Anyone can leave comments on stories you read, let me know what you like and what you don't, this is a blog for the people. Use your power!

email me @ beatblathering@gmail.com

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

This is How All Ashes Should be Dealt With

So listen to this. You're old, or stupid, and anticipate imminent death. how do you want to be dealt with after you die? Burial, too stuffy. Cremation, okay kinda cool. But then what? Spread your ashes into the Atlantic? Too cheesey. Have your ashes pressed into a vinyl record of your favorite jams? YES PLEASE.

This is now my #2 thing to have done with my ashes, second only to Hunter S. Thompson's cannon to shoot my ashes into the ether.

Jerking to Body Scanner Images

Alright, you've all heard, shit maybe even some of you have firsthand experience with the new full body scanners in airports around the country. Well the inevitable has occurred. A security guard at an airport got caught masturbating as a team of high school girls rolled through the scanner.

You knew it was going to happen. The creepy guy who does airport security and has no life, has his prayers answered. He gets to work the full body image scanner. And oh wait, nubile young women are coming through? Recipe for disaster there. Ladies, I don't know what to say, would you rather get a pat down or know the guy working the scanner is beating to your image? I don't fucking know what to even think.

Mmm daddy likey

Astronauts are Beasts

So the first two of six astronauts have been selected for a simulation of a Mars type mission. They are going to simulate a 500 day mission to Mars by trapping six astronauts in a capsule in Russia for 18 months with no way out.

This is like some kind of joke opening: "So a French guy and a Colombian-Italian get locked into a box for a year and a half..." This is a deadly situation however. And they're going to toss in three Russians and a Chinaman? I smell sitcom. They are definitely going to go insane and eat the Frenchman. Go with Darwin gentlemen.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Why Havent I Had This?

Alcoholic whipped cream. Are you fucking kidding me? Combine this with Four Loko and I feel like we have reached the peak of efficient alcohol consumption.


Step One: Pour Four Loko into glass.
Step Two: Add Alcohol whipped cream.
Step Three: Hold on.

Now look, I already ehar people calling me a fag for thinking this is awesome. Dude, you can pour a beer or mixed drink, and top it in delicious ALCOHOL. You all are pussies for NOT trying it.

Tron Fever!

If you haven't seen the trailor for Tron: Legacy, you are missing out.

Now I know, it's going to bomb at the box office, but I could give a fuck, it looks sick. And now its got me playing the game again. Play some tron here, you can just play as a guest, you know you want to.

Restaurant Rant

Look, we've all worked in restaurants at one point in our life. Yes, every single fucking person has. So why do people feel the need to pull all kinds of douchebaggery in restaurants? And do all handymen moonlight as porn writers? What the fuck.

Anyway, so you know the guy, he comes into the restaurant. First off, he has four people on the busiest night of the year at 7:30 and when he is told he has to wait, he says he knows the owner, and why not? Every cocky asshole throws this card out there "Oh I know the owner, can you get him? And what's his name again?" Okay jerkoff, first the owner is in the back putting out pasta like the fucking flu vaccine for the two hundred people already fucking in here. Second, knowing the owner does not make a table come out of my ass.

So now it is 7:42 and the "asshole" as we'll call him, has pissed of the hostess in twelve minutes. The owner was asked to come out, to which he replied "Are you fucking kidding me?" and hit the busboy in the face with a scalding pan.

7:50 Finally the asshole's party is sat. Immediately he asks many questions, not noticing the server has a section of about one hundred other people, all of them also bitching. He looks over your extensive wine list, and finds nothing expensive enough, then proceeds to order a Sam Adam's, the wife will have a vodka martini. He seems unconcerned as he asks if he can get the sauce from the chicken special with his fillet, which he wants black and blue, and he wants it on the side. His wife orders and mentions that'd she would rather have spagetti instead of penne pasta. The menu says "no changes" but her husband is coked up and looks at you like he might actually attack you if you don't allow his precious her spagetti. You say it's not a problem. The head chef rips you a new butthole for even thinking spagetti could be served instead of penne.

8:10 you now have maybe three minutes to take care of every other table in your section besides the assholes.

8:12 a shrill cry rolls out from the asshole's table. His wife has gotten a cosmopolitan instead of her vodka martini. you realize that there is no tip coming, and he will probably try a dine and dash. You contemplate going into the kitchen and boiling your head in the pasta pot.

8:20 The salads have come out to asshole's table. He is displeased with how much dressing he has received. And the bread that came to his table wasn't skin scalding hot, he is angry. You return with more dressing and fire hazard bread and run away as fast as possible. Other tables around the asshole table have already become understanding as they see you at the waiter's stand trying to fit a gun barrel into your mouth.

8:50 The asshole's food comes out. You explain that the wait was due to the fact that the restaurant is filled with more people than Pamela Anderson's vagina. He cuts his steak, the temperature is wrong. He lectures you about the nuance between medium and medium rare, he wants the latter, and does not care that this request means a whole new steak must be made. He will wait.

You notice that the busboy has not come back to the table, when you find him doing whip-its out of whipped cream in the freezer he explains that the asshole said a real busboy can carry everything from the table with one hand. He then called the busboy a faggot. The busboy realizes he may actually be a faggot, and is now having a life-crisis. The other busperson is a female. You are not sure how to describe this mess, but "fucked" almost works.

9:15 The asshole is visibly angry, he gets his medium rare steak. Momentarily free as he is shoveling beef into his mouth like Sasha Grey, you evacuate the table. It's cigarette time.

9:18 The asshole seems to have cleaned his plate. Literally, you think this dish could skip the dishwasher. But he claims his meal was horrible and he hates you and the busboy is a faggot and he can't get it up anymore without Viagra and he's out of blow so fuckyoubuddy.

9:18 You offer a free dessert for his trouble, he grunts. He asks if you have cappuccino, you don't. Apparently it is the only after-dinner drink he will have. As you go to run he turns to nearby tables to ask if they think this place is an immigrant shithole like he does, they are frightened.

9:20 You get asshole his free dessert and drop the check. You are no longer even aware of his speaking, the light at the end of the tunnel is there, you are almost free.

9:25 Alas, the asshole went into the bathroom, found his secret desperation coke stash, and now he refutes the bill. You explain every charge and tell him he has had drinks taken off for the previous mistake and the dessert and steak were free. He grunts several times. You try not to pick up the oil bottle and crack it over his head. You tell him he has something on his face, it appears to be dried blood and cocaine, he wipes it off. Licking his finger as you retreat.

9:30 the asshole leaves, you pick up the bill, not only did he not tip you, but he rounded down. You will pay seventy seven cents of his bill. You are not sure how you will get this anger out of your body. You look down at your watch, your night is half over. And you see a couple come in, a lovely young woman in a sexy dress. And a man with a popped collar only describable as "asshole #2," you go out back, barter one of the kitchen staff for the gun they keep around, and blow your head off.

The idea for this came from Jonathan, but it goes out to everyone holding it down in a shitty restaurant job, dealing with the assholes of the world. Every night.

What The Fuck is Going on at Notre Dame?

Okay, so first Notre Dame is in the news a few weeks back for the dumbass football programming sending a kid up onto a scaffolding while there were 51 mile per hour wind gusts. Yeah, Notre Dame, I guess that's what Jesus would have wanted right? Fucking morons.

Now it comes out that a college freshman girl was assaulted by a ND football player and became so depressed she killed herself with an overdose of an anti-depressant. The player remains unpunished.

Notre Dame football is having a bounce-back year at 7-5 after beating the USC Trojans on Saturday. My question is this. Is this program worth destroying the reputation of your school? There are sexual abuse cover-ups and clear wrongdoing in the death of Declan Sullivan earlier. What the fuck is the matter with Notre Dame? In my mind it just justifies people being wary of schools with a religious overtone. Who else is better at covering up shit they don't want people to know? Churches, that's who.

Honestly, you aren't even a contending Football program anymore, so what the fuck? What good does getting tape on that day from the kid on the lift do? Maybe you win a game at USC who's just gotten through getting dismantled by the NCAA? This just proves to me why I don't want to give a cent to any religious organization, even the ones that are supposed to be teaching kids are just letting their shitty football players run rough-shot on freshman girls and putting poor AV kids up on ladders in hurricanes. You, Notre Dame, are fucking douchebags, and I hope that girl's family milks you guys for all that collection money. Child-molesting assholes.

And what does it say when I google "Pope Benedict" and the first line of the auto-fill adds "Nazi"? Are you shitting me Catholicism?

I'm Irish, and frankly Notre Dame makes me embarrassed to say so. Fucking cocksuckers.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving, NFL

 Happy Turkey Day Readers!
Okay so there are three NFL games today, and while they may not be close, at least they include interesting teams.

Game One: Pats vs Lions
You all know I'm biased in this game. But believe me when I say I really like the Lions. But it's a short week, and it might seem arrogant but sorry Detroit fans, you need the full week to prep for us, we probably won't need the full week to prepare for you. Now obviously one day of practice will make for a slow start for both teams probably. But I think the Pats have established their mission. It's Superbowl or bust. They beat Indy, they beat Pittsburgh, big AFC contenders. The Patriots are getting ready to play the Jets again, and these next weeks they have to really hit their stride to go all the way, and I think they will. Prediction: Patriots win

Game Two: Cowboys vs Saints
This will be hands down the best game of the day. Both teams have a lot to prove. The Cowboys are basically playing for pride. But the Saints have a lot at stake at well, they are still in a playoff race, and are trying to shed the picture of a broken down championship team. It could be ugly, it could be low scoring, and I hate to do it, but I'm taking the Boys. Prediction: Cowboys win

Kitna for the win? Believe it
The Night Game: Jets vs Bengals
I think this game could be close but the Jets could also roll the Bungles. I mean for the worst team in the NFL right now, this week, I'd choose the Bengals. Ocho and TO blow, don't care how good they've been in the past, them together is horrific. The Bengals defense is going to give it up as usual like a high school cheerleader. Let's put it this way, I'm starting Sanchez on my fantasy team. I think he's going to give Cincy the ole Dirty Sanchez. Prediction: Jets win

The Dirty One Conquers the Bungles
Enjoy your Thanksgiving people, remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. This includes eating and drinking. Don't be dumb like I usually am and be so stuffed by 5 that you have to drink red wine like it's Sideways to get a buzz on, then 9 rolls around and you're stuffed enough to puke, and somehow also shitfaced.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Alright this video is awesome. I've been laughing out loud on my floor for like five minutes. Don't hate. He is obviously taking it back to fifth grade and calling cutsies on the line at the border. Like fuck you red car guy, you're taking to long, some of us have an ounce of heroin in our rectums, MOVE.

Dude Doesn't Stop At Border Patrol - Watch more Funny Videos

The crazy thing about this is the guy rams into the car in front of him full speed. Doesn't seem shocked or injured and just hops out with his hands up. The good old fashioned "Well, in hindsight that was dumb" as the Border Patrol with fucking Rocket Launchers and AK-47's. He literally immediately tried the door handle, it's broken of fucking course, so he just hops out. Calm cool and idiotic. Love it.

Snoop is a Pimp

So apparently Prince Harry of England is hoping to book Snoop Dogg for his brothers soon-to-be 2011 engagement party. The party will be announcing Prince William's engagement to Kate Middleton. Sidenote, she is fucking slammin'. She isn't a slut though so this is the best I could do, I know I know what kind of porn peddler am I. Whatever.

So the point of the story is how ridiculous Snoop's rider is for 2010. For those who don't know, a rider is the list of demands in an artist's contract which must be met for them to perform. Three pages of Snoop's are here. Hit the next button for the other two pages of interest. Some of this shit is so funny. 50" TV, nice, Xbox 360, nice. But if you notice, he asks for 6 packs of regular Swisher Sweets, and then again the rider mentions 10 packs of regular Swishers, hilarious. The only thing worth mentioning twice. Swishers. What a pimp. 

Snoop likey Swishers

Look I love Snoop, but that last part of the last page on smoking gun is ridiculous. Traveling is stressful and the dressing room should have a laid-back atmosphere yadda yadda. I'm pretty sure you asked for 80 Swisher Sweets, relaxation should be a given. I mean Snoop is Snoop, but who would cave into this type of shit for like Justin Beiber? Not me. He'd get paid in quarters too. Douche.

But I'm sure if anyone can meet these demands, the motherfuckin' royal family can. I mean if I was Snoop I'd want to be knighted before I went on stage, and get some sort of crown or like shiny sword or a pimp cape or somethin' you know? He doesn't ask for much.

Derek Jeter

Dear National Sports Media,
Why must you continuously cover the Derek Jeter contract negotiation like it isn't going to end how we all know it will? Derek Jeter will sign with the Yankees, money might vary but he will make more than his market value, which I think is around 6mil a year. He'll probably triple that. But every time Cashman or Jeter's agent says something bold, it's all part of the game.

Here's something people sometimes ignore to just cover a story for no reason. Sports is a business. Business, like making money? The Yankees have to try and hardball Jeter because they know they have and will continue to overpay him. He is a Yankee icon, but for business purposes you can't look soft on negotiations. This season he's going to get number 3,000...in a Yank's jersey.

Like, come on man. Every fucking media outlet is going wild. The Yankees know what the fuck they're doing, they are the most successful team in baseball for a reason. What the fuck people, let's all relax and enjoy not talking about baseball for awhile. For the love of Darwin.

Hodge and everyoneelseintheworldwhoisfuckingsickofthisshit

Humpday Hotty: Miley Cyrus

Okay guys, yesterday Miley Cyrus turned eighteen. Yessir I said it. Aren't you glad you have me to keep you updated on celebrity jail-bait turning legal? Thank me later. And you know she's going to wanna spite daddy real quick. I give her a week before she's blowing coke off Tommy Lee's dong or something. Mark my words. Think about this though, Turning eighteen this year means Miley Cyrus was born in 1992, I'm just saying.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Lost Art of Bus Fighting

We all remember them, good old fashioned bus fights. No one wants to ride the bus, everyone's pissed. And this happens.

Skip to the one minute mark, that's when it gets good.

crazy fight on school bus - Watch more Funny  Videos

Hey ginger wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey. You aren't tough, don't try to push angry guy back, he's black, you're a ginger, he will smash you like he smashes this skinny dude. Back up. You'll get slugged like Big Ben.

Why do people feel like they need to break up fights anyway? These kids aren't heavyweights, someone's going to catch a flush punch to the jaw and it'll be over real quick after that, why stop it early? That solves nothing. Just makes these dudes look like pussies. But these guys show heart, getting held back by other people skinny guy is like a beast lunging at Mike Tyson guy. That's dedication. I bet his girl gave that dude an old fashioned, fucking shake weight's strike again.


Finally this daytime soap opera up in Minnesota is starting to end. Yesterday the Vikings finally fired coach Brad Childress after being embarrassed by the Packers 31-3. They didn't score a single point after the first quarter field goal. The Packers are good, but that's just embarrassing.

My question is why did it take this long for this to happen? A few weeks ago it came out that Brad Childress didn't even consult the owner before he fired Randy Moss. You don't have the spine to stand up to Brett Favre but you'll jump the owner and fire one of the best receivers to ever play the game? If he was my coach, he would have gone, Randy would have stayed. But finally they got it right.

So my next prediction is that this year will finally mark the end of Brett Favre's career. In the post game press conference he was speechless. And we all know that never happens. Ever. I bet after the Vikings go 5-11 he will finally be sick enough of this shit to call it a career. I'm calling it, there will be drama, he'll be on the fence, but he ain't coming back.
Happy Trails bitch

Kim Jong Il Getting Frisky

Jesus Christ, here we fucking go. North Korea keeps like a two million man army, because the only people who eat in North Korea are in the army. So what does South Korea do? Fucking shoot artillery into disputed waters off the coast of North Korea. Let's just stop here.

You are going to basically taunt your enemy to the north who has a massive standing army, and is led by a man who is an indisputable maniac?

 Of course the crazy assholes shot back, and instead of into water, actually at people, good call South Korea, now you look wicked tough. You fucked with the bull, and got the motherfucking slanty-eyed horns.

Good politics Seoul. Apparently this incident was the most serious since the Korean War. Heres the video of the aftermath, and no, they aren't running around screaming "ITS GODZIRRA!"

For all that smoke and shit, only two South Korean marines were killed. I think everyone over there needs to calm the fuck down. We have a bunch of soldiers in the DMZ on the border, and if the North gets pissed enough, they are just gunna swarm over the border and eat everything.

According to Wikipedia, The People's Republic of Korea has about 1,100,000 active troops, and 8,200,000 reserves, only Russia has more. South Korea has 8,000,0000 in reserves as well, but only 687,000 active. And that said if they get into full conflict these are the world's #2 and #3 largest standing armies in the world. The next closest has 5,000,000 reserves. So Dear South Korea, don't be a douchebag to a country whose leader thinks life is a game of LEGO's or some shit, prease.

You really wanna piss this asshole off?

Big Ben: Keep the Mouth Shut Next Time

Holy fuck, I can't believe I missed this story. During the Steelers Raiders game this weekend, Big Ben came up to Richard Seymour saying something that got him knocked the motherfuck out.

How that taste bitch? Seymour got ejected and fined $25,000 for the punch. But damn I can watch that all day. He probably said something about getting Seymour's sister in the bathroom, and got a fist sandwich in return.
I'd fuckin slug him too

People are talking about this incident as though the fine should be higher because unlike helmet-to-helmet hits, this is obviously not part of the game. I say that's stupid. Hitting someone in the head using your own body and head as a weapon is way more dangerous than punching a dude who is wearing a helmet. No contest, people get hit with a dirty hit get concussed, Big Ben just cried for a minute and was fine. It's hard to concuss someone through a helmet with a fist. Just calm down and enjoy Seymour accepting his Raider-hood by getting grimey. Awesome.

Does Richard Seymour have to duff a bitch?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Fuck Mondays

Alright I'm calling it right now. I'm a man of the people. And today ain't my day people. I got a lot of shit to do, no motivation to do it, plus I'm pissed at everything for no reason. Sounds awesome right? Yeah. Well, the only thing that seemed even remotely blog-worthy because it is the only thing that's made me happy all morning. Besides the Pat's highlights. Enjoy.

Leave it to Kazakhstan to cheer my ass up

Meanwhile... Back In Kazakhstan - Watch more Funny Videos

And Peyton being a bitch comes in a close second.

Friday, November 19, 2010

The Big 1,000

Thanks to everyone who reads Beat Blathering. We hit 1,000 views today and all I have so say it thank you guys. This month the spot has been blowing up and I'm glad people are reading and having a chuckle in an otherwise dismal world we live in.

shout to my dogs
And DMX is back in jail due to breaking probation, all is well in the world.

Willow Palin Says Faggot Too! Enjoy the Weekend

Well these Facebook posts came out that show Willow Palin, Sarah's younger daughter, not the Dancing with the Stars ringer, using naughty words like faggot and gay and dumb shit like that.

But seriously, trust me, I read every line. You should too, both "Bristol" Palin and "Willow" Palin are talking shit like nobodies business, if they were my friends on Facebook, we would have been going all night talking about their momma and whatnot.

This also proves that guys can goad girls into anything, a few idiots on Facebook and you have a future Presidential candidate's kids talking gutter. Shouldn't Sarah have sat these bitches been down and been like "okay hunny mommy might run for president soon, don't call people who don't like my show faggots." Nope, too dumb for that.

This picture would have gone up if they were talking shit to me.
that's yo momma bitch
And hey Willow, since apparently your family hasn't heard of condoms, or your sister is a drunken slut, or both, I bet this figure goes to hell when you get knocked up at a frat party by some dude who wants to fuck the future first slut. Or second actually.
Incoming bun in the oven for Willow?
In conclusion, I hate the whole Palin family now, when before I just knew the mother is a retard potential presidential candidate. Then I found out Bristol was a slut who could rig herself a TV show like nobodies business. Now we have both daughters looking like stupid bitches getting lured into Facebook status brawls. Some self control all around. Can't wait til she gets knocked up. Bitch this is for "Tre".

Enjoy your weekend people, I know I will, and rest assured your daughters are less bitchy than Sarah Palin's. Oh I hope a black guy knocks her up, that'll go over well at the dinner table. Please.

Man Issues: The Old Fashioned

Okay so I was watching the latest South Park Episode, Creme Fraiche, which you can watch here. One of the running jokes is how these exercise things are just for practicing the good "old fashioned" or a handjob for you morons.

teaching our women to beat it like pro's?

Now as usual South Park's writers are genius. One of the age old discussions of Manliness is, can the female gender ever do handjobs better than men? I mean we're the experts of course, since about 13 years old the man has one purpose in life, beat his dick like it owes him money. But it this Shake Weight thing the difference maker?

Okay first off, Shake Weight exactly replicates jerking a dude off. It doesn't actually involve a cumshot at the end as South Park dictates, but the feeling is there anyway. So here is my question, is Shake Weight able to make a girl tug as well as or better than a man? I mean they do have one for men as well. Creepy. How is that not supposed to feel gay?


I'm going to go out on a limb and say if you can coerce your girlfriend into using this product once a day for at least 15 minutes, she should then be ready to give a solid old fashioned. The jerk has it's place, and when a women can give a solid one, it is pretty legit, especially when you're feeling lazy as shit and just don't wanna do it. So ultimately we all make fun of how ridiculous the Shake Weight is, but, who are we all kidding? If it gets your girl to give a solid handy, how bad can it be? I'll toss one in my special someone's stocking and see what happens. Man up guys, get your woman the gift that keeps on giving.


Hey how was your morning? Better than this guys. Dude. You just got crushed and outsmarted by a dude in overalls and some other chump, I know they're your friends, but the overalls.

Hidden Friends Own Pal With Headshot - Watch more Funny Videos

Boom. That just happened. How's your face.

New 2012 NFL Uni Designs

Everyone is talking about the new NFL uniforms by Nike for 2012. Full list of them is here. Check out your favorite teams.

A couple gems.

The jaguars, really? Leopard print sleeves? Sucks to be you guys.
NFL chic

Raiders, always badass.
simple and brutal

And of course, the Pats, I don't know what to think, kind of badass and kind of pussy. I'm on the fence.

So who knows if these jerseys are going to be alternates or the new primaries, either way, they are different that's for sure. Sucks to be you Jaguar fans. The designs are NOT official, but they have been submitted by Nike and you know the NFL, attached to Nike's balls like every other sport. Who knows if they are ever introduced, but we can dream.

Biggest Loser Ever

Okay I give this guy props. At least he goes balls out. I mean he is right, everyone think they are the biggest, most loser-like Harry Potter fan. Clearly we have a winner. Like dude, come the fuck on. You never wake up one day and wonder why everything you own is devoted to a fantasy book? And I love the "JK Rowling inspires my drawing and writing." Dude. You sit in your room and jerk to wizard shit. You're not getting published, and that "drawing" looks like you bought it like a douche. The tats really are the icing on the cake. What, did Rowling sign your arm with a needle? Douchebag.

So next time you say you're the biggest fan, you know you really aren't. But do not worry, because you can also rest assured there is a bigger loser out there somewhere, jerking it to Harry Potter faithfully.

DJ Pauly D Causes Riot

Alright first of all I'll admit it. DJ Pauly D is my dude. Of all the fucks on Jersey Shore, he is the chillest.

Apparently he went to URI to visit a friend, this is what ensued.

Here's the thing though. I've visited URI before, and its dime to regular civilian ratio is like 2 to 1. It's crazy. So I'm sure Pauly didn't mind like two hundred slamming chicks chasing him down, he probably sat in his buddies dorm and one by one fucked like a hundred babes. Dude is the man. Not allowed on campus without prior warning? Check.

Pauly's a pimp.

Oh yeah hoes yeahhhh

Thursday, November 18, 2010

From the Doghouse to the Penthouse: Michael Vick

Okay so as we all know and have been hearing about for the past few days. Everyone is sucking on Mike Vick's nuts. Hard. Now don't get me wrong, I love Vick and even when the dogfighting bull came out it didn't stop him from being a freak athlete.

I love dogs, a lot. But I mean come on, people in the NFL have killed people (cough cough Ray Lewis) and regularly do stupid shit. DWI's, domestic abuse, you name it, the NFL players have done it. So after being so hard on Vick it only fits that now everyone has hopped aboard his nuts.

Mmm yeah gargle them nuts bitches

Monday night against the Redskins he went fucking insane. Peep the box score here.

So lets break down the performance that has the knee-jerk reaction based media calling him an MVP candidate.

First off he passes for 333 yards on 20/28 attempts. Yessir, he ripped the skin's defense a new one.
 4 passing TD's.
But wait, Michael Vick also has legs that work, amazingly well.
He ran 8 times for 80 yards and two rushing TD's. He was the #3 rusher in the game as far as yards and tied Keillan Williams who also had 2 rushing TD's.
Vick threw 0 picks as well.

Take a peek at the video, skip around to the good stuff.

Now, evaluating Vicks performance in a logical way. We see this is the best fucking game of his career hands down. Washington couldn't do shit but watch while he ass fucked them like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was back on the air.

Now everyone is talking about "Vick for MVP" and thinking he's amazing. Look, I love the guy, I think he is one of the best athletes in NFL history. But MVP? You honestly think that's in the cards? He's bound to throw a couple picks, and I'll say it now this is his game of the year, he wont put up a game like this for the remainder of the season. It's just not going to happen. No one can be that productive. Look at Peyton Manning or Phillip Rivers. They put up stupid-good numbers week in and out, and Vick is not that caliber of quarterback. He just isn't.

I do give you props though Vick, you got the national media on your nuts like a meth-binging pornstar, congrats. And goddamn if he does keep this production out, he is going to kill the NFL like a dog that lost a $10,000 fight. What? Too Soon? Nah.

Women Are Great Drivers


Female Parking Epic Fail - Watch more Funny Videos

Look laides I know this is a generalization, but I have to pay higher insurance because I'm a young male, so boo hoo. Some women are just horrific behind the wheel, and once women hit 50, game over. People die out there.

Kelly Osbourne, Holy Fuck

Okay we all remember watching the Osbourne's back in the day, excellent reality TV. Well everyone was making a huge deal about Jack getting in shape and shit, but holy fuck. Kelly Osbourne is on the cover of Shape. And she looks like a different fucking person...kinda cute, or sexy!? What the fuck is happening. That is definitely one sign of the Apocalypse. The proof is in the photos.

"I can't believe that's me!" Neither can we Kelly, neither can we.

Went from this type of situation

To this

I mean damn, I'm pretty impressed. Shocked even. Like on the Osbournes we got so used to her being some amorphous blob thing with a face a mother couldn't even love. Now shes like a small person with a face not even a mother could love. She's coming up.

Fear Not! Homemade Four Loko is Here!

Thanks to shefdizzle over at SU for enlightening me. Look at this. Our prayers were answered. A step-by-step instruction manual on how to brew your own Four Loko, thats what the fuck I'm talking about people. Fight the power.

And the taste test...

thanks again to shefdizzle. I know SU will be brewing this shit like champs. Go Orange.
You know Otto loves the Loko

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Humpday Hotty: Kristin Cavallari

Okay I can hear people bitching now. Blah Blah Blah I don't care. Bottom line, Kristin Cavallari is the hottest chick from the bullshit that is The Hills. Annoying, maybe, a bitch, who cares, hot hot heat.
she likes to be on top? Twist my arm why don't you 

And you know what, keep your Heidi Montag. She's beat as shit after all that surgery, totally plastic. Give me a chick that's just sexy, not fucking all fake and shit with huge knockers. Classic sexy.

Eva's on the Market Soon Gentleman

So apparently it really is true. Show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you the shmuck who will cheat on her. reports are coming out now that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are on rocky ground. Apparently he's been texting mad bitches for about a year.

cheat on this?

Come one Tony, dude. Your wife is always in the Maxim top 100. She is a fox, every dude wants her, and you're gunna cheat and text other chicks?

According to all the reports, reps from the couple are denying they are going to get divorced, but come one, we all know its coming.
oogling that front-row hotty

Heres the thing. Why do guys cheat on the hottest women on the planet? I don't get it. Like that sex addict dude who cheated on Halle Berry. What? Dude, if you're a sex addict get freaky with Halle Berry, you don't gotta pick up hoes and hit the motel. I don't get it, but I can tell you thing, she is going to rebound with some lucky-ass dude who's gunna get the ride of his life while she tries to show Tony what he's missing out on. I can see the TMZ cameras now running to catch her blowing the new guy in the alley behind some LA nightclub.

Normally this is where I say, playa's gotta play,  but if they divorce and the new girl isn't somehow hotter than Eva, than it's more like, dude you're a fuckin' moron.

UPDATE: It's official, Eva has filed for divorce earlier today. Line 'em up gentleman.

The "New" Four Loko

The Company that makes Four Loko, Phusion Projects, is taking caffeine out of all their drinks to head off the national backlash as a result of people getting fucked-in-half drunk off Four Lokos. All new formulas for their drinks will exclude things like caffeine and taurine. Oh jeez wiz, don't take the bull's balls extract!

The question remains to be answered. How bad will a Four Loko without caffeine, taurine, and guarana fuck your day up? Not as much as the original, that's for sure. Why doesn't the FDA try to outlaw vodka Redbull's as well? What makes that so different?

Here's a problem I see coming. When consumers get their hands on these new, ball-less Four Lokos, they are going to drink one, not be too fucked up, then the mixing begins. Four Loko and Red Bull, Four Loko and Monster, Four Loko with 5 Hour Energy, the list goes on and on. Yeah, that seems fuckin' safe. Lets let college kids figure out the right mix of caffeine and alcohol instead of recieving something that already does it for you.

Maybe they should limit the amount of caffeine allowed in alcoholic beverages, or limit the amount of alcohol in drinks with both. I can't wait until people start jumping off roofs thinking they can fly off three Four Loko and Monsters. Either way, I like how this company is trying to still sell when they're getting banned faster than Pam Anderson at the Vatican.

Four Lokos lives on! Viva la resistance! Fuck the police!

I'll have what he's having

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Dont Fuck With My Shows: Part II

So Apparently South Park is getting sued now for a parody they ran in an Episode of the "What What In the Butt" video everyone has seen on Youtube, wait you haven't? Okay fine. Loser.

So that is the original video, here is the parody that aired on South Park in 2008.

You be the judge, but according to Huffington Post, South Park, Viacom, and Comedy Central are being sued for copyright infringment by Brownmark Films.

Now look here "Brownmark Films." Are you really going to go after South Park? I mean, their legal team is probably one of the best and most in-practice law group ever. The only time they have really gotten fucked they showed Muhammed, a prophet of a major religion. So what makes you think this is going to come out a W? Look at the official statement by Comedy Central,

"Courts have consistently recognized that parody enjoys broad protections under the First Amendment and the Copyright Act. We believe 'South Park's' parody of the 'What What (In the Butt)' viral music video that appeared in the 2008 episode of 'South Park' entitled 'Canada on Strike,' is fully protected against any copyright infringement claims under the fair-use doctrine and the First Amendment and we plan to vigorously defend those rights." from Huffington Post

You know what that means in plain English? Fuck you guys we have the First Amendment. Welcome to the future of the world, anything you put on the internet can be made fun of, sorry dudes. Plus this episode is from 2008? What these "Brownmark" guys aren't up on their South Park? What douche bags. I hope South Park files a counter-suit and gives them something in the butt.

Mixtape Review: J. Cole's Friday Night Lights

J. Cole finally dropped a new mix tape, Friday Night Lights. I was pretty excited, J. Cole has awesome flow.

Free download here. Don't need a login or anything.

From the first real track. "Too Deep For the Intro" you can hear J. Cole still has the style he's had since the "Warm Up." His lyrics aren't laden with guns and blunts and bitches, but he can actually TELL A STORY, which is what rap is supposed to be all about.

J. Cole
For all those parents out there, J. Cole is actually that rapper that you want your kids to idolize. A St. John's graduate and apparently smart as hell in his own right. He waited to graduate before he attacked the rap game, catching the eye of Jay-Z.

"Before I'm Gone" is a heartfelt anthem for NYC, focusing on hope and overcoming adversity instead of drugs and violence. Sick lyrics and the beat is tight.

"Back to the Topic Freestyle" Now as I've said before I think these "freestyle" tracks are usually not actual improvising, but this one is still hard.

"You Got It" Song about a girl, decent flow, good beat. Worth a listen.

"Villematic" Decent song, but don't copy Nas please rappers. He is harder than you.

"Blow Up" pretty tight song, Cole is trying to come at his haters apparently.
"Higher" good jam, different beat.
"In the Morning" song to a girl. Decent flow and beat.
"Autograph" come up, inspirational anthem.
"Cost Me a Lot" come up song, tight flow.

I didn't include every song because there is no need, literally every track on this tape is fire. J. Cole is coming up in a big way. Can't wait for him to drop an album. His beats and instrumentals are tight, his flow and story-telling are awesome. Kid has the touch.

Hulk Smash

Awesome. The best part is the dude in the background "Guess we're done." You think so Paco? Game, Set, Guitarists are batshit crazy.

Rock Band Sore Loser Destroys TV - Watch more Funny Videos

Dont Fuck With My Shows

Deadspin, I used to like you. Until they rip on How I Met Your Mother for telling a shitty Lebron Cleveland type joke. I mean look, everyone feels bad for Cleveland regardless of Lebron fucking them in the ass like Sasha Gray.

Cleveland is the Sasha Gray of cities
To defend one of my favorite shows which in my opinion floats in a sea of shitty television programming in this day and age. Here are some real reasons to feel bad for Cleveland, though Lebron is one of them. Any by the way, the joke is told in a way that makes the "Lebron" call seem to come from the bottom of Ted's barrel on excuses for his shit friend. That's part of the humor you fucks.

Drew Carey. Okay so he's not from Cleveland exactly, but he is from a suburb, which is close enough. Drew Carey has had the most mediocre career based on no talent in the history of comedians. He is not funny, watch one episode of The Drew Carey Show or one episode of Whose Line is it Anyway? and you'll see he sucks. I mean in Whose Line Drew Carey mostly ruins the jokes. He thinks he can just chime in off a Wayne Brady classic, and every time I was ask...

And you thought Lebron shamed Cleveland

The Browns. Okay well right now the Browns are actually decent. They even beat my Pats, respect Colt McCoy, he is playing pretty damn well all things considered. But come on man, the Browns suck something awful. They are in a tough division granted, but the records speak for themselves.

savior of Cleveland?

Since the 1999 season when the Browns returned to the league. Here's what has gone down.
1999 Browns go 2-14, welcome back brownies
2000 Browns go 3-13, still miserable as ever, almost last in every category in the NFL.
2001 7-9 Damn Browns, almost .500, Tim Couch looking like a godsend?
2002 9-7 Tim Couch gets the key to the city. Drew Carey is not looking so embarrassing.
2003 5-11 Christ, Kelly Holcomb gets more reps than Couch, failure ensues.
2004 4-12 Jeff Garcia can't do shit.
2005 6-10 Bringing in Trent Dilfur helps about as much as giving Helen Keller glasses.
2006 4-12 Misery continues.
2007 10-6 A great year for Cleveland, Derek Anderson has the year of his career, makes a Pro-Bowl and the Browns don't completely blow.
2008 4-12 And we're back to being the Browns.
2009 5-11 Brady Quin, eh.
2010 3-6 So far, they play every game tough, but come on, it's still Cleveland.

So the bottom line is Cleveland has a few other reasons to be pitied than just boo hoo wheres Lebron, I mean you couldn't even get a ring with him so who the fuck cares. And How I Met Your Mother is a funny-ass show with a few hiccups when they try to hard, hey deadspin, you aren't always knee-slapping good either, but I still read you.

Four Loko Fever Reaching Fever Pitch

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Nicholas Cage in US Custody

Oops, Sorry, I meant the guy he plays in Lord of War. Viktor Bout, just got extradited back to the US from Thailand. If you haven't seen the movie, go see it, and if you have then you know he basically fueled every war everywhere for the past two decades. They weren't exaggerating for the movie apparently. We salute you Viktor, a real American but really Russian badass.

the real deal

ode to a badass