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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Fucking Love This

Oberlin College's administration made a parody of Rebecca Black's Friday for the graduating class. And I think it is fucking hilarious.

NBA Finals

I'm kind of over the NBA Finals already. Obviously I'm pulling for the Mavs. I hope that goofy fuck Nowitzki embarrasses the shit out of Lebron and D Wade and Chris Bosh the Velociraptor.

Feels weird to cheer for this goofy fucker

I mean just look at the matchups. Okay so Dirk is a mismatch, but if the Heat throw Lebron on him it will at least control some of the damage. On the flip side the Mavs have no one who can check Lebron and Dwayne Wade. So Dallas is going to have to just try and match the Heats scoring and then hopefully their bench can work over the Heats bench. But I mean if you have to rely on your bench to win you an NBA Final I think it's pretty clear the Mavs won't win the series. Unless Jason Terry and JJ Barea and Dirk combine for around 60 points. AND Shawn Marion has to show up. Good luck.

I at least hope the Mavs can make it interesting and maybe snag a game in Miami or something. But if it goes the way I think it might it's going to be a bore-fest. Tonight at 9 is tip-off on ABC.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Thank God It's Friday

Not really, my Friday is Sunday but that's besides the point. Friday is a symbolic entering into the weekend.

Here's some cute shit because I'm checked out for the week basically.

You Know When You Just...

Want to sunbath covered in oil and sip a couple High Life's while you are high as a fucking kite? Yeah, I understand. So does this guy.

From the Smoking Gun:
MAY 26--Responding to a call about a naked guy sunbathing, cops in Mishawaka, Indiana arrived at a local park Tuesday afternoon to discover a smiling Michael Donte Booth in the altogether. His nudity “was deliberate and not a wardrobe malfunction,” police concluded, according to an arrest report.

A survey of the crime scene determined that Booth’s shorts and underwear were several feet away from the blanket upon which he was laying on his back “with his entire genitals showing.” Nearby, officers found the book “Gay Power,” a “Kroger bottle of extra virgin olive oil,” two cans of Miller beer, and Marlboro cigarettes.

“Sweating all over his body,” Booth, 26, appeared to have drizzled himself with the olive oil. While his clothes smelled of marijuana, no contraband was recovered by cops, who noted that the suspect was “acting very unusual.”

That is fucking weird as hell. He must have eaten pot brownies at Paula Abdul's house.

Paula want weed!

From the NY Post:
Former "American Idol" judge Kara DioGuardi claims she hit a few "high" notes at Paula Abdul's house, thanks to some brownies that -- unbeknownst to her -- were laced with pot. 

"I was like, 'What's going on?' " she recalled on "Lopez Tonight," saying she had to be hospitalized.
"I fell out of bed . . . and the ambulance comes, and this guy is like, 'This bitch is high as a kite!' "

I don't know what's funnier. Naked high guy drizzled with oil, or Kara DioGuardi having to go to the hospital because Paula Abdul drugged her with pot brownies.

You'd roofie that
These are the high people who give weed a bad name. Now fucking conservative shmucks in Indiana think all New Yorkers just get high at Paula Abdul's and cover themselves in oil to chill out in the sun.

Charlie Sheen Porn House

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Coed Mag's 5 Dudes You Should Never Smoke With

Alright Coed Magazine came out with an article titled "5 Types of People you Should Never Smoke With". The five guys they say you shouldn't smoke with are as follows:

1. "Won't Shut up Guy" - He gets a little ripped and won't shut up. Turns every conversation into storytelling time.

2. Wetlip Guy - Enough said.

3. Over-the-top Guy - He wears 4/20 tee shirts and always talks about weed and smoking etc.

4. Lighter Stealer

5. "Can I meet Your Guy? Guy" - He is that awkward acquaintance who asks about your dealer etc.

Alright, first of all, I think that this list was clearly not developed by a real stoner. A real stoner would have changed a few things...

#4 Lighter Stealer Guy. This is a little bit of bullshit because at some point we all light up something with someone's lighter and automatically toss it in your pocket without thinking. A real stoner has like 500 lighters all over the place anyway, so #4 is kind of bullshit.

#1 Won't Shut Up Guy. Alright so won't shut up guy is annoying, but sometimes rambling high with a group of people leads to the most funny and ridiculous conversations ever. So I forgive won't shut up guy, he has his uses.

#5. This is what I have the biggest problem with. I mean if someone you hardly know asks about your connect, that is weird. But I usually only inhale with people I know well and am friends with. We compare bud and dealers all the time. It's not a big deal. Fucking rookie smokers are paranoid and think anyone who wants to talk business is an undercover cop. Yeah I'm sure the police are stinging you for an eighth, douchebag.

And I would add a few people to the list instead of #4, #1 and #5.

my #1: Gets Too High Guy. Everyone is different. Some people are used to smoking fat blunts, some people are used to ripping bongs for hours. But some people smoke a spliff between three people and are retarded. So when you smoke a fat blunt and you can tell someone's brain is melted, it's awkward. I mean we all get too high every now and then. But you know the guy, he either becomes won't shut up guy; or even sketchier, he becomes "too high to talk guy".

my #4: Thinks he's a weed scientist guy. Alright, people know varying amounts of information about weed. But some people think that while they are smoking, they need to divulge everything they know about weed, it's enough to make you want to kill them before their next hit. It's especially annoying when you are all having a casual conversation about weed and someone makes it annoyingly scientific. It's like okay fucking weed doctor, we're just smoking a blunt, so shut the fuck up.

So Coed Magazine, your list was okay, but you guys need to get high more. I bet the writer of that articles fit into one of the categories he says not to smoke with. Pussy.

Hangover II

From the Hollywood Reporter:
Todd PhillipsThe Hangover Part II got off to a rip-roaring start in midnight shows, grossing a whopping $10.4 million from roughly 2,600 theaters for Warner Bros. and Legendary Pictures.
Today, the raunchy comedy moves into a total of 3,615 theaters, the widest opening ever for an R-rated title.
Hangover II is expected to be the first movie of 2011 to cross the $100 million mark in its domestic debut. It’s got the advantage of a five-day opening because of the long Memorial Day weekend, coupled by going out on Thursday.

Here's a review of the movie.

I'm pretty confident saying that I think the Hangover II will be the highest grossing film of 2011. The first one was crazy and funny as hell, and the trailers of the second one look even crazier. All the controversy over the Mike Tyson tattoo only helped the movie.

I'm seeing it this weekend along with everyone else in the free world who wasn't free at midnight last night.

Prank of the Week

Does anything suck more than waking up to your alarm in the morning? Rolling over to punch it and getting tased is definitely on that list. Great prank by clearly great friends, turning morning shittiness into internet gold.

This Clown Won American Idol?

This is why American Idol sucks. They pick the best singer. Has anyone ever heard of Kesha? Today's pop star isn;t necessarily a good singer, but they definitely do NOT look like this.

From Today.com:
After four months and ten million “in it to win it!” pronouncements from Randy Jackson, “American Idol” named Scotty McCreery as the winner of season 10. The 17-year-old topped fellow teenager Lauren Alaina in the finale, winning the most votes out of the 122 million-plus cast. 

American Idol is useless. How many fucking alums is this clown going to sell? Look at him. I mean I'm not attractive in any way but I didn't just get pronounced America's next big star.

Winning American Idol is like winning your high school's homecoming king. You beat out a bunch of talentless retards only to find that being homecoming king is shit. Then in ten years someone from TMZ snaps a photo of you sucking dick for crack in West Hollywood. Congrats Scot McCreery, you get a chance to flop an album now. Save your money kid, because there won't be a second album.

Peace to OKC

Last night Oklahoma City choked yet again, and the Dallas Mavericks are headed to the NBA Finals. Yet again, the Thunder were ahead going into the last five minutes, and yet again they choked something awful. Final score 100-96.

Dirk smash

It is just age versus experience. I think we are seeing in both series that experience beats youth. Thunder learned that lesson the hard way, and so will the Bulls.

Now going into the Finals I think the Heat will be hard to beat. But with Dirk, who knows how the Mavs will play. I hope they put up a fight at least. I want to see a sick 7-game Finals series.

All I know is I fucking hate Lebron James. And the Mavs better beat the fucking Heat.

As for Oklahoma City, they played well. Durant and Westbrook are beasts and with a few adjustments, that team will be ready to go back to the playoffs next year.

Google is Beast

Now Google wants you to be able to use your phone to make purchases, so they can sell more of your info to advertisers.

From Huffington Post:
NEW YORK -- Google is poised to announce a new cellphone-based payment system that would enable the Internet giant to tap into a new treasure trove of personal data and allow the company to do what it does best: sell ads.

Google will reportedly unveil smartphones equipped with near-field communication (NFC) technology that enables shoppers to pay for purchases by waving their phones over scanners at retailers' registers.
Building a 'digital wallet' will help Google grow its advertising business by collecting even more valuable data about its users, which it can in turn leverage to attract retailers eager to learn more about their customers.

Call me crazy but wouldn't this just make stealing peoples' phones mean you have their wallet also? Just snag someone's iPhone and boom, instant credit. Sounds dangerous to me. Fucking Google is taking over the entire world, one person's personal information at a time. And they are making an unheard of amount of cash already on our info, now it's only going to get worse.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Ronnie Beats the Situation

From TMZ:
Ronnie and The Situation got into a MAJOR fist fight with each other last night in Italy ... TMZ has learned -- and based on the post-brawl pictures ... the Sitch got his ass kicked.

Ronnie and Situation Fight
The two arrived separately back to their apartment hours ago -- Situation has red marks covering his face around his left eye. Ronnie's knuckles were torn up and bleeding.

Details around the fight are still unclear -- but big surprise ... we're told it all began with a blowout between Ronnie and Sammi.

I fucking love it. Nothing better while Italians are up in arms about how trashy the Jersey Shore people are than Ronnie beating the shit out of the Situation. MTV better not edit it when it airs on TV. I want to see the Situation cry for his mommy.

Season in Review: South Park

Tonight is a new South Park. And I was talking about the season so far with one of my boys and thought it was worth thinking about.

Season 15 is the last season the creators of South Park have contracted with Comedy Central. Much like athletes, I expected them to be bringing out all the stops during a contract year. Basically because they want to get a new contract at Comedy Central or elsewhere. So far the season has been so-so.

Episode #1: Human CentiPad. Fucking great first episode. Making fun of Apple, an insane dutch movie, and tossing in a little Cartman going apeshit. Perfect way to get us back into South Park. The only thing about the episode that may have missed with some people was the reference to the movie Human Centipede. If you haven't heard of it or seen it, the episode wasn't as ridiculous as it was to losers like me who have seen that fucked-up movie.

Episode #2: Funnybot. Besides making fun of Tyler Perry, this episode kind of missed with me. Germans are ridiculous, but not enough to base a whole episode on.

Episode #3: Royal Pudding. Ripping on the royal wedding, I love it. An Ike and Canada episode. Good, but not that funny.

Episode #4: TMI. Of course all the angry dudes in the world have small dicks. The episode was pretty fucking funny. Comparing Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife Mariah Shriver to Skeletor? Fucking genius.

Oh hey Skeletor
This episode focuses on the two funniest characters in South Park. Cartman, and his small-dick anger. And Randy Marsh, and his dick-size math algorithm. And the scene where the psychologist rips on Cartman is classic. "You like that shitty titty jelly-belly?"

Episode #5 Crack Baby Athletic Association. Tonight's episode will undoubtedly focus on making fun of the NBA perhaps? here's a preview.

Overall this season has had ups and downs. There are sure to be some hilarious episodes to come, and a few flops. But even bad episodes of South Park are better than 99% of shows on TV. Besides Always Sunny and Workaholics.

Humpday Hotty: Audrina Patridge

Jesus christ, I almost forgot about the Humpday Hotty. Fear not, beat reader, I am here. And so is Audrina Patridge. From the OC to the Hills, and now she has her own piece of shit show. Whatever. She is sexy.

Call of Duty Trailer

Saw the Modern Warfare 3 Trailer just now. It looks pretty sick. Ill graphics and crazy WW 3 type shit. If anyone will play single player anyway.

Cowboys and Aliens

I don't care what anyone says. I want to see Cowboys and Aliens. Daniel Craig, Olivia Wilde and Harrison Ford? Motherfucking sold.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Engaged

So the ass to end all asses is engaged to a New Jersey Net.

From the New York Post:
LOS ANGELES -- Kim Kardashian is engaged to her boyfriend of six months, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, according to a new report.

The reality star said she walked into her Beverly Hills home May 18 to find Humphries waiting in her bedroom on bended knee with four words written in red rose petals on a white rug, "Will you marry me?"
"I didn't expect this at all," Kardashian, 30, told People magazine. "I was in such shock. I never thought it would happen at home, and I never thought now."

Humphries, 26, presented her with a custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond ring. TMZ.com reported that it's worth $2 million.

Best thing to happen to the Nets ever
 So the engagement ring Humphries gave Kim was worth $2 million. He is only making 3.2 mil in 2011. What the fuck? Did she buy her own engagement ring? Way to be a man Humphries. He probably put that shit on his Amex black card. Good luck making payments on that bitch during a lockout.

It's pretty funny especially because I give this engagement 2 months. There is no shot these two make it to the altar. The ass of asses marrying a scrubby NFL loser? No way. Reggie will interrupt the service with a samurai sword or something.

This guy, really?

I mean at least Chloe picked Lamar Odum. The Lakers might suck balls, but dude has rings, and he is damn good. What the fuck does Humphries have? Nothing.

Apple Sucks

From the Huffington Post:
Apple acknowledged in a statement that Mac Defender malware, a phishing scam that tries to trick users into giving their credit card information, could have affected between 60,000 and 125,000 users. The company posted a new support document providing users with information as to how the malware can be identified and removed and noted that Apple will also issue a Mac OS X update to resolve the issue. 

"A recent phishing scam has targeted Mac users by redirecting them from legitimate websites to fake websites which tell them that their computer is infected with a virus," the press release from Apple said. "The user is then offered Mac Defender "anti-virus" software to solve the issue. This "anti-virus" software is malware (i.e. malicious software). Its ultimate goal is to get the user's credit card information which may be used for fraudulent purposes."

Apple also provided step-by-step instructions on how to avoid or remove the malware, and promised a software update in the next few days.

"In the coming days, Apple will deliver a Mac OS X software update that will automatically find and remove Mac Defender malware and its known variants," the document said. "The update will also help protect users by providing an explicit warning if they download this malware."

Apple's release comes shortly after the Mac Defender malware issue first started to spike. At the time, the company told support staff not to help customers who came to them with the malware, or even to admit to the existence of such malware. 

Fuck you Mac users. "Mac's don't get viruses blah blah blah." Any idiot who knows how to work a computer can keep a PC clean too douchebags. And the most notable thing about this article was that at first Apple didn't even want to admit that there was malware targeting Macs.

That is the problem with Apple. That company is so concerned with their fucking "no virus" image that you are sitting at your computer while a program takes your credit card numbers and call Apple support for them to say "Mac's don't get viruses." That's real fucking good customer service.

Look, when you buy a Mac, you pay upwards of two grand no matter what. For that price you better not have to deal with viruses. But the fact is people are going to start to develop malware for Macs. Steve Jobs has conditioned Mac users to think they are indestructable. Wrong. And they won't even admit when the malware comes out. Jesus they suck.

And Boom Go the Bulls

They gave it their best shot. The Bulls had Miami on the ropes going into the fourth quarter. With eight seconds left Derrick Rose just had to burn Lebron and take it to the rack for a bucket or foul. Instead he opted to pull back for a jumper over King James. Stupid fucking choice.

Not Mr. Clutch

Two games ago everyone was calling Rose the best player in the league, well trying to shoot a jump shot when you've been shooting shitty all night AND it has to be over Lebron, that's just stupid basketball.

Now D Rose is still very young, it is hard for young players to carry a team and make clutch shots down the stretch. But he is the only one on that team that could do it, so he has to be smarter. He will get it down in a few years, but for now the Heat are too much for the Bulls. I hope the Western Conference winner actually can put up a fight.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Swearing in the NBA

Alright so now everyone is talking about the $50,000 fine on Joakim Noah for saying "Faggot" to a fan and if it was enough.

From ESPN:
Just weeks after Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for yelling an anti-gay slur at an NBA official, Joakim Noah yelled a similar insult at a fan and was hit with a $50,000 fine.

Look, sports stadiums and arenas are full of three things; Testosterone, emotions, and beer. Fans rip players all the time. If you have ever been to a playoff game at places like Madison Square Garden in NYC or TD Bank in Boston, you know. Everyone has payed so much to get the fucking ticket that they try to make it worthwhile, drinking and heckling.

So some drunk dude yelled something bad at Joakim Noah, why can't Noah yell back? I realize it looks bad for the NBA, but it's not like the fan was upset. He probably said something so foul that faggot was like using "idiot!" as a comeback. So who cares. Players talk shit to each other, fans talk shit to each other, that's sports.

I don't know why this is such a big deal. I would probably hop the bench if Joakim Noah called me a faggot though. I'd try to pop him in the face quick before I got shanked by Carlos Boozer.

We Dodged a Bullet Today

This is a great day for America. We dodged a real bullet today...

From TMZ:
It was a meeting of the A-list celebuspawn as Michael Jackson's three kids (Paris, Prince and Blanket) hung out with Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith's children, Willow and Jaden Smith, on an L.A. film set the other day.


The Jackson kids arrived to the set with their grandmother, Katherine Jackson. So far, it's unclear if the kids were on the set to act ... or just to hang out with the Smiths.

As we previously reported, the Jackson kids have expressed a serious interest in Hollywood -- earlier this year, Prince told "Good Morning America" he was "looking at a couple of opportunities in show business ... mostly producing."

First of all, who is the white dude on the left?

Anyway today America is lucky. Al Qaeda warned there would be consequences of us killing Bin Laden, and we are lucky it didn't happen today on an L.A. film set.

Killing the Fresh Prince's kids AND Michael Jackson's kids in one swoop? The economy would grind to a screeching halt, no one would remember how to whip their hair back and forth. We wouldn't have any more Karate Kid remakes. The heart of America would explode and we would revert to cave men.

Everyone can sleep easy tonight knowing that this epic conference of 12-year-old billionaires, I know I will.

But I can see the movie now. Will Smith's kids killed by terrorist. Will Smith takes on entire Middle East alone. Some kind of Bad Boys tie-in.Smith saves the day, and macks the honies on the side.

Cha Ching.

Monday, May 23, 2011


I hate when people call soccer players pussies. Try running full sprint and have someone slide-tackle you from behind. Or get kicked in the face and get your dome cracked off the turf all within two seconds.

Yeah, soccer players are pussies. Only a loser can't take a cleat to the face and dome-smashing off the field.

Ray Lewis Will Turn to Crime During Lockout

You can always count on Ray Lewis for some awesome sound clips. In a recent interview with Sal Pal at ESPN, the Ravens linebacker slipped in a quote about how the lockout will cause crime to increase.

I think this is Rays way of saying he will be so pent up without being able to crush quarterbacks that he will have to go back to stabbing people for fun. But god I love his interviews. For some reason when Ray Lewis says that not having football will increase crime, I believe it.

Zach Galifianakis and Bill Maher

So everyone was all about it when Zach Galifianakis smoked a "fake" (doubt it) joint on Real Time with Bill Maher. Well in a recent episode of Real Time Zach came back, and Bill upped the stakes.

I don't think I like taking the drug on the air bit too far. I mean I think by pretending to do heroin they are basically admitting that smoking the joint was fake as well. I was still holding onto the hope that Maher has enough balls to allow real weed to be smoked on set. But now I just think they were both fake. And that is stupid.

Joakim Noah Says Faggot: Chaos Ensues

So last night the Chicago Bulls got whooped upside the fucking head by the Miami Heat. And Joakim Noah was god awful. So of course he is heated and someone in the crowd said something to him when he went tot he bench in the first quarter. And so a camera caught Noah turning to the fan and essentially calling him a fucking faggot. Just like the whole Kobe thing.

Doug Stewart hit it on the fucking head when he talks about athletes swearing like sailors. Of course, anyone who has played sports knows everyone is fucking hyped and swearing and shit. And how does it being a fan make it more severe than Kobe yelling at a ref? A referee is a person players are supposed so respect, a fan just buys tickets.

And also hasn't everyone seen the South Park that addresses the word "fag"? I mean clearly fag has changed meanings from a word insulting gays to just talking about someone who fucking annoys the hell out of you. It's just how it is these days. The word has changed meanings.

All I know is if Noah gets suspended, the Bulls are going to be even worse off for the rest of the series. They already have an uphill battle.

Hangover II: Fucked by Tattoo?

Alright everyone has seen the trailer for the Hangover II. The most noticeable part of it is that Ed Helms' character wakes up with that weird Mike Tyson tattoo on his face. Well, now the tattoo artist who did the tat for Tyson is suing Warner Bros. for copyright infringement.

From The Hollywood Reporter:
The battle between Warner Bros and Mike Tyson's tattoo artist is heating up. On Friday, the studio told a judge why S. Victor Whitmill, who is suing over a copyrighted tattoo on Ed Helms' face in Hangover Part II, shouldn't be able to stop distribution of the film. The highly anticipated sequel is scheduled to be released this week ,so a decision should be forthcoming soon.

In its brief, Warner Bros. says Whitmill will not be able to succeed on the merits of his claims that Hangover II constitutes copyright infringement of what the he calls "one of the most distinctive tattoos in the nation."

"The very copyrightability of tattoos is a novel issue," says the Warner Bros. brief. "There is no legal precedent for Plaintiff's radical claim that he is entitled, under the Copyright Act, to control the use of a tattoo that he created on the face of another human being."

Warner Bros. says that Tyson's tattoo is ubiquitous and that he appeared in the first Hangover movie without objection from Whitmill.

So now Warner Bros has to beg a judge to not stop the releases of the Hangover II. People have tickets, copies are out to theaters, shit is on the move. When I first heard that this dude was suing about the tattoo I didn't take it seriously. I mean tattoos are art. And someone's art is their intellectual property. However with tattoos there are so many people who have basically the same one. Sow hat the fuck can you do?

And the hearing scheduled for today is going to be in Missouri. I hope this Whitmill guy just gets hit with a tornado and disappears. No more lawsuit, hilarious movie comes out unimpeded. We all win.

Missouri Got F'ed in the A

 So Missouri just got boned. By a tornado. I'm not talking a pussy 3 dead type thing. We are talking 89 people found dead so far. Crazy amounts of destruction.

From the NY Post:
JOPLIN, Mo. — A massive tornado that tore a 6-mile path across southwestern Missouri killed at least 89 people as it slammed into the city of Joplin, ripping into a hospital, crushing cars like soda cans and leaving a forest of splintered tree trunks behind where entire neighborhoods once stood.
Authorities warned that the death toll could climb as search and rescuers continued their work. Their task was made more miserable Monday morning as a thunderstorm with strong, gusty winds and heavy rain pelted part of the city with quarter-size hail.

I know this shit doesn't happen all the time. But fuck living in a place near tornado alley.

Alright this video sucks but listen to the audio. It is from a group of people in Joplin when the tornado hit. It is eerie.

That shit is crazy.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Some Real Life GTA To End Your Week

Your Friday was tough, I know. This guy took Friday to the next level by stealing a cop car and taking it for a joyride. And then crashing like a moron.

First of all, who the fuck gets pulled over and is instantly ready to throw hands with the cops? Dude must have had meth in the dash or something. This guy is obviously a fucking champ. That clicking you here right before the cop car takes off? That's a taser. Dude drove off while getting tased. Like a motherfucking boss. But the crash is pretty embarrassing. Like three seconds before it you see it coming "no don't cut that truck off on the left you fucking crackhead!" And boom. The glory is all over two minutes after it began.

That dude likes him some Grand Theft Auto.

Dudes Doing Yoga: Gay or No?

Alright I'm picking up yoga this year. But now that I'm actually seriously getting ready to get my chi on and shit, I've come up against some mental barriers. I need to get my flexibility on so I don't give a fuck, I'm going even if it is the worst thing ever.

Is Yoga gay?

I don't think yoga is actually gay, but are all the chicks in the fucking place going to think I'm a fruit sitting next to them trying to get my stretch on? I mean I'm sure most of the people who do yoga are gross old bags with one foot in the grave so who cares. But it's run through my mind.

The fuck?

Are dudes in Yoga creeps?

I'm not charming. Sometimes in public I'm downright awkward. Mixing that with being the only dude in a yoga studio with a bunch of nubile chicks and I think I might come off as creepy. I have a girlfriend so I don't give a fuck what the bitches in the class think, but will they instantly think I'm a weirdo? I'm just worried about taking pepper spray in the face after I get my ass kicked in a class that is just doing weird contortions.

This one isn't even a question.

I will be the bitch of a class full of women.

I am about as flexible as a tree. Sometimes I feel like I'm 80. I can't do shit. So hopefully yoga will make me not suck as bad. But in the mean time I'm going to get straight ass raped by that class. I'll end up in remedial yoga learning to sit Indian-style all over again like fucking third grade.

Where Are the Writers Out There?

Alright. I need writers. If you are a loser like me and have extra time during the day that you want to dedicate to writing about things no one will read and no one cares about, you should shoot me an email. Even if you are just passionate about one thing and want to rant about it, I could do something with that. Or if you want to cover a certain sport or topic or whatever. Just be funny.

email me at beatblathering@gmail.com. I'm trying to grow this one man show. Oh and if you are a Yankees fan, you aren't writing about the Yankees so go fuck yourselves.

Westbrook Benched: Who Cares

ESPN has been hammering this story all day. Sports Center, the radio guys, everyone. Dude, it's not a big deal. The Oklahoma City bench was playing lights out, Westbrook was benched for the 4th quarter to stay with the lineup that was playing balls out. It was fine. He's not good enough for everyone to be so shocked. I'm sick of it.

I think since this is the only time of year people care about the NBA the media just digs for stories. This was worth a mention, but not a full fucking day of coverage jesus. Didn't anything else happen yesterday in sports?

This Kid Has Fucking Moves

See if you can find the winner in this video. Hint: it isn't the shitty little girl singing.

That is a Warlock Winner in the fucking making. Who cares if the chick singing sucks, just start busting out moves like Michael Jackson when he was still black. I guarantee Usher picks that kid up and makes him bigger than Beiber.

Sign Me Up for Boutaoshi!

So there is a new sport in Japan that looks like a ton of fun. It's like some perverted form of rugby.

One team (with like 100 people per team by my count) sorrounds a pole. They put on guy up top on the pole and three guys below to guard it. Then the other team attacks them and tries to get the other teams pole guy down and get one of their one people on the pole. Jesus sounds like Monday nights at Night Moves.

Tell me that doesn't look like fucking fun. Get a whole bunch of guys together, get drunk, and fight. Oh and try to climb a pole while dudes are kicking and jumping and doing all sorts of shit. Craziness, I fucking love it. Let's bring this shit to America people.

Oh and I can't tell, but I think the defense won that round. Who the fuck cares, it's all about the fighting anyway.

The Death of the Book

Well it's finally happened, the e-book is taking over the book. It's been in works for many years now, and then battle will probably last forever. Hopefully the old paperback can hold out.

From NY Times:
Since April 1, Amazon sold 105 books for its Kindle e-reader for every 100 hardcover and paperback books, including books without Kindle versions and excluding free e-books. 

“We had high hopes that this would happen eventually, but we never imagined it would happen this quickly,” said Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s chief executive, in a statement. “We’ve been selling print books for 15 years and Kindle books for less than four years.” 

But people should not exile their bookshelves to storage quite yet, many analysts warned. Over all, e-books account for only about 14 percent of all general consumer fiction and nonfiction books sold, according to Forrester Research. 

“E-book reading is a big deal and it’s going to continue to be even bigger,” said James L. McQuivey, a digital media analyst at Forrester. “But we are not to the point where e-books are a majority of unit sales and certainly not a majority of revenue.” 

I don't know about you, but I like books. I'm an English major so obviously I'm more of a reading nerd than most. But there is something just satisfying about cracking open a book and digging in. And I can't read for shit on a little Kindle screen.

Kindle: $114

Eyes: Free

Think about it this way. If you have a bunch of books downloaded to a Kindle and your it breaks, what happens? I'm sure you get to keep your e-books. But what hoops do you have to jump through to get them back? And if you invest in a Kindle and buy a shit-ton of e-books for it, then you are stuck. If you break it, you have to buy another one to read your e-books right? It just seems like they are selling you a $100 device just to read books (if you remember five years ago we did it the old fashioned way), oh wait, that is exactly what they are doing.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Movie Review: Fast Five

Alright I literally just came out of the matinee showing of Fast Five. Haters can just move on right now because if you don't respect the Fast and the Furious series for giving exactly what they promise, you are an idiot.

Fast and the Furious is about:

Fast cars
Hot chicks
Vin Diesel

And that's exactly what Fast Five delivers. Non-stop action and explosions and cars and guns. And sprinkled in are some hot chicks. And what could be better than Vin Diesel in a hand-t-hand battle with the Rock? They have cars flying into trains, gun fights in Rio's slums. All kinds of shit. If you are a fan of Fast and the Furious, this shit will be just what you wanted it to be. If you are a hater, go see Bridesmaids.Fucking tool.

Yeah the story is a little thin and some of the stunts are exaggerated. But you have to expect that. Overall a real cool movie that doesn't try to be more than what it is. Gun shots and Vin Deisel's shiny dome.

Titanic Goes 3D

So Titanic was one of James Cameron's biggest films. So why not try to milk it for some more dough? Well, Cameron is doing just that, re-releasing the movie in 3D in 2012.

From the Hollywood Reporter:
Titanic is sailing back into theaters around the world April 6, 2012.
James Cameron's movie is getting rereleased in 3D via Paramount Pictures, 20th Century Fox and Lightstorm Entertainment.

The date was chosen to coincide with the 100th anniversary of the ship setting sail (April 10).
The 3D conversion is being overseen by Cameron -- who wrote, directed and produced the movie -- and his Lightstorm producing partner Jon Landau, who also produced.

The release date also coincides with the 100th anniversary of Fox Filmed Entertainment starting up. Alright first of all, I understand how many fucking people loved Titanic. I do. Before Avatar came out, Titanic was the #1 Box Office grossing movie in the US at $600,788,188. That is serious cash. No wonder Fox has a hard-on for trying to make some more money off the film.

Look, I'm not saying 3D is a bad thing. Tron in 3D was fucking sick. But Tron is a 3D type movie. High tech gadgets and wild alien landscapes with crazy special effects. What is going to be 3D in Titanic? When Leo is drawing Kate Winslet's tits they pop off the screen at you? I just don't think this movie will be changed much in 3D. But I see you Fox, trying to add to that 600mil.

Florida Pissed at Jersey Shore

So right now they are filming the Jersey Shore season in Italy. The University of Florida has issued a warning to it's study abroad students, who apparently have been on camera partying with the Shore cast.

From TMZ:
Officials running a study abroad program in Italy are FURIOUS over rumblings that one of their students partied ON CAMERA with the "Jersey Shore" crew ... and now the school has issued an ultimatum -- stay away from the guidos or be expelled from the program!


The University of Florida sent out an email to students participating in their study abroad program in Italy -- which states "any student who does agree to participate in the filming of the show, or who signs a waiver or legal agreement of any sort with MTV, will be dismissed from the program immediately."

TMZ obtained the email -- warning the students that any action deemed potentially embarrassing to the school "will not be tolerated."

The school has also threatened to contact the student's parental units to inform them why the school would be kicking them to the curb. 

Alright Florida way to be douchebags. I mean if you are studying abroad in Italy and you go into a bar and the Jersey Shore guys are filming, why wouldn't you try to be on camera? I'm sure everyone in the club is trying to get a face shot. You know those banging sluts from U of F were DTF like nobodies business.

The funny thing about this is how hated the Jersey Shore is by establishments run by old people. I bet if fucking Jeopardy wanted a kid from Florida they'd be all over that like white-on-rice. But just because the show is about getting fucked up and banging chicks you can't be seen anywhere near the cast. And this really sucks for the students because you know the clubs and bars are throwing banging Jersey Shore nights to fill the club on nights Vinny and Pauly are stopping in. So now they get to miss out on all the fun in Italy.

I wouldn't mind this if U of F wasn't top 10 party schools in the country. But god forbid you party abroad.

This shit is okay right at the University, just don't let the Italians know you are drunken morons.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Rappers and Blow

Well we all know rappers brag about being rich and smuggling cocaine and shit. Well, it looks like the person doing the moving is their managers.

From the Smoking Gun:
MAY 17--The Drug Enforcement Administration probe that has ensnared a well-known rap music manager is focusing on the shipment of kilos of cocaine from Los Angeles to New York by a narcotics ring that stashed the drug in “road cases” delivered to recording studios, The Smoking Gun has learned.

Payment for the cocaine was sent back to the West Coast in vacuum-sealed packages that were coated with mustard, the pungent smell of which was intended to conceal from drug-sniffing dogs the scent of narcotics on the currency.

To date, the ongoing investigation--which is being overseen by prosecutors in the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Brooklyn--has resulted in felony charges against about six defendants, several of whom are connected to the rap music industry.

Additionally, an arrest warrant has been issued for James Rosemond, the manager who represents the L.A. rapper The Game. The 46-year-old Rosemond, a convicted felon with a lengthy rap sheet, is pictured in the [right] mug shot.

In addition to representing The Game (real name: Jayceon Taylor), Rosemond’s Czar Entertainment web site lists Mike Tyson and singer Sean Kingston as clients. His “affiliated artist” roster--whatever that is--includes gangster rapper Rick Ross, R&B singer Akon, and former Haitian presidential candidate Wyclef Jean. In fact, Rosemond was traveling with Jean in Port-au-Prince in March when the performer was reportedly “shot.”

Well I for one am surprised. I mean Rick Ross talks about being rich on cocaine and shit but don't we all just accept that he is full of shit? And then some dude who is boys with Wycelf Jean gets busted for kilos of blow? Damn, Wyclef is hood.

Making Us All Look Bad

Dude. This guy is making all dudes look like fucking chumps.

Here's the scoop. This guy wants to propose to his finacee. What does he do? He makes a movie trailer and schemes to get her to a movie. In the middle of some previews BOOM! That just happened. This guys is a champion among men.

Don't accuse me of not being down with cute, touching shit. How can she say no to this? It's got a touching moment, and comedy mixed in, like a fucking boss. Goddamn guys, this dude just crushed us all.

Fucking Tiger Makes Careers

From the NY Post:
Former Tiger Woods alpha mistress Rachel Uchitel will yet again be in front of the camera -- this time being trailed for a reality series on her new career as a private investigator. 

Uchitel, 36, has a deal for a docudrama based on her life with Atlas Media Group, which produces documentaries and films including "Meat Loaf: In Search of Paradise," Discovery's "Alien Abduction" and "Who Killed Chandra Levy?" 

The former VIP nightclub hostess-turned- PI told us she's been approached by several production companies and reality shows in the past few months since she appeared on "Celebrity Rehab." She wouldn't name specific shows, but sources said one included Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New York City." Bravo had no comment.

From fucking Tiger to Private Investigator?

Alright, this chick is just trying to prove that star-fuckers can make it in Hollywood. A reality show about her being a PI? Really? Does this chick look like she won't be getting information from sucking dick? I think her "private investigating" will involve getting people to admit to whatever she is hired to find out after fucking them like a teenie-bopper on ecstasy. Whatever gets you are 15 minutes whorebag.

Black People Just Got Set Back 50 Years

I'm sure this is what Martin Luther King Jr. had in mind with his "I Have a Dream" Speech. Jesus man, I'm white and I'm embarrassed for black people after watching 30 seconds of this.

I don't even know what to say. I feel like this is something Al Sharpton should be heated about. I'll be surprised if Mr. Ghetto isn't hit in a drive-by in the next week.

And what's Wal Mart's angle on this thing? Did they set it up? Or are they as embarrassed as the NAACP right now? It's hard to say, because everyone knows Wal Mart has no soul and only likes to take poor peoples' monies. Maybe they are trying to trick people into going to Wal Mart to look for chicks with ridiculous asses in the aisles, and on the way out cop a TV.

2 Tractor Trailers, 513 People

From CNN:
Mexico City (CNN) -- Mexican authorities said they found and detained more than 500 illegal immigrants from Central America and Asia who were crammed inside two tractor-trailers heading toward the United States on Tuesday.
X-ray equipment detected the immigrants at checkpoints in the southern state of Chiapas, the state attorney general's office said. The drivers of both trucks sped away after authorities ordered them to stop, but police apprehended them nearby.
Inside the tractor-trailers, they found 513 people from El Salvador, Ecuador, China, Japan, Guatemala, India, Nepal, Honduras and the Dominican Republic.
Each of them had paid $7,000 to travel to the United States, the attorney general said.

They had been traveling in "inhumane conditions," Mexico's National Migration Institute said.

Alright this article isn't anything new. But it cracked me the fuck up. So Mexican cops find 2 tractor trailers with 513 motherfuckers in them and then the National Migration Institute says they are traveling in "inhumane conditions". No fucking shit. There were 250+ people in a tractor trailer. Of course it was inhumane. Answer me this, if you are the guy farthest from the door of the tractor trailer and you have to piss, do you just go and hope no one notices? I'm sure it doesn't already reek with hundreds of people pissing everywhere. And taking a dookie? Forget about it.

Can you imagine the desperation of these people? Think about it. You are from X (third world country) and you pay someone who is most likely the sketchiest person you have ever met $7,000 to take you to America. He tells you to hop in a trailer, with 249 of your closest friends. Then, you ride from Mexico all the way up to the border, where you all pray to sweet Jesus that  you didn't pay that money just to get stopped at the border. And then if you get to America you work a piece of shit menial job and hope to save enough to bring your family here. Sounds horrible.

then think about this. The sketchy guy you pay to bring you to America is unskilled and you get stopped in Mexico. You don't even get to sniff a gringo. That sucks balls. To add insult to injury you were up to your knees in shit and piss in the trailer and to avoid starving you ate the Guatemalen kid who was next to you.

Humpday Hotty: AnnaLynne McCord

She was that crazy fucking psycho bitch on Nip/Tuck. She was also in Day of the Dead. She hasn't been in shit I care about since. But she is sexy as hell. Here's AnnaLynne McCord.

Got Dirk?

Dirk Nowitzki was on fire last night, to say the least. He put up 48 big points in game 1 versus the Thunder.

From ESPN:

DALLAS -- Serge Ibaka stood right up to Dirk Nowitzki, stretching his 7-foot-4 wingspan to make the view of the basket as tough as possible.
And it hardly mattered.

Wherever he went, whoever he was up against, Nowitzki either nailed a shot or made his way to the foul line. He hit 10 of his first 11 shots from the field and an NBA playoff-record 24 straight free throws on the way to 48 points, leading the Dallas Mavericks to a 121-112 victory over the Oklahoma City Thunder in Game 1 of the Western Conference finals on Tuesday night.

This is a new Dirk we saw last night. No more soft as Pau Gasol type shit. He wants the fucking ring this year, and last night he proved it is within his power to throw his team on his back and grab it.

I mean I am with people who have been sleeping on Dirk. His back-court is old as fuck. He is a 7-footer who drops buckets with ease and hits his motherfucking foul shots. Last night he hit 24 for 24.

I hate to be this guy, but I think last night was a message from Dirk to the world. I like him to get his first ring this year.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Pedophile Tries to be a Cop

What makes a loser of the week? I'll tell you what. First, a pedophile. But Robert Williams goes above and beyond stupidity, by putting his love of children on his police application.

From the NY Daily News:
A man who was applying to become a police officer in San Diego was arrested after he admitted on his application that he liked kiddie porn.

Cops raided wannabe crime-buster Robert Williams' apartment and car, confiscating computer equipment after he answered "yes" to a series of questions about children and pornography, San Diego's KGTV television reported.

In one case, Williams wrote on his application that he'd had sexual contact with a child in the past. In another, Williams wrote that he had "viewed, purchased, sold or subscribed to child pornography," the station said.

Okay, this guy had to have been high or something right. Are you fucking kidding me guy? I'd be afraid to mention anything potentially illegal on a cop application, fully disclosing your pedophilia to the police is over the top moronic. Loser of the fucking week.

Anatomy of a Trick Email

Alright so I opened up my email today and found a gem of a fake email. Not quite as good as those Nigerian princes who want you to send money, but at least it had a little bit of tact.

I'm very happy to meet you,
Compliments of the day!
How are you ? hope you are doing well, I am  malvina Justin, A lovely girl, I am looking for a reliable and trusted person. I believe we can get acquainted, so if it interests you, please reach me back here for further communications. I stop here awaiting your responds.
Please get back to me so that I will send my photo to you and tell you more about my self. A good friendship is the foundation build on other relative things to come.
May God bless you as I wait impatiently to read from you..
malvina Justin

Alright malvina, in America we capitalize of first name too for starters. Second, in America, Justin is really not a last name. I looked through my fucking dusty phone book, there were three Justin's. And if you meant it to be your first name, then you are a dude.

Also, does this shit ever work? I mean I think match.com and that type of shit is sketchy. So what are the chances I will want to get "acquainted" with someone who emails me. I mean of course I believe this person is "reliable and trusted" but you lost me with this gem, "A good friendship is the foundation build on other relative things to come." From what I can tell this is two sentences in one. But either way do I seem like the type of guy who tolerates morons? (This was in my blog email inbox)

And then malvina, you made the worst mistake of your clunky little email. "May God bless you as I wait impatiently to read from you..." Alright you fucking clown. Assuming that your random email recipients believe in god enough to include it makes me want to fly to Russia and kill you with my bare hands. And you are waiting impatiently to read from me? Bitch I'm blogging all day. Try plugging the Blathering with your Russian overseers. I need some press. The only two people who impatiently wait for me are my mother and my girlfriend. Nice try pawning your mail-order sluts off on me, Soviet Russia.

Trump is Out of the Race

So finally Donald Trump admitted that this whole run at the presidency was a publicity stunt basically.

From USA Today:
"I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half-heartedly," Trump said in a statement. "Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."

Trump became the second contender in three days to bow out of the race, a sign that the Republican field is finally beginning to take shape.
Jesus christ, finally the Trump meister is admitting that he can't handle politics. High-level business isn't the same as politics. You have to watch what you say and Trump is used to firing off his mouth because he's a billionaire. This election has me torn so far, but at least now I don't have to wonder if the Donald could run this country. I was seriously considering voting for him if he got a platform together. Oh well, go back to TV and being a rich fuck Trump. Imagine Melania as the first lady?

Hottest potential first lady ever
It was Obama's power move to interrupt the Apprentice for the "Obama is dead" parade that got to him. This ain't knocking down tenements in the Bronx for a skyscraper, Donald, this is hardball.