Soda Leads to Violence, For Real?

From NY Daily News:
Researchers believe they’ve found a "shocking" association -- if only a statistical one -- between violence by teenagers and the amount of soda they drank.

High-school students in inner-city Boston who consumed more than five cans of non-diet, fizzy soft drinks every week were between nine and 15-percent likelier to engage in an aggressive act compared with counterparts who drank less.

"What we found was that there was a strong relationship between how many soft drinks that these inner-city kids consumed and how violent they were, not only in violence against peers but also violence in dating relationships, against siblings," said David Hemenway, a professor at the Harvard School of Public Health.

What the fucking fuck is this bullshit? Drinking soda makes you violent? Alright Harvard guy just because you work at a nerd college doesn't mean you can slip one by me.

 

Soda, excuse for every wife-beater growing up today

 

Like I know that obviously kids are all sugared up all the time. But saying a kid who drinks soda is more violent than a student who drinks juice is just too much of a fucking stretch. Why don't we do a study on how fruit consumption affects violence? I mean for fuck's sake. What a waste of money for this study.

What they meant to say was that kids who drink soda are 15% more likely to win the fight because they are all hopped up on sugar and shit.

I mean take me for instance. I'm so fucking small and skinny I can't do shit to anyone. I'm as non-violent as they come. And I drink soda like its my fucking job. Two Mountain Dews before bed? Sounds good to me. I'm just a soda guy, and I haven't been violent at all lately, I did kill a hooker last week, but it was accidental.

Kris Humphries is Old News Already

From TMZ:
Kim Kardashian will file for divorce this morning, after 72 days of not-so-wedded bliss to Kris Humphries  ... TMZ has learned.

We're told even though the marriage was short, she will not seek an annulment. It's a garden variety divorce, in which Kim cites "irreconcilable differences."

We're told the date of separation is listed as today, Oct. 31, 2011.

Kim has hired disso-queen Laura Wasser, who has repped the likes of Britney Spears, Maria Shriver, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Reynolds, and Robyn Gibson, Mel's almost ex-wife.

As we first reported, the couple has a prenuptial agreement ... Kim made sure of that.

Rumors of a split had been swirling for some time and the two were spotted out to dinner earlier this week ... looking less than pleased with one another.

Well apparently Kim Kardashian is finally realizing that a hot piece like her shouldn't be dating some NBA scrub. She should be getting it in with a star. Like Paul Pierce. You know she likes that rat facial hair. Reggie Bush must be laughing his ass off.

Peace you goofy fuck

Look I mean if I was Kris Humphries I would go along with this whole wedding thing too. I mean obviously Kim Kardashian is the hottest piece he will get in this lifetime, so I don't hate on him. But I mean you become part of the attention-whoring empire that is the Kardashians, you gotta expect to get dumped in ridiculous fashion. It's just how they roll. Your 15 minutes of fame is up bro.

Will Ghost Protocol Kill Mission Impossible?

Look, I loved the first two Mission Impossibles. They were sick. But then Tom Cruise went off the deep end of the crazy pool and now he's all Scientology and bullshit. I mean I think this will be the movie that kills the MI franchise.

Anonymous Versus Zetas Cartel

From Newser:
Anonymous is getting truly ambitious: In its latest video, the hacker collective takes on Mexico's Zetas cartel. An Anonymous member wearing a Guy Fawkes mask speaks Spanish and uses Mexican slang in the video, translated by the Houston Chronicle, and threatens to reveal the cartel’s associates and businesses if a recently kidnapped Anonymous member is not released. 

The member was allegedly abducted during a street protest in Veracruz. “You made a huge mistake by taking one of us. Release him,” says the masked man. If not, the names and addresses of corrupt police, taxi drivers, and journalists, among others, will be released, he promises: "It won't be difficult; we all know who they are and where they are ... And if anything happens to him, you (expletive) will always remember this upcoming November 5th." 

One global intelligence expert worries that if Anonymous does attack the cartel, more deaths will "most certainly" occur. But a retired DEA officer calls it "a gutsy move" on the part of the hacktivists.

Damn Anonymous, you crazy. I mean revealing Mexicans in cahoots with drug cartels isn't a big deal because its everyone. The problem I see occurring here is if Anonymous actually does this, then guess what, you have a violent Mexican drug cartel after you.

I mean I know hackers think they are so cool and shit because they know computers, but a gun is much more direct. Especially a gun against your head with a coked-out Mexican drug dealer on the other end.

TO's Got Problems

So everyone was talking about earlier in the week when TO held a workout and no NFL teams showed up so it was basically pointless, but now it comes out that the wide receiver is so hurting for money he is asking a judge to lower his child support payments.

Boo Hoo TO

From TMZ:
Times are tough for Terrell Owens -- so much so the currently former NFL star is asking a judge to lower his child support payments ... TMZ has learned.

Owens, who is currently not an NFL roster, wants to reduce the payments he's making for a son he shares with baby mama Monique Reynolds ... because, according to his rep, he's simply not getting paid these days.

The rep says Owens wants to make the payments a little more reasonable, adding, "His child support payments should mirror his income today and not be based on his income from over four years ago."

Owens was due in court in Northern California for child support modification hearing on October 24, but didn't show up. His rep says his lawyers tried to reschedule, but lawyers for Reynolds refused.

T.O.'s audition for prospective NFL teams -- the one nobody showed up to -- was the next day.


Baby mam drama. It'll kill your wallet for sure. I find this shit so funny. Like really TO? Is a court of law supposed to believe that you don't have any money anymore just because you have no team? I mean haven't you been making tens of millions of dollars for a decade? I mean for fucks sake. Come up with something better than that. Like you are dead broke. Maybe sell your third Lambo and pay for your fucking kid jackass.

My Weekend

My weekend is going to look something like this.


Hope yours does too.
Go pats.

Surprise Surprise Amy Winehouse Drank Herself to Death

File this under, why the fuck did they waste the money on an autopsy? The coroner that examined Amy Winehouse is now reporting that she died from alcohol poisoning. This broad must be a fucking genius.

From USA Today:

Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of "death by misadventure," saying the singer died of accidental alcohol poisoning. "The unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels (of alcohol) was her sudden and unexpected death," Greenaway said.

The singer, who had fought drug and alcohol problems for years, was found dead in bed at her London home on July 23 at age 27. An initial autopsy proved inconclusive, although it found no traces of illegal drugs in her system.

Pathologist Suhail Baithun told the inquest into the singer's death that Winehouse had consumed a "very large quantity of alcohol" — the level in her blood put her more than five times over the legal drunk-driving limit.

I love it, "very large quantity of alcohol". I mean I know this chick is trying to be professional but since .08 is the driving limit and five times that puts you at about a .40, I think we can skip "very large quantity" and say she drank a "shit-ton" of booze. 

Lookin' good Amy

I think the only surprising thing about the report was that alcohol was the only drug in here system. I mean that sounds like a light drinking night for Amy Winehouse. No heroin? No crack? No ecstasy? Jesus Amy step your game up. Too soon?

Banging the Gym Teacher

Alright so we all see it all the time. Teachers getting arrested for fucking around with students and shit. But this one is ust over-the-top on gym teacher sluttiness.


From Dailymail:
A teacher accused of having sex with five high school students has claimed she has no memory of the events.

Stacy Schuler has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity to holding drink and drug fuelled orgies at her home.
The 33-year-old is accused of having threesomes and indulging in sex with one student on her kitchen counter and in the shower.

Schuler worked as a health and gym teacher before resigning earlier this year.


Teresa Hiett, an assistant Warren County prosecutor, said the first incident happened on August 20 after a Mason-Springboro football scrimmage game involving two students who visited her house.


One of the students told the court he had sex with Schuler on five occasions.

The slut in question

Another student said the teacher made vodka smoothies and they smoked marijuana before she had sex with both the 18 year olds.

The boy, now aged 19 and studying at Ohio State University, told how Schuler gave him a massage and then made a pass at him which led to sex.

He told the court: 'She looked at me and said, "anything you want to do, whatever". I just kind of looked at her like what?'

Man I don't even know where to start. This bitch is crazy. I mean getting tag teamed by students drunk and high off their asses, that is molestation gold. And it sounds like a 19 year old at Ohio State has a pretty fucking sweet story to tell. 

Imagine you are at your gym teachers house getting a massage and she just says "how do you wanna bone me?" I mean fuck I never had any gym teachers like that at all. And some of them were cute enough where I'd give it the go. But tag teaming the gym teacher with a buddy in her shower? That is fucking legendary.

Since she was a health teacher too I'd sprinkle in some jokes into the situation. "But in class you say condoms every time..." or "Isn't anal the best way to transmit diseases?" She's clearly just an older slut who likes the young dick so you can say whatever the fuck you want. Fuck these kids who get to bone while I'm playing floor hockey, that just isn't right.

Protest Updates From Around the World

Okay so I mean for fucks sake there are so many protests and Occupy things going on I'm just slapping all them bitches together.

From Yahoo News:

OAKLAND, Calif. (AP) — Dozens of police in riot gear and hundreds of protesters supporting the Occupy Wall Street movement engaged in a game of cat-and-mouse in downtown Oakland on Tuesday, with authorities using tear gas to respond to demonstrators' repeated agitations.

It was the fifth time in about three hours that police a fired a volley of tear gas to disperse a crowd at the scene where ongoing tension has erupted into conflict throughout the day.

The number of protesters has diminished with each round of gas. About 200 remained late Tuesday, mostly young adults, some riding bicycles, protecting themselves from the noxious fumes with bandanas and scarves wrapped around their faces.

Police have established a presence in a plaza where a pre-dawn raid Tuesday dismantled an encampment of Occupy Wall Street protesters that had dominated the area for more than two weeks.

Leave it to Oakland to have the most interesting Occupy movement around. Dude in New York bitch about cops telling them to clean up their garbage, in Oakland motherfuckers are fighting with cops and getting tear-gassed. Raider nation is pissed.

In other protest news, women in Yemen protested their piece of shit government by burning their veils.

From USA Today:

SANAA, Yemen (AP) – Hundreds of Yemeni women on Wednesday set fire to traditional female veils to protest the government's brutal crackdown against the country's popular uprising, as overnight clashes in the capital and another city killed 25 people, officials said.

In the capital Sanaa, the women spread a black cloth across a main street and threw their full-body veils, known as makrama, onto a pile, sprayed it with oil and set it ablaze. As the flames rose, they chanted: "Who protects Yemeni women from the crimes of the thugs?"

The women in Yemen have taken a key role in the uprising against President Ali Abdullah Saleh's authoritarian rule that erupted in March, inspired by other Arab revolutions. Their role came into the limelight earlier in October, when Yemeni woman activist Tawakkul Karman was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, along with two Liberian women, for their struggle for women's rights.

This is why I included the Yemen story with an Occupy story. I'm all about our right to protest, I think the Occupy movements are great and they would have much more power if they were larger. That being said, in motherfucking Yemen the protests are resulting in deaths. 

I mean think about how lucky we are in America that we can protest in every big city in the country and the worst that happens is you get whacked by a club or tear-gassed and maybe arrested overnight. In Yemen they are just killing dudes for protesting. 

Raise your fist and resist!

Humpday Hotty: Melanie Iglesias

Alright this chick is blowing the motherfuck up all over the internet. She won some Maxim hometown hotty contest in 2010 and now she's doing "flipbooks" what we called in the early 2000's "slideshows" of her hotness. More like some weird stop animation but whatever. Sounds like a plan to me.

Pure hometown hotness.

Base Jumping is Crazy

Holy fuckin' shit. I have no idea what to even say about these guys.



I'll tell you straight up. I'm afraid of heights. I wouldn't be able to get 100 feet on the air in that antennae thing. This shit is insane. That being said, I wish I had the fucking titanium balls these guys must have to do this shit. Climb up a thousand feet, and just jump off. Sure, seems easy. Fucking maniacs.

Badass of the Week: 10/24

Dude. If you think the guy arguing with the meter maid is pissed, keep watching.



BAM motherfucker! That just happened. That's what caveman says about unpaid parking meters. Eat shit and die. Winning.

NYPD Cops Running Guns

From the NY Post:
Eight current and former city cops were part of a ring that smuggled guns, cigarettes and slot machines into New York from out of state, the feds charged today.

The 12 defendants -- including five active-duty officers NYPD officers based in Brooklyn -- were busted this morning on charges including conspiracy to transport firearms and conspiracy to transport and receive stolen merchandise.

The early-morning arrests capped an undercover sting operation that began in late 2009 after an FBI informant was introduced to one cop -- William Masso of the 68th Precinct -- "as a person who could 'fix' the (informant's) traffic tickets," the court papers say.

The Bronx District Attorney's Office is currently investigating a massive NYPD ticket-fixing scandal that sources have said will lead to charges against at least 17 officers.

The other active-duty cops named in today's federal complaint are Eddie Goris and John Mahoney, also of the 68th Precinct; Ali Oklu of the Brooklyn South Task Force; and Gary Ortiz of the 71st Precinct.

Good old fashioned corrupt cops. I mean there is nothing like it. Fixing tickets, selling you some guns, they got whatever you need. I mean shit I've seen fucking American Gangster, I know that cops are the fucking biggest drug dealin', money bribing, gun toting folks around. Kudos to the NYPD, the only people more corrupt than the people you arrest, are your officers. Fuck the police.

Getting Closer to Me Being Right

So the NBA season is still up in the air, and the league just anounced it is cancelling another two weeks.



From ESPN:
The NBA plans to cancel two more weeks of its regular season, a source told the New York Daily News.
This would be the third time commissioner David Stern has postponed games as the league's lockout of the players continues. The NBA had previously canceled the preseason and the first two weeks of its regular season which was set to begin on Nov. 1.

According to the Daily News' source, this latest cancellation would total at least 102 games and run through Nov. 28.
The source told the Daily News that the NBA will announce the latest cancellation of games on Tuesday.

At present, the league's annual slate of Christmas Day games remain a possibility, however no new talks between the owners and players union are scheduled.

After three days and 30 hours of meetings with a federal mediator, negotiations fell apart last week when union officials said they were told they must commit to a 50-50 split of revenues before owners would agree to discuss the salary cap system.

Peace peace peace peace peace to the NBA season. I said it before and I'll say it again. This season is donezo, doneski, gone. The assholes on both sides won't even talk about the issues so how the fuck will anything get fixed? It won't. At least until too late for this season.

Having no Christmas Day games is going to piss me right the fuck off.

Finally

So Lindsay Lohan has all kinds of court toru bles these days, and what better way to pay the mortgage and lawyers fees than to take off your clothes?

From TMZ:
Lindsay Lohan is shooting nude photos for Playboy -- TMZ has confirmed -- and LiLo don't strip for peanuts ... the spread will earn her almost a million dollars!

Sources tell us the deal has been in the works for months, and that Lindsay balked at an initial $750K offer because she wanted ... ONE MILLION dollars ... to show the world what her momma gave her (apologies for the DiLo reference).

We're told Hugh Hefner and Co. recently came back to Lindsay with an offer less than her asking price -- but close enough for her to sign on the dotted line. No word yet on which issue Linds will be featured in ... but it's a good bet she'll be on the cover.

According to sources, the shoot started over the weekend -- which means Linds was juggling her court ordered morgue duties ... with getting nekkid.

You know you wanna see those warlocks

Fucking finally. I mean you know all us guys have been waiting to see Lindsay Lohan's tits. Well this is why Hugh Hefner is the dream-weaver. I mean motherfucker just thinks about what hot slut guys want to see naked, and he just tosses cash at 'em. Done and done. Haven't bought a Playboy in my life, but this one might be worth whatever the fuck they charge for nudie mags these days. Not a penny over $1.50 I hope.

Good Will Hunting Reunion

So what could possibly bring MAt Damon and Ben Affleck back together for more of their slightly homo movie duet? Only the most badass gangster to come out of Boston in ever. That's right, Affleck and Damon are making the Whitey Buldger movies, two to be axact.

From Variety:
Warner Bros. is reuniting the "Good Will Hunting" team, tapping Ben Affleck to direct and star in a Whitey Bulger biopic with Matt Damon portraying the mobster.

Casey Affleck will co-star and "Boardwalk Empire" creator Terrence Winter is writing the script.
Studio confirmed the project Monday, five months after Bulger, the head of Boston's Winter Hill Gang, was captured in Santa Monica after being on the lam for 16 years. Bulger fled authorities in Boston just before he was indicted in 1995 for federal racketeering.

Affleck and Damon will produce under their under their Pearl Street Films shingle, through their first-look deal with Warner Bros. Pearl Street's Chay Carter will executive produce and Sarah Schechter is overseeing for the studio.


Man who the fuck else could do what better be another classic Boston movie? I mean Good Will Hunting, The Departed, The Town, Affleck and Damon are about to add to their dominance of the Boston movie pantheon.

That could be Matt Damon right? Maybe?

I mean even though Affleck is really from California and is sometimes a suspect overall actor, when he is with Damon Matt makes him get his shit together. I'm calling it right now, next fucking sick-ass Boston movie will be the Whitey chronicles.

Rihanna is a Freak

From the New York Post:
Rihanna went on quite a spending binge, plunking down more than $1,500 in a sex shop.
While in Paris late last week, Rihanna made a pitstop at Lovestore. The self-proclaimed only girl in the world swept through the boutique, picking out toys, handcuffs, scented candles and lingerie. 

"She knew exactly what she was after and didn't want any assistance picking out items," a source told The Sun. "A blacked-out car parked on the pavement right outside the shop ... There was no dithering. She was grinning from ear to ear and seemed to be in a hurry to get back to her hotel."

Ramey Photo

 

Rihanna's shopping spree reportedly lasted just five minutes. She was later photographed clutching a book by Ellen Von Unwerth, a purchase at the shop that is full of graphic images.

This is hardly the first time Rihanna has been spotted in a sex shop. In March, she was seen outside adult store The Tool Shed in Sydney, Australia, as two bags worth of purchases were loaded into her car. While in Paris in May, Rihanna was friendly to fans as she shopped for a vibrator at the adult store Toys Me. And in July, she visited Wicked Wanda's Adult Emporium in Ottawa, Canada, with her rumored ex, Drake.

How has this eluded me for so long? Rihanna is a motherfucking freak. Ever since Chris Brown whooped that ass every single song she has is about getting railed like a whore. And apparently she is a sex toy expert. I mean damn. You know those scented candles are being shoved in someone's ass too. She ain't the type to just light a candle for shits. She's putting that thing in your butt. Now that is fucking freaky.

That's a Motherfucking Wine River

Dude, this shit is ridiculous. I mean I have never seen such alcohol abuse in my life. And watch the dude stocking the shelf next to the one that falls. He books it so fucking fast away from that shit that there is no contest.



Oh my god. Such a fucking waste of wine. That could have kept a hundred hobos drunk for like, two days or something. I mean the dude who has to clean that up probably killed himself instead of grabbing the mop. I know I would.

What the Fuck is Wrong with Kids?

Look at this music video some dumb kids made about trick-or-treating.



This is what happens when you give your fucking kids candy and a video camera and tell them they are talented. You get this weird like teenie bopper we think we're cool even though we can't drink. Newsflash kiddies, when you're too young to drink, you're too young to have a rap video. It's just the way life is.

The Colts

If you didn't see highlights of the Colts Saints game from yesterday you are truly missing out. I mean it was some record-setting, coater-hanger abortion type shit.

From ESPN:
NEW ORLEANS -- Fans sitting in the upper deck of the Superdome turned their backs to the field, where the New Orleans Saints were setting franchise records, and saluted head coach Sean Payton, who was sitting high above in a booth with his broken leg propped up.

He might as well have had both feet up by the middle of the third quarter.Drew Brees completed 31 of 35 passes for 325 yards and five touchdowns, and the Saints set a franchise record for points and victory margin in a 62-7 demolition of the hapless Indianapolis Colts on Sunday night.

Click through to the ESPN story to see highlights and the records the Saints broke while they raped the Colts.

My question is this: has one injury ever fucked up an NFL team this much before? I mean literally the Colts lose Peyton Manning and it's like they don't know how to do anything. Even on defense they are lost as fuck.

Oh and I know right now everyone is hopping on the Drew Brees express, because that is what people do when a team assrapes another team. But look at this.

In New Orleans, Brees rapes you

From ESPN:
Drew Brees became only the 2nd player since the merger (1970) to throw for at least 300 pass yards and 5 TD without throwing a pick in a single game 3 times. Only Tom Brady has done that more with 4 such games.

Eat a dick Drew Brees.


So in the foot race for the Andrew Locke sweepstakes right now I'd say we have a two team race. Miami hasn't gotten a win yet and they look like shit. The Colts also are 0-7 and they look fucking miserable too.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Colts will be the worst team in the NFL this year. Just because the Dolphins are awful, and they've been bad for awhile. But I mean the Colts right now are just sitting in the locker room like "What the fuck, aren't we good?" And the answer is no my friends, no you are not good.

I mean lets look at the Colts quarterbacks who played yesterday.

Curtis Painter, that powerhouse from Purdue, went 9 for 17 with 67 yards and 1 INT. I mean what the fucking fuck? Is that a real NFL game? This dude couldn't even complete 10 passes. The fuck?

Winner #1

Then they tossed in Dan Orlovsky because when you are getting housed by like 50 points who gives a fuck. The former UConn stud went 3 for 5 with 35 yards.

Winner #2

This is why the Colts are the worst team in the NFL. Combine two moron quarterbacks and you don't get a smart one. You just suck. IT's embarrassing. My bet is on Peyton committing suicide before he gets back on the field. Because without him, they might as well forfeit.

Anonymous Makes a PR Move

So you've probably heard of the hacker group "Anonymous". They have been responsible for a number of hacks country-wide in the past year. But this time they are putting their hacking skills to good use.

From Newser:

It turns out that the hacker collective Anonymous can do more than just mess with the New York Stock Exchange and protest San Francisco public transit—since the beginning of the month, about a half dozen of its members have been busy infiltrating Lolita City, one of the worst "dark net" forums for housing kiddie porn, reports Gawker. So far, they've unveiled details on 1,589 users of the child porn haven and identified and shut down Freedom Hosting, which they say is the worst single host of underage smut, reports Ars Technica; doing so took down 40 such websites, including Lolita City, they say. 

Child pornographers have found an effective way to hide from law enforcement: by using Tor, a service that enables online anonymity by routing traffic through volunteer servers, protecting, for instance, activists operating in countries with oppressive governments. "We have been targeting them in secret for a while now, taking down their servers as much as possible," said one hacker. "We decided to seek media attention for this operation so that we may get the resources needed to shut them down on a more permanent basis."

Now this is a fucking genius PR move if I have ever seen one. Getting on America's bad side by hacking all kinds of important shit? Well win our hearts back instantly by going after the most fucked up people around, kiddie porn people. I mean I think most everyone can agree that nothing is really more sick than a website of old dudes looking at child porn. So take the sites down and make them watch adult porn like the rest of us normal people.

Then, just when we think Anonymous is on our side, they unleash their master plan. They take down Facebook and the iPhone and thousands of teenage girls everywhere begin committing suicide. Genius.

The Coolest Gayest Video Ever

I have never seen anything like this, it defies the laws of coolness.



I mean how can a video make such a gay thing like taking the old Vespa to the skate-park look cool? It is mind-blowing to me personally. I mean I thought the dude would be doing crazy shit, not just getting six inches of air for every full minute of video. I mean what the fuck. Cool music and video doesn't make a Vespa cool, or does it?

Dude Passes Out on Ride

These slingshot ride things at amusement parks are fucking nuts. I'll be perfectly honest I don't fuck with roller coatsers much less a small contraption that shoots you around. Fuck that. But watching people do it is hilarious.

- Watch MoreFunny Videos


Perect timing on the "I pooped."

Loser of the Week: 10/17

Alright this is a clear-cut loser of the week. I mean just watch and you'll see.



Hey girls this is a fucking dirt bike trail. And that sound you hear barreling at you isn't a little moped, it's a bro shredding it up on his dirt bike. We all learned a lesson today didn't we? The girls shouldn't have been being idiots and the biker should have aimed between them. I mean give a little tail-whip and that would be two head shots.

Jessica Simpson Already Whoring Her Child

From the NY Post:
Jessica Simpson is pregnant, but she wouldn’t confirm anything to anyone until she had a magazine deal -- for a fee of up to a half-million dollars. Sources told Page Six that Simpson, with the help of her father/manager, Joe Simpson, refused to say she is expecting until she had a deal in place. The singer/fashion designer and mentor on NBC’s “Fashion Star” had been shopping a deal to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos. We’re told the Simpsons were asking up to $500,000 to close the deal. 

Media whore

This is when shit has gone too far. Not even saying you are having a kid until you get a magazine deal. What a fucking slutbag. Jessica why don't you just tattoo "Need Money" on your forehead? I mean that Nick Lachey alimony must be running dry huh? Isn't she supposed to be a singer? Why not just make a new album for money instead of whoring out your kid before the motherfucker even gets here.

Dom Mazzetti vs. Single Girls

"Whats that? Is that tears? Good cuz I forgot my lube."

Hilarious.

$210k Phone Bill, No Shit

From Dailymail:

Most of us dread opening any of our bills.

But one South Florida woman got the shock of a lifetime- when she opened her cell phone bill to find she owed a mind-blowing $201,000.

Worse still, Celina Aarons soon learned that it wasn't a mistake.

Celina has two brothers who were born deaf and cannot speak.

Shamir the younger one is in college and doesn't work, and Celina is especially close to him.

The easiest way for them to communicate is by texting.

Normally, that's not a problem. Aarons has a data plan and the bill usually comes to a total of about $175.

But then Shamir went to Canada for a two-week holiday.

Neither Celina nor her brother thought to change him to an international plan.

Between them the two brothers sent over 2,000 texts and also downloaded videos, sometimes racking up $2,000 in data charges.

After getting the bill Miss Aarons said: 'I asked three, four times. I was like "Are you serious?'

She told WSVN-Channel 7 News: 'I was freaking out. I was shaking, crying. 'I was like my life is over.'

The phone company should have told her the bill was soaring, Celina argues.

T Mobile said that Shamir was billed $10 per megabyte and that they had texted the rate to him. 

Four additional texts were sent to his phone as the charges surged, they said.

The phone company have now reduced the bill to $2,500 and given Celina six months to pay it.

Alright this chick is definitely the winner of the motherfucking week. First, she racks up this retarded bill with her deaf brothers who also apparently aren't smart enough to know what roaming is. THEN she bitches a little and next thing you know T Mobile reduces the bill by $207gees. Winning at it's finest.

 

Use us, we won't even make you pay your bill!

 

I mean come on T Mobile, if this was AT&T or Sprint this whiny brat would be paying in full. Sell the house and the car and your soul, because they would make you pay. Now that everyone knows T Mobile is soft the floodgates of deaf people texting are going to open. Try enforcing those huge bills now T Mobile you fucking morons.

The UN are Pussies

From Newser:

(Newser) – Solitary confinement doesn't just sound like torture—it literally can be torture, according to the UN's lead investigator on the topic. Juan Mendez has called for a ban on solitary confinement in excess of 15 days, and a total ban on the practice when juveniles or people with mental disabilities are concerned. Speaking to a UN General Assembly human rights committee, Mendez referenced studies that found negative physical and mental effects from spending just a few days in solitary confinement. 

"Segregation, isolation, separation, cellular, lockdown, Supermax, the hole, secure housing unit ... whatever the name, solitary confinement should be banned by states as a punishment or extortion technique." Mendez pointed a finger at China for keeping a woman in isolation for two of the eight years she was sentenced to serve. As for the US, he noted it's estimated that as many as 25,000 convicts are in solitary confinement, reports the BBC.

Look I can see getting rid of the death penalty. But basically the UN is saying that you can't isolate prisoners who are fucking up. I mean if a shank a dude, I go into solitary confinement so I don't shank another dude, it's not supposed to be some fun solo summer camp. It's a punishment.


And leave it to China to be the assholes about this whole thing. Keeping a chick in solitary confinement for 2 years? What is this V for Vendetta? Leave it to the Chinese government to take it over the top.

This is Amurrica, and if you go to jail, we fuck you up. It's just how it goes.

Humpday Hotty: Joanna Krupa

Slamming hot model. That's what I'm throwing at you today. BOOM. World-class model Joanna Krupa in your eye holes.

Goldman Sachs Proves Occupy Wall Street's Point

So Goldman Sachs released a report showing that they are getting destroyed this year, but the top executives will still be bringing home fat checks for Christmas.

Fuckers

From The Daily Beast:

Today’s Goldman Sachs earning reports provides a valuable lesson on how things really work inside Wall Street’s largest investment houses. Goldman Sachs had an awful three months, losing $428 million in the third quarter of 2011, and yet it continued to shovel billions into the bonus pool it will share with its employees at year’s end.

Through the first nine months of 2011, Goldman set aside $10 billion in its compensation fund. If Goldman’s 30,000 employees split that bounty evenly, that would work out to $333,000 per person—plus the billions more Goldman will no doubt set aside in the last few months of the year.

Of course, the receptionist inside Goldman Sachs doesn't receive the same pay as all those analysts and other midlevel suits making salaries of $400,000 a year or more. Moreover, chieftains like Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who received $13 million in compensation last year, won’t have to share their year-end bonuses with as many people as last year. 

The bank laid off 1,300 employees in the third quarter of the year and plans on jettisoning another 1,000-plus jobs in the coming months.

This is why Occupy Wall Street is gaining main stream acceptance. Because these fucking banks just keep being douchbags. And it won't change. They are run like fucking crack houses. Even if there isn't money you just divide it up and who gives a fuck about your customers.

And I don't even want to know how much of these bonuses they funnel to lobbyists who keep the government from actually controlling and regulating big banking.

Soulja Boy is Carryin'?

Damn, this story actually makes me give Soulja Boy a little street cred. I mean I thought he was a pussy but being pulled over with a shitload of weed, 35grand and a few guns is pretty G. 

From NY Daily News:

Soulja Boy got clipped by cops in a marijuana bust early Tuesday.

The "Pretty Boy Swag" rapper, 21, and four other men were arrested in Temple, Ga., after a "routine" traffic stop led to a search of their black Cadillac Escalade, a law enforcement source told the Daily News.

"Upon further investigation, officers discovered a substantial amount of marijuana, hand guns and a substantial amount of cash, about $35,000," the source said, speaking on condition of anonymity because the investigation is ongoing.

 

Soulja Boy, whose real name is DeAndre Cortez Way, and his four co-defendants are facing charges of pot possession, possession with intent to distribute and possession of a firearm during the commission of a crime, cops said.

Get Silly must be code for buy guns and weed

Wait wait wait wait. Soulja Boy's name is DeAndre Cortex Way? Nevermind that stuff about him being a gangster. I like how they put "routine" in quotes in the story. Why is that huh? Cops can't just routinely pull over rich-looking black dudes? I mean that's pretty routine isn't it? Just about as routine as rolling around in an Escalade with 35k guns and weed. I mean I do that all the time it's no big deal.

Dude Sleeps Through Interview

I love it.

Steven Seagal Spinning off like a Mofucker

Most of you probably just know Steven Seagal from his shitty films. But in case you need an update, Steve is on an A&E show called Steven Seagal: Lawman. It's hilarious. He drives around in like Alabama or some shit hole with like 4 SUV's in tow and they just fuck poor crackheads up basically. Anyway it looks like he is taking the show to the US border to fight the Meheecan menace.

From TMZ:
Steven Seagal ... who has just become an official border sheriff in Texas.

Seagal was sworn in as a sheriff's deputy in Hudspeth County, Texas this weekend ... and according to a sheriff's dept. spokesman, he'll be working full-time to help secure the border Texas shares with Mexico.

Shockingly, the rep insists Seagal's work with the department has nothing to do with his A&E reality show, "Steven Seagal: Lawman."

One of the sheriffs told Chron.com, "It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity ... He's like the rest of us that live down here, he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help."

Bullshit. Bullshit and more bullshit. He's not in it for the publicity my ass. It doesn't have to do with his show my ass. I mean I can't hate the hustle, Seagal hasn't been relevant since the 80's but he's still getting paid. I mean A&E must pay at least $50 an episode. Not too bad Stevey.

The border is safer with him there

And in all seriousness how terrifying would it be to be running across the border and all of a sudden 50-year-old Steven Seagal hops out of a bush and throat-kicks you. Day ruined.

But I can't wait for "Steven Seagal: Border Justice".

Winning Like the Warlock

Alright so the feds roll up on some dude fucking a car.



This guy is my favorite person ever. Not only does he toss out the good ole' "suck my balls" but he tell the cop to taze him. I mean that is really elevating your game. Cops think they are cool because they can taze you, take that power away from them and make them your bitch. This is the reverse of "Don't Taze me Bro."

Smart Dude Catches Wifeslut with iPhone

From Dailymail:

Apple's Find My Friends app is designed to make it easier for friends to meet up, showing a live location on screen via GPS which your friends can watch. 

The idea is to make it easier to find friends on a night out, or ensure that people don't get lost on holiday.

But one wronged New York husband claims that the app - which uses GPS to let designated friends 'see' where you are - has revealed that his wife was lying to him.

The unnamed New Yorker, who posted on Mac forums, said, 'I got my wife a new 4s and loaded up Find My Friends without her knowing. She told me she was at her friends house in the east village.'

'I've had suspicions about her meeting this guy who live uptown. Lo and behold, Find my Friends has her right there.'

He claimed that the app showed that she was in Manhattan, not where she claimed she was.

'I just texted her asking where she was and the dumb b***h said she was on 10th Street.'

'Thank you Apple, thank you App Store, thank you all. These beautiful treasure trove of screen shots going to play well when I meet her at the lawyer's office in a few weeks.'

Boss boss boss boss boss. You think your wife is cheating on you and what do you do? You find the fuck out and catch her in the act. Boss. And thanking Apple and putting her on blast at the same time, priceless. This dude is not to be fucked with.

Here is Why I Don't Bridge Jump

Jesus christ people wonder why I'm a pussy about bungie-jumping and crazy shit like this.

From the NY Daily News:
A wind suit turned out to be a life-saving outfit for one unlucky parachute jumper in Florida.
Christopher Brewer, 27, nearly died on Saturday after jumping off the River Gorge Bridge as part of Bridge Day when his parachute didn't open, WCHS-TV reported.

The frightening incident was caught on video - including the moment when Brewer plummeted into the water.
Brewer's fall was cushioned by a wind suit that slowed down his fall - just enough for him to survive, officials told the TV station.



So this guy goes to jump off the bridge and his chute doesn't open, and the only thing that saves his life is the wind suit he was wearing that got enough wind resistance to keep him from exploding on impact with the water. I mean that shit is scary as fuck. Imagine the instant you realize your chute isn't coming out. I can't even wrap my head around the pure terror he felt before he hit. Craziness.

Poo on You[r Phone]

From Newser:

(Newser) – If you’re reading this on your smartphone, you might want to go wash your hands now: A new study out of London finds that one out of six cellphones has fecal matter on it. UK researchers swabbed 390 mobile phones and the British hands that used them, and found that 16% of both were contaminated with E. coli bacteria—which, yes, comes from poop, Time reports. 

The contamination likely occurs when people fail to wash their hands after using the bathroom, researchers say, and since E. coli can survive for hours in warm conditions, it can easily be transferred from your smartphone back to your hands even if you do eventually wash them. The study also found that 92% of hands and 82% of phones were contaminated by some type of bacteria, including Staphylococcus aureus.

This is some Monday morning type shit. I mean if 16% of Brits have E. coli on their phones and hands, then jesus us American slobs must be at least at 30%. And 82% of phones have funky bacteria on them? I mean that's the last time I put my phone in my ass on vibrate and don't wash it again, that's for sure.

The new iPhone, now with free E. coli!

But this is why I think people who are germaphobes are a little bit ridiculous. I know a phobia is by definition irrational but I mean if you really think you can ever be "clean" you are drunk. I mean there is some sort of microscopic poo everywhere, and the sooner people accept it and just put their phones in their mouths, the better off we will all be.

Jim Schwartz is a Baby

So just in case you live under a rock or some shit and didn't see the end of the Lions 49ers game when Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz exchanged a few words, here is the video.



Schwartz said he got "shoved" out of the way when he was shaking hands with Harbaugh, and obviously he was referring to the pat on the back Harbaugh gave him. Someone said something to someone and after that it was on. Players, coaches, everyone was ready to punch someone going into the tunnel.

My question is, how big of a pussy is Jim Schwartz? Here is what went down.

Harbaugh is excited because his team won, he's bouncin' all over the fucking place. He shakes hands and put his other hand on Schwartzes back. Schwartz is pissed the Lions lost and probably mumbles something about "don't touch my back you fag." And then Harbaugh reacts.

My favorite is the guy in the white Lions jacket who at the 50 second mark starts running and shoulder bumps number 85 on the 49ers. Like really dude, how heated are you about what just went down? You want to fight an NFL receiver? Probably won't go so well. Oh wait! That's the pussy who started it all, Jim Shwartz.

You really wanna fight Jim Harbaugh?

And I do love how the coaches get wisked away and the moron players stay in that huge group talking shit when they don't even know what happened. I can picture a lot of "That's my coach!" Good shit morons.

Start Your Monday with...

A Kimbo Slice knockout.

Saturday Kimbo had his second boxing match after making the switch from MMA, which he clearly sucks balls at. Boxing is way more his style.



Remember when people used to think Kimbo was the shit? I do. When he first came out and he was beating on every willing punk down in Miami. Now he just knocks out skinny toothpicks. How the mighty have fallen.

Weekends

I was out all afternoon before I got shit-faced with my boy Ben Mancino. Check him out here.

1 Year of Beating Off

So today one year ago I made this blog. One year and 78,000 hits later I'm still trucking. And in honor of my one-year blog birthday I'm going to lay into some anonymous comment I got the other day.

This is a comment on my Maxim Hot 100 post. And apparently some "hot" chick did not like my funny commentary on the slut-list.

As funny as these comments are you do realize that the list is not to be taken seriously? I mean it's mostly for publicity and also so people can talk about who should or shouldn't be on the list. I knew a girl that modeled for maxim and she was on their list but like in the 90s and she was just a regular hot girl. I mean Anne Hathaway is pretty but is she really the 7th prettiest girl in the world? I know ten girls hotter in NYC, including myself. But we aren't famous so no one knows who we are. :-) I think people apply for the list or their publicists do. A lot of unknown models do maxim for exposure, though it ruins real careers for serious models but then they apply for the hot 100 like some of the hometown hotties chicks. 

Anonymous chick from NYC. You are possibly the dumbest person to comment on my blog this year. And that is saying something.

Your assumption that I take that list as "serious" is laughable. The motherfucking entire post is about what Maxim got wrong. This line was classic too.

I mean it's mostly for publicity and also so people can talk about who should or shouldn't be on the list.

No fucking shit you moron. That is why I posted it so I could argue or agree with parts of the list. If you have read any of my fucking blog you know I just rip on dumb bitches like yourself. Oh and as for claiming you have hot model friends and are hot, you are lying. I don't give a flying fuck what you say. You don't come onto a smut-filled blog as a hot chick and rip on the Maxim Hot 100 list. It just doesn't happen. I mean I don't really think Anne Hathaway is that hot, but YOU aren't hotter than her. You should face reality and just admit you are ugly and spiteful towards attractive women.

And how the fuck does Maxim ruin the careers of "serious" models? You mean getting worldwide exposure in a magazine with massive circulation is terrible for the career of a model? I'm pretty sure you are a fucking moron and the opposite is true.

This is just an example of someone who shouldn't read my blog. Some chick who thinks my posts are serious. I mean I know you can't always sense sarcasm in text but for fuck's sake I try to make it obvious. And second, to the ladies, I know this blog is geared towards dudes. It's just the way it is. It's about crazy shit and hot women and sports and drugs. I'm sorry if you cry at night because you want to be a Maxim model but jesus christ don't comment on my posts if you are going to take some high road type shit on me. I'll take the motherfuckin' low road all day and make you up your intake of ice cream to two gallons a night instead of one.

Anyway, thank you to all my loyal readers. I try to make this blog a great way to get information from the world in a funny way and help everyone take life a little less seriously. Thank you all and Monday starts another year of beating off into your eyes and making you laugh about it.

Cops Play The Dirty Hippie Card

Well, finally the NYPD is using their trump card to get Occupy Wall Street protestors to clear out, the dirty hippy card.

From the NY Post:

The city’s top cop said today that the Occupy Wall Street protesters who clear out of Zuccotti Park tomorrow so their filthy makeshift campsite can get a much-needed cleaning can come back when the job is finished -- but they can’t take their tents, coolers and other gear with them.

“People will have to remove all their belongings and leave the park,” Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said, “After it’s cleaned, they’ll be able to come back. But they won’t be able to bring back the gear, the sleeping bags, that sort of thing will not be able to be brought back into the park.”

Pamplets were handed out to protestors by security guards hired by the park to inform them of the changes.

The order would put an end to the campout at the park that began on Sept. 17 -- but some of the protesters defiantly vowed not to leave the park as the city has ordered.

“The powers that be don’t like what’s happening, and it doesn’t surprise me,” one protester said this morning. “They’d do anything to get rid of us. But you don’t put yourself through all this if you’re not serious.”

Another young man shouted “We’re not leaving this park!” as cops walked by passing out fliers warning them to clear out.

Others said they would clean up the park themselves, and a few were already walking around with brooms and picking up garbage.

We'll see how this shit goes. I mean Occupy Wall Street is already spawning movements all over the country, but if the tent pole in NYC falls, the rest will probably weaken and splinter. We will see what happens when smelly hippies meet disinfectant. The protestors already have claimed they won't leave, but a few nightsticks and some mace will probably change their minds.

Most Dissapointing Video in History

We know them, we love them. Internet videos of people doing stupid shit and getting broke.

s

Tell me that wasn't the worst video of all time? I was ready for the car to come burning in and splatter that dude all over the fucking place. He lands it?! What the fuck bro. That's not cool. Dying getting annihilated by a $200,000 is cool. Get with the times.