This Weird Dude Crushes Jesus: Atheist Rant

Anyone who has experienced this situation will appreciate this movie. It's long, but watching religious people get crushed by logic rules.


You're out on a Saturday night, presumably in a small city or town, and someone approaches you, ALWAYS in a group, to talk to you about Jesus and being saved. It's happened to me on multiple occasions. I always react how the weird little dude in this video does, I question them on every idiotic statement.

These groups of people are so indicative of the problem with Christianity it makes me sick.

Here's how the scenario always plays out with me.

The crowd, usually about six or seven people, has one person I deem, the "hook", so I'm sitting on a bench in downtown Saratoga, and spot this group as they approach. I'm alone, which is fine because I've embarrassed plenty of friends who have been present for the exchange.

For some reason, the hook is female usually.


The Hook: she says some cheesey sort of intro, then delves right in. "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Now automatically I'm holding back laughter, there are like seven people standing behind the hook, studying how she does this like she is some sort of psychology professor doing a case study.

Me: "For you it could be hours." This response creates confusion, the hook has now been openly told you are hooked, she now thinks the game is over, and you'll be at her church Sunday begging for forgiveness, boy is the hook a sucker.


The Hook: "Oh, great!" The hook is always very enthusiastic, I mean come on, she chose to come with her super cool friends and preach to loners on a Saturday. Me, I'm just waiting for a shipment of crystal meth for this month.

Now comes the good stuff, the hook will carefully lead into religion, asking "Have you heard the word of Jesus Christ?" etc.

Now, any atheist readers who maybe don't believe in bullshit religion but aren't confident enough to question a group of people essentially accosting you with stupidity, fear not, the atheist argument is easy. I'll highlight some of my usual retorts. By the way, the goal in this type of exchange is to get "the hook" to tag out, or need one of her freinds to rescue her by joining in, it makes her look like such a moron, I love it.

Hooky: "Do you believe in God?"
Me: "I believe that there may be a supreme force in the universe, but at some point he would have directly intervened on Earth knowing that a book was made in His name full of human dogma and lies." That one is a gem, just question the Bible, it really is the easiest part of Christianity to go after.

Hook: "Well what do you think happens when we die?"
Me: "I think that when we die, we get buried or cremated. Maybe even mummified if you got the funds."

Now after a few wise ass answers, they might seem to lose interest so if you want to keep torturing them, you gotta give 'em a softball, make them feel like they have some sort of hope in your conversion.

"I was raised Catholic, but who can support a religion that openly condones pedophilia?" This is good because the group is probably NOT Catholic, so now you made them feel a bit better.

Then usually to break them bring up some simple concepts such as:
"Do you think Jesus supported the Spanish Inquisition, or the Crusades, after all, he ordered them through Popes."

Insert Hooky's blank stares, or one of her dumb-ass friends inserting some stupid dribble.

Or: "Does feeling like this life is just a dress rehearsal for something that probably doesn't exist in fact lead to wasting your time here with worrying about the after life?"

Or the good go-to, just mention any religious war ever and attack religion in general, almost every war in the ancient world was based on religion in some way.

Or: "Why do you feel the need to convert others? Do you think this is my first hearing about all these lies? I hold Jesus Christ in the same regard to my uncle, except my uncle is probably the better carpenter, makes more sense, does cooler stuff AND I actually care about him."

Okay, that's my rant and hints at playing with conversion groups, if you actually read all this, comment or leave some feedback if you want to hear about religion, because I can talk about this shit all day.