Fuck STD Tests

So last week my college sponsored a free (that means $20) clinic to get an STD test. I have a moment of feeling actually responsible for my life and decide "what the fuck, let me just get the word that I'm clean." I mean I knew I didn't have shit. My dick hasn't fallen off, it isn't shooting lemon lime sherbet or anything like that. And I'm not a manwhore, I'm a one-woman man. But I figure whatever fuck it it'll be quick. Big fucking mistake. Here is the saga of my first STD test:

I saw the sign for the STD Clinic, and I'm yapping with some of my boys about it. I hear that the method for doing these fucking things is they shove a Q-Tip in the end of your cock and test your dick that way. Now any sane dude would think well if that's the procedure maybe I shouldn't go until I actually think I need to be tested. Me, well for some reason I still said fuck it. I was ready to take a Q-Tip in my cock for no reason at all. In hindsight that was a red flag that this wouldn't end well.

So I go to the clinic and meet the nurse. She asks me all the questions they normally do about smoking, drinking, and sex. Being the moron that I am I tell her I drink heavily at times (what old people call binging I call drinking). So I get the whole run-down about booze and weed blah blah blah. She goes through the lie that the weed we smoke is like some alien weed and the weed in the 60's was better for you or some bullshit. Anyway, at this point I just want her to shove the thing in my dick and we can all go home. Wrong. First, the chlamydia test is just a piss test, that's easy enough.

Then she's like, "do you want the HIV test as well, it's free." And again, being the fucking idiot I am I say "yeah sure why not." Fucking moron.

So I don't know if this bitch just wanted to torment me or she had to say something about this but whatever. She is all making small talk and shit and then she gets all serious and goes "If this test came up positive, would you hurt yourself?" I sat there and stared at her for probably a solid minute just wondering why the fuck she would put that in my head. "No," I said.

Even though what I meant by "No" was if I have HIV I would start by killing every woman I'd ever put my dick in. Then I would probably kill her for fucking everything up. Then I would off myself after. But I assumed you couldn't say that or else she'd have the HIV police come in and rape me and give me AIDS or something.

Then she asks "Would you be upset?"
My reply: "Yeah."

What I meant by "Yeah" was are you fucking kidding me you stupid midget cunt bitch of course I would be upset, I'd be upset enough to kill people. And why are you asking me all these fucking questions? Does it look like the Congo in here? It's fucking Massachusetts not Rwanda.

Nurse: "Would you want support?"
Me: "Yeah."

Yeah I'd need a really sketchy guy to sell me all the things I'm about to torture you with before I eat your heart Temple of Doom style in front of your fucking face you fear-mongering slutbag.

This conversation lasted only like two minutes, but it felt like the lostest in my entire fucking life.

Nurse: "But you wouldn't hurt yourself?"
Me: "No."

I'm going to slit your throat from ear to ear and fucking dump all your blood samples into the hole, sew it back up and give you HIV you fucking bitch if you don't just take my fucking blood and let me leave.

So then she takes like four seconds to take my blood. Before I thought I was just going to make sure I'm clean. Now I'm fairly positive I have HIV because this little Munchkin reject wants to scare fucking kids. Cunt.

Then the finale to end all finales.

Nurse "On guys your age I like to do testicular exams just in case."

AKA I want to touch your young balls because I haven't gotten fucked in like 40 years.

And I must have been drunk that day because I say. "Okay."
So she starts feeling on my sack. She feels this little bump I've had for ever and don't give a fuck about and says "Oh what's this?"

Me trying to get the fuck out before fucking 2012: "Oh that's been there awhile, it's fine."
Nurse: "You've had it checked out before?"
Me: "No."

Ding Ding Ding! We have a motherfucking retard here folks. Wrong answer douche! The correct answer was "Yes, it has been thoroughly examined, now are you going to suck it or should I leave?"

So now she's all trying to get me to see my doctor because not only do I have HIV and chlamydia, now add ball cancer to the mix.

Okay so now this little bitch finally lets me go and I go to my doctor to make sure I don't have nut cancer. He says it's probably nothing (after giving me a good rub down) but we should be sure. So he says I need a fucking ultrasound.

Now I thought an ultrasound was for babies. Like, for seeing if the baby has a cock or not. That's it. Apparently they ultrasound your nuts looking for cancer too. So I'm waiting in the fucking ultrasound place like thirty minutes and right when I'm about to blow my head off this chick gets me and tells me about the test.

Now if you've never had a nut ultrasound, let me tell you. It's weird. First you take your pants and shit off and lay down on a cot with a blanket over your junk. Then I looked to my right where the huge machine was that would photograph my balls and on the side side it has one of those warning things. Fine, but the fucking warning refers to something called "a probe." I'm not liking this one fucking bit. It's like the Q-Tip all over again.

So then the chick comes in and pulls the blanket down so she can spy me hairy nut satchel. Then she goes: "Okay I'm just going to put some warm gel on it."

I'm thinking okie dokie, I like where this is going, a little lube and maybe an accidental handy is in order. Instead she gets a tube of this jelly shit and sprays the motherfucker onto my balls. And when I say sprays I mean it. Shit gets all over me, running down into my ass crack, caked under my butt cheeks. It is fucking disgusting. I feel like I nutted a half gallon and I'm being forced to sit in it. Jesus christ. So then she gets out "the probe" and to my relief it's a little scanner thing like at the grocery store, but for my balls. So she messes with it, moving it all over and it's over in like twenty minutes and I'm left to clean my entire lower half because I'm covered in sticky crusty warm ultrasound jizz. I felt like a rape victim must feel.

Here is the point. Guys, if you don't have to get an STD test, then don't. It never can go anywhere good at all. Fucking one little lapse in judgment and I had three different people touching my sack, had it covered in gel and probed, all to find out the stupid bump I had was normal and everyone gets them. I fucking hate doctors.