Man Issues: The Wingman's Role

Alright guys, it's that time. Another installment of "Man Issues." I'm just trying to educate every guy to certain things all guys should know and value. And this is one of the most important parts of any broship. Being a solid wing-man.

Now being a wing-man has varying degrees.

• Degree 1: The simple distraction of a girl's friend while your boy tries to spit game at his target. It is really easy, unless the girl to be distracted (girl B) is a complete moron or is hideously ugly or smells or something. But usually it's not too hard. This is the simplest level of being a wing-man, and is required of all bro's. At the lowest level your job as the wing-man ends when your bro separates the target from the pack, so you can go about your business while he splits said slut like a piece of wood.

• Degree 2: Now it gets harder, now girl B is hostile. She doesn't like your friend trying to fuck her friend. Probably because the target (girl A) is hotter than her and perhaps better in other ways. So trying to talk to her and keep her from cock-blocking is like wrangling a bull elephant who just downed three double vodkas. Handle with care. Lubricate the situation with alcohol. A lot of it.When the time to extract girl A comes, hostile girl B will make one of several moves. She may confront girl A about going away with douchebags. She may also move in the opposite direction and feel the need to become a stage 5 clinger to you. She wants to go wherever her friend does to prove they are both equally desirable. This is where wing-men need finesse. There are several ways to separate a "grenade" as we'll call them, from their girl A.

1. Wing-man initiated removal. this one is simple. Tell your girl B that you are going to the bathroom/bar or somewhere that isn't where you are standing. If she wants to go to the bar with you, ask her what she drinks and say you'll get it (you gentleman you). When she concedes, run, evacuate. Eventually your buddy (who is hopefully smart) will take his girl to "find you." Mission accomplished. The need to shoot your buddy a text telling him to evacuate may help.
2. Bro initiated evacuation. This is essentially the same as the first, but your boy and his girl say they are going to the bar, and then you follow with the bathroom line. She'll go find them at the bar when you leave, but a finely honed Bro will know how to dodge.
3. The crusher. If there is dancing going on at the location, you may find it necessary to crush your girl B, this may backfire as she may run crying to girl A and then your bro will flip the fuck out and kick you in the nuts. But anyway, this approach is simple. Once your boy has safely netted his prey, just go onto the floor and dance with a solo female dancer. Those sluts don't care, and girl B will be forced to move on. Mission accomplished.

Now back to the degrees of wing-manhood.

• Degree 3: This one is a huge step up. This degree involves the double date. If you have a girlfriend and your boy just met some girl, or wants to bone one of her friends, you are obligated to not only help, but enlist your woman to help as well. The wing-woman is a precious thing, because women trust other women, not dudes. This approach could backfire, if your girlfriend is a raging bitch, then your job might be just to neutralize her and let your buddy do his thing. If she is awesome, and you are a good wing-man, then your buddy better get it in. Or he's a pussy and should get a nutshot.

• Degree 4: This is the highest degree of bro-hood and also is termed "the double wing-man." A double date where you are just coming along and your boy's target brings a random friend. "The wild card" could be anything from a dime with some insane issue, like she's bi-polar or was a dude etc. And your job is to no matter how foul the wild card is, you must help your boy get it in. Likewise, if she is actually not as appalling as Pamela Anderson's gaping snatch, then you and your buddy have to double wing-man. You assist each other. This night is only victorious if both of you get some.

A wise man once said, "If your goal is the hole, then with a wing-man you should roll."



Wing-men make you seem less creepy and awkward, and let girls know you actually have friends. there are also more advanced stages, such as group wing-men. When you're rolling deep just to separated a dime sorority chick from her ugly-ass sisters or something. But stick to what you know. Or else leader and wing-man perish into a world of not getting some. Good hunting boys.