Today:
CRESTVIEW HILLS, Ohio - Authorities swooped in on a house owned by Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Jerome Simpson after a package containing 2.5 pounds of California marijuana was allegedly delivered to the home. Investigators found 6 more pounds of pot inside the home, says Michelle Gregory, spokeswoman for the California Department of Justice.

Gregory said Simpson and Bengals teammate Anthony Collins were present when a woman, identified as Aleen Smith, 27, accepted the package Tuesday at Simpson's home. Authorities detained Simpson and Collins, but no one was arrested, Gregory said. Simpson told police he lived at the residence and gave officers consent to search the premises, Gregory said.

Officers also seized drug paraphernalia such as "packaging materials, scales and smoking devices."
"The house was set up as a potential distribution network," Tommy LaNier, head of the National Marijuana Initiative, told CaliforniaWatch. The NMI is funded by the Office of National Drug Control Policy and helps coordinate marijuana enforcement operations around the United States.

Whatup loser

Are NFL players really this fucking dumb? Why not get the weed delivered to someone you are tight with who isn't on the NFL PAYROLL!? The fuck are these morons thinking? And second, do you really need to deal weed when you are an NFL receiver? Really? I'm looking up this motherfucker's salary. According to spotrac.com, Simpson is going to make a total of $926,750 this season. So do you really need that extra couple thousand from slanging weed? I don't think so you fucking idiot. But now that the Bengals will probably cut you, you'll have to move up to coke to pay for that nice car and house. Idiot.

Slapping Tits Makes 'Em Bigger?

This is ridiculous. Apparently in Thailand or some shit chicks pay to get slapped all over. This chick claims she slaps peoples' titties and makes them grow like 2 inches? I wonder if dudes can be slap-massagers. Sign me right the fuck up.

They Are Going to Kill Scarface

I fucking couldn't believe this bullshit when I read it. Apparently there is a movie in the works which will be the third Scarface movie. And mark my fucking words, they are going to destroy one of the best gangster films of all time.

From Newser:
Say hello to my little friend ... again. Sort of. Universal Pictures is preparing to make (but not remake) a third Scarface, which it says will not be a rehashing of or sequel to either the 1932 or 1983 films, but a new version, reports Deadline. It'll share the same premise (outsider busts his way into the criminal underworld in a bid to achieve the, ahem, American dream; violence is involved). 

No word on ethnicity or geography (Italian/Chicago, Cuban/Miami played big in the first two versions, Deadline reminds us). Former Universal head Marc Shmuger will produce, along with Martin Bregman, who produced the Al Pacino version. 

How can you one-up this guy?

I could give a fuck about the 1932 movie, but I swear to god if they sully the good name of Tony Montana I will go fucking postal. I mean are no movies sacred anymore? Why don't they just destroy the Godfather too? Or remake fucking Goodfellas. Jesus when will the madness end?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ben & Jerry's Pissing Off Moms Everywhere

Dude do these parent groups have no shame? Going after innocent old Ben and Jerry and their ice cream company in Vermont. I mean they probably give back more than any other company, and they make awesome ice cream. Their ridiculous names for their products is the problem this time.

Put 'em in your mouth

From Newser:
It turns out, not everyone wants to eat something called “Schweddy Balls.” OneMillionMoms, a sub-group of the American Family Association, is calling for a boycott on the troublemakers at Ben & Jerry’s over this “vulgar new flavor.” In a newsletter to their supporters, spotted by Perez Hilton, the group says the flavor “has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive.” 

The moms understand that the name is a riff on an old Alec Baldwin Saturday Night Live sketch, they just don’t think it’s funny, complaining that it’s “not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.” They’re also still annoyed over last year’s “Hubby Hubby” flavor celebrating gay marriage. “It seems that offending customers has become an annual tradition for Ben & Jerry’s,” they tut.

Is this how far political correctness has come? You can't even reference something somewhat crude on your own fucking ice cream?! And really you're going to bash on Hubby Hubby too? What the fucking fuck. If I were Ben and Jerry I'd name the next flavor "Mommy needs a Hobby" just to prove a fucking point. You don't want your kid asking for Schweddy Balls in Hannaford? Well just wait until little Suzie becomes a coke-whore and starts asking for Schweddy balls on her forehead.

Pot Helps PTSD

So for some reason scientists needed to conduct tests to see that weed calms down rats after they are exposed to something traumatic. Duh bro.

From Newser:
(Newser) – Should we start issuing marijuana to soldiers? It might not be the worst idea, based on a new study from Haifa University in Israel, which found that pot could prevent post-traumatic stress disorder in rats—provided it was administered within 24 hours of the trauma occurring. “There is a critical window of time after trauma, during which synthetic marijuana can help prevent symptoms,” the study’s lead author tells the AFP

To arrive at their conclusion, the researchers first exposed rats to extreme stress; they found that the creatures exhibited symptoms similar to those of humans with PTSD. Then they split the rats into groups, giving some no marijuana, and injecting others with it at various times. A week later, they found that those who hadn’t been treated, or hadn’t been treated quickly enough, exhibited PTSD symptoms and anxiety. Those who had toked up within 24 hours still exhibited signs of anxiety, but the symptoms were gone.

Wow, if you become stressed weed can help you stop freaking out. I bet scientists just take research money, smoke a shit ton of pot, and then just right what they know is true; that weed helps stress management. I mean come on guys, you really need the full injecting rats and shit?

Afghan soldiers do it and look how their country is doing

The study is still pretty fucking stupid thought because what are they going to do, let soldiers smoke after battle? What happens when the camp gets attacked and everyone inside is baked as fuck? Doesn't seem smart to me dudes.

Humpday Hotty: Sofia Vergara

It's been a long time coming for the hot MILF from Modern Family. She is a smokin' latina MILF, and they only get better with age. Plus the accent. That's a two-fer-one right there. As a youngin' she was hot, but as a MILF I think she's hotter. You decide.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Got Weed?

From High Times:
Last Wednesday Reggae artist Denroy Morgan was pulled over by police for running a stop sign in the Bronx. Unfortunately for Mr. Morgan, offers sniffed out “the pungent aroma” of pot in his vehicle. After questioning from officers, Morgan copped to 25 pounds of marijuana stashed in the trunk of his car.
Morgan was also charged with not wearing a seatbelt.
However, the investigation into Mr. Morgan’s cannabis didn’t end there. The pot trail led back to a two-story brick building in the Bronx where officers observed Wayne Swavy leaving the building with what appeared to be several bundles of marijuana tucked under his arm.
Swavy got into his car and was also pulled over for, you guessed it, not wearing a seat belt.
As it turned out, Mr Swavy was in possession of 16 pounds of pot at the time.
After obtaining a search warrant to check the house Swavy was observed exiting with the stash, investigators discovered “310 pounds of [cannabis], in bales and bags.”
Cops estimate the street value somewhere between $140,000 and $350,000 depending upon potency.

Way to make us stoners look like idiots guys. Probably should buckle up when you have 16 pounds of kush in the trunk you know? I mean at least if you aren't doing anything suspicious the odds you get pulled over are minimal. dude was probably driving at night with no lights on or a seat belt while talking on his cell and smoking a fat blunt. That'll get you busted every time noob.

Heads Up Little Bro

Too late.

Did Mike Tyson Just Go Full Retard?

The clear winner of the Charlie Sheen roast last night was Iron Mike Tyson. I mean he laughed like a schoolgirl, he was so wasted on stage he couldn't button his jacket, he was a trainwreck. He also referenced "eating children". Solid act mike, solid act.

Who am I to say a guy you can't understand normally shouldn't get wasted before trying to make fun of funnier people than him? Seems like a disaster to me, but it was tv gold.

Every Teen Bro's Fantasy

So every teenage dude has fantasies about banging his boy's mom. But in this case the perfect storm of MILFery went down flawlessly, until the stupid cooze got caught.

From Newser:
(Newser) – The crime talker of the day: A 44-year-old California woman is accused of having sex and committing "lewd acts" with at least one and possibly three members of her son's youth hockey team, reports the Orange County Register. Kathia Maria Davis, a divorced mother of three, faces charges of unlawful sex with a minor under 16 and engaging in lewd acts with a minor under 14. 

Police don't think her son knew about the alleged acts, which reportedly started years ago, notes the Los Angeles Times. Says a police official, "We received complaints that she was throwing parties for members of the hockey team and other friends of her son and providing them with alcohol." The LAT helpfully adds that they were "sleepover parties." Davis is out on bail.

Not quite what I had in mind, but it'll do

Woah there under 14 dude. Nice. Not even sprouting pubes in his ball bag yet and he is getting crunk and banging his teammate's mom. If that isn't a pimp in the making I don't know what is.

She Hates Beiber

You know when you come in your room to relax, and your dumbass roommate is playing Justin Beiber? I mean at that point what does every sane person want to do...stab the shit out of their Beiber-loving idiot roommate. Well, this crazy chick did just that.

Don't change the song on this bitches Ipod

From Huffington Post:
UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — An attorney for a Maryland college student accused of stabbing a roommate to death after they argued about music says his client was acting in self-defense.
An attorney for Alexis Simpson says the stabbing was a tragic accident. Prosecutors disagree, saying Simpson had made a choice to end Dominique Frazier's life last week.

A judge ordered Simpson, 19-year-old Bowie State University student, held without bond Monday.
Court documents say Simpson stabbed Frazier inside their dormitory-style apartment after the two women argued about music playing from an iPod.
A preliminary hearing is set for Oct. 14.

You gotta love douchebag defense lawyers. Self defense bro? From what, the shitty music Justin Beiber unleashes on the world? Personally I would have tried for insanity. Stabbing someone over the playlist that's bumping is pretty fucking close to pure insanity. Throw in Rebecca Black and this chick would burn the whole place down probably. "Tragic incident" my ass, your client shanked her roommate because of music.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sheen Roast Tonight

Tonight at 10 on Comedy Central. Charlie Sheen getting roasted. Be there. The motherfucking Warlock himself will allow the peons of comedy to rip on him. And then he will shoot fireballs at them.

I mean the new and of course horrible Two and a Half Men complete with Ashton Kutcher premieres at 9.

Clear winner, not the mountain man

The question is, who the fuck will keep watching "Men"? Without Charlie Sheen it is just Alan being awkward and Jake being awkward. I mean fuck, now Berta is the funniest character on the show. Not good. Then at 10 the Warlock gets roasted and it will be funny as fuck. I guarantee it. There is just too much material for guys like Seth Macfarlane to not crush Sheen. And then everyone will hold their breath when the Warlock himself takes the mic and makes an ass of himself. It will be great tv. Be there.

Quarterbacks are Dropping Like Flies

If you think after this weekend that the lockout isn't going to cause the NFL to be wide open due to injuries this year you are fucking insane.

Tony Romo led his team to a win with a broken rib.

Mark Sanchez got hurt throwing when his team was already up 30 points.

Obviously Peyton Manning is out and the Colts are fucked.

Michael Vick of course got  concussed running all over the place against the Falcons.

Jamaal Charles, sick-ass running back for the Chiefs, has a possibly torn ACL.

The list goes on and on.

This is why the entire lockout "let's hurry to get a deal done so we can have a season" thing is kind of fucked. Now this year all sorts of injuries are hurting players, and owners as well. I mean for fucks sake at this rate we're going to have a Superbowl with two teams running backups everywhere. Dudes are dropping like flies.

Everyone hushed up anyone talking about how many injuries there would be without a full preseason, well now we are seeing it in action. Some of the best Quarterbacks, and running backs, have already bit the dust. Shit, young guys who were in college last year probably have an advantage over dudes who have been in the league for once. That's why Cam Newton is tearing teams new assholes. Until he tears an ACL and they have to take him out back and shoot him too.

Fucking Awesome

This is classic right here. Like just turned my Monday around type shit. This TMZ photographer was chatting up Lance Armstrong during a run and within like 10 seconds the dude pukes. I mean like he tries to keep making small talk with Lance and shit and then boom. This guy hasn't run ever in his life apparently. They jogged literally 50 feet before he tosses his cookies. Come on man.

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

And TMZ thank you guys for making your movies embedable now because like what the fuck I mean how can I peddle smut when the kings won't let me ride their coat-tails?

If I get Hit by a Falling Satellite...

I will be fucking pissed. NASA is warning people that although it is unlikely, a satellite that is falling back to earth may fall around Friday in a populated area.

Coming to a backyard near you

From the NY Daily News:

NASA warns that a defunct satellite the size of a city bus will soon come spiraling into the Earth's atmosphere and crash to the ground - but they can't say where.

The orbit of the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite, which was decommissioned in 2005, is rapidly decaying and will likely plummet on Friday, NASA officials said Sunday.

"Reentry is expected Sept. 23, plus or minus a day," the space agency said on its website. "It is too early to say exactly when UARS will reenter and what geographic area may be affected, but NASA is watching the satellite closely."

Experts believe it could make landfall virtually anywhere in the Western Hemisphere, from Canada to the southern point of South America. A more specific location will not be known until about two hours before reentry.

The 6.5-ton UARS measures 35 feet long and 14 feet wide. NASA believes that while the object will burn during reentry, as many as 26 "potentially hazardous objects" could survive with a total weight of about 1,100 pounds.

Should the objects come down in a populated area - a scenario NASA believes to be extremely unlikely - the possibility of a person being hit is one in 3,200. No one has ever been killed by space junk falling to the ground.

The debris field of the objects could spread over 500 miles, NASA said.

Oh no one has ever been killed by space junk huh? I'm not taking any fucking chances. Friday, I'm inside. I'm not getting hit in the head by a solar panel or some bullshit. Fucking NASA is worthless, don't they run models of everything that is going on in space? What do you mean you don't know where it will fall? Take a motherfucking guess idiots. And does a "populated area" mean like anywhere people are, or a lot of people? I don't know why but I'm just picturing a fucking bus-sized chunk of metal hitting my apartment and exploding a 5 mile area. Seems plausible.

Rich Russians Throwing Fists

The thing I love about Russians is they love to fight. On TV, in Parliament, anytime Putin is involved. They just get heated and fuck each other up.

Apparently these dudes were billionaires talking about the recession when left dude got pissed at douche on the right and started going off. That first punch would have floored pussyboy Floyd Mayweather for sure.

Buy Me This Now

How much would you pay for a street legal tron light-cycle? Does 55 grand sound reasonable? Well, if you have 55 gees to drop on your favorite blogger then BUY ME THIS FUCKIN' BIKE.

From dudeiwantthat:
Does it come with the chica?

This thing is street legal and that means I am going to start saving up for it right now. I'll also have to buy a costume and become a real life superhero I guess. Any name suggestions?

This is the illuminated, street-legal motorcycle inspired by the computer animated cycle from the 2010 film Tron: Legacy. Designed for casual cruising and slow ride-bys at shows, it is made from a steel frame covered by a fiberglass cowling that replicates the sleek look of its computer-generated imagery counterpart.

Imagine how much pussy that thing will get you. Drive up to a comic convention or something and you are knee-deep in mouth-breathing teenage acne-scarred hoes.

Floyd Mayweather is a Bitch

In case you missed the Mayweather Ortize fight, it was ugly as shit, and pussy Floyd could care less if he wins via cheap shot.

video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

Alright, so the situation was Ortiz headbutts Mayweather in an exchange. They are seperated and after they touch gloves Mayweather essentially just cold-cocks Ortiz without anyone knowing what the fuck is going on. Dude, really? You can't even fight honestly? Try that shit with Pacquiao and he will mow your ass down. Floyd Mayweather, you are a bitch.

And if that old dude was young again, I'm sure he'd be Floyd around like a redheaded step-child.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Young Sluts hit New York

From the NY Post:
A gaggle of 6-year-old cowgirls dolled up like JonBenet Ramsey pranced and gyrated onstage yesterday at a Midtown show loosely tied to Fashion Week.

Headlining the bizarre event was pageant queen Eden Wood, 6, a veteran of TLC’s “Toddlers & Tiaras,” who performed three routines -- in which she slapped her rear, wriggled suggestively and whipped off her denim jacket to reveal a rhinestone-studded two-piece outfit.

Kelly Bensimon, of “The Real Housewives of New York” fame, played ringmaster at the Bryant Park Hotel to the event dubbed “The Cowgirl Riders Debutante Fashion Show.”

Bensimon egged on each of the pint-sized performers and even got up on-stage and danced along when one shy girl froze up as she appeared on the catwalk in a cowboy hat, gingham shirt and denim skirt to the opening strains of Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive.” 

“How about some moving?” the former reality star said. “Like a rock girl.”
During another blond-haired girl’s routine, Bensimon cooed, “You look like a Ralph Lauren model! If you don’t get that campaign when you’re 15, I don’t know who will!”

Oh yeeeeeeah

Dude, parents of kids who do this type of shit to their kids make me fucking sick. I mean, 6-year-old's? Like when I was six I couldn't even fake being like a model or something. Fuck, I couldn't do it right now. This shit is sick and I can't believe people showed up to watch this kiddie porn bullshit. Only in New York City can innocence be corrupted like this. I mean fuck bro, she has like MORE THAN A DECADE until she is 18.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Loser of the Week: 9/12

Alright wait til the end of this "I'm hard and you're not" video. Just wait. Whatever you think is going to happen isn't as funny as what really does.

"My mom is gunna kill me."

Jersey Paying for Jersey Shore's Popularity

From the NY Post:
MTV’s “Jersey Shore” GTL motto might now stand for gym-tax credit-laundry instead of gym-tan-laundry.
The state Economic Development Authority on Wednesday approved covering $420,000 of the production costs for the hit reality series’ inaugural 2009 season. 

Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon told the Statehouse Bureau of The Star-Ledger of Newark and The Record newspaper he can’t believe taxpayers are paying “for fake tanning for ‘Snooki’ and ‘The Situation.’” 

The show centers on the cast living it up along the beach and boardwalk in Seaside Heights. 
Seaside Heights Mayor P. Kenneth Hershey says the local economy gets a boost when the cast is in the town. 

Gov. Chris Christie suspended the film tax credit program in 2010 to close a budget deficit.

This is why everyone rips on New Jersey. It is run by idiots, for idiots. Like really, you don't think MTV makes enough money off Snooki to fucking pony up for her 3,000 condoms per season? I think they could probably cover that. But no, the people of New Jersey are so happy that their shitty stereotypes are popular they will pay for the Situations spray tan. The governor has probably given Pauly D head, I'm not going to lie.

Might as well make her governor 

It's funny because you know if this went down in New York we would be like, Fuck no I'm not paying for this bullshit. New Jersey is literally run by the cast of the Jersey Shore. It's scary.

Nicholas Cage is Fuckin' Weird

From Newser:
(Newser) – Add this to your file of weird Nicolas Cage stories: While promoting his new movie Trespass, a home invasion thriller, Cage told the Toronto Film Festival quite a story about a home invasion he actually went through. 

"It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My 2-year-old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed," he said. 

"I know it sounds funny," he continued (um, yep), "but it was horrifying." He persuaded the intruder to leave, and police came, but Cage did not press charges, KTLA reports. The Reuters version of the story hysterically notes that " A Fudgesicle is a frozen, ice cream-like snack."

Mmm mmm good

If I woke up to a naked dude with my jacket on eating a Fudgesicle I would motherfucking press charges. If it was so horrifying then get the dude put away man. Like what the fuck kind of example are you setting? After that I'm sure creeps from across the country headed to Nick Cage's crib to eat a frosty treat naked while watching him sleep. Cage is just asking for a Fudgesicle-fueled gay orgy. Whatever floats your boat bro.

Like a Boss

So the largest Swiss Bank, UBS, is in the middle of damage control after a rogue trader within the company reportedly lost $2 billion.

From USA Today:
LONDON (AP) – Swiss banking giant UBS said Thursday that a rogue trader has caused it an estimated loss of $2 billion, stunning a beleaguered banking industry that has proven vulnerable to unauthorized trades.

Police in London said they arrested a 31-year-old UBS trader, Kweku Adoboli, in the alleged fraud. UBS declined to confirm his name.

Switzerland's largest bank warned that it could report a loss for the entire third quarter as a result of the rogue trade.

The case immediately evoked memories of Jerome Kerviel, the trader at French bank Societe Generale who secretly gambled away euro4.9 billion ($6.7 billion). The scale of that fraud rocked the global financial industry and prompted banks to tighten oversight rules to ensure such large sums couldn't be traded unnoticed.

The Swiss banking regulator Finma said it was in contact with UBS about the incident, which was discovered late Wednesday.

Dude, can you imagine sitting at your desk at a huge bank. You are hungover and pissed about not getting a promotion. So to fuck 'em all you just log in and dump 2 billion dollars into Silly Bandz or something. Fucking awesome. This is like Office Space on crack. I fucking love it. 

Where's your money now bitches?

The fact that something like this can happen without someone else in the bank immediately knowing they just got chopped for 2 BILLION bucks is outrageous to me. I mean how fucking rich are these banks? "Yo man did you hear that dude in finance just lost us 2 billion bucks?" "Yeah man just wait until I put in my two weeks and spend a billion on hookers." Like I would be out of my mind nervous to control $100,000. But a BILLION? A FUCKING BILLION BRO? Throw some of that shit my way, crazy Swiss bankers.

Dom Mazzetti vs. Bad Hook Ups

Dom Mazzetti is hitting the world with his infinite wisdom every week on youtube. If you are one of the fucking losers who hasn't haerd his greatness yet, you are welcome.

Best description of a bad hook up I have ever heard.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Biggest Asshole Ever?

Oh whatup holding the door for chicks in wheelchairs? Nah, haters gunna hate.

Wal Mart Loves Women?

From Bloomberg:
Wal-Mart Stores Inc. (WMT), the world’s largest retailer, plans to announce a multibillion-dollar women’s initiative today, three months after winning dismissal of a gender-bias case from the U.S. Supreme Court. 

The plan includes buying $20 billion of products from U.S. female-owned businesses in the next five years and training women to work in factories and retail around the globe.

The world’s largest private employer also will provide more than $100 million in grants to non-profit organizations aiding women. 

Wal-Mart will ask companies it works with to hire and promote more women, said Deisha Galberth, a spokeswoman. The move mirrors programs the retailer has previously announced, such as efforts to buy more food from farmers located near its stores. 

Nice try Wal-Mart, I see what you're doing here. And it's smart. "Promote" women by "training women to work in factories and retail". You guys are so generous. Training women to work in sweatshops that make your hello kitty shit is really uplifting women. Fucking Wal-Mart thinks that this shit works. We know you guys hate women okay? You don't have to try so hard. I mean you do control the world so who gives a fuck what people think. They still buy your 10 for 4$ shirts and shit.

Scarlett Johansson Nude Photo Leak (NSFW)

BOOM! I can't believe I slept on this story this morning.

From TMZ:
Scarlett Johansson appears to be the latest victim of a nude photo HACKER -- after multiple self-shot naked cell phone pics of the actress appeared on a popular website this morning.

Sources connected with Scarlett tell us ... the FBI will be contacted this morning because they believe this is a criminal act.

The FBI has been involved in several celebrity nude photo hacking situations in the past year -- involving Vanessa Hudgens, Jessica Alba and more.

And like a goos smut-peddler I got the motherfucking goods.

Enjoy kids.