Fast Five Killing It

First off, Fast and the Furious movies are my shit. Don't care what the haters say. They are ridiculous and hilarious and stupid and awesome. Ludacris is in them. Go fuck yourselves. And apparently the newest edition "Fast Five" killed it last night at its midnight opening.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Universal’s Fast Five grossed $3.7 million in Thursday midnight runs at the domestic box office, the best ever for a Universal title and the biggest for the action franchise. It's expected to deliver the year's biggest opening.

Overseas, the action pic grossed $7.6 million on Thursday as it moved into five more territories, bringing its foreign cume to $43.7 million and worldwide total to $47.4 million.
In the U.S., there were midnight shows of Fast Five in 1,104 locations. Today, the pic moves into a total of 3,643 locations.

Fast Five’s $3.7 million midnight total was nearly double the $1.8 million earned by Fast & Furious, the last title in the franchise.

Overseas—where Fast Five began rolling out last weekend--the pic remains No. 1 in every territory it’s playing in, including Germany, Russia and the U.K., where it’s going head-to-head with Paramount and Marvel Studios’ Thor in several markets.

Fast Five was well ahead of Thor in Germany, opening to $2.2 million on Thursday to command 40% of the market and score the best opening day of the year. Thor grossed $1.2 million in its opening day in Germany. In Russia, Fast Five opened to $2.4 million; Thor, $1 million.

Here is the review from IGN.

So the reviews say exactly what makes this series great. The actors are so-so, but the action is redonkulous and the cars are sick. Add in some gunplay and I'm in heaven.

Have a good weekend people, it's time to start drinking.

Ahnold Coming Back to the Big Screen

From Screen Junkies:
Governator and sugarcone demolisher, Arnold Schwarzenegger has deemed Cry Macho worthy enough to be his first film following his political career. He is still in early stilted, Austrian-accented talks but the expectation is that he will begin shooting this summer.

Based on something called a “book,” Arnie will play “a damaged-goods horse trainer who’s just been ignominiously put out to pasture by his feckless boss. In exchange for some retirement money, the broken — and broke — horseman agrees to kidnap the boss’s 11-year-old son from his rich Mexican ex-wife. Things take an unexpected turn, however, when the ex-wife is all too glad to be rid of her juvenile delinquent.”

Umm, what? Stuff is still going to blow up though, right? He needs to blow some stuff up. Maybe he finds out that the boy he kidnaps is actually the key to humanity’s salvation after the horses rise and start riding us instead. I definitely expect to see him battling oppressive horse overlords. They should put this footage in the Blu-Ray deleted scenes at the very least.

I don't give a fuck if this movie is good or not. I will see it anyway. Arnold might not be a great actor, but he delivers classic lines in every fucking movie he's in. Come on people "Get to the choppa!" and "It's not a tumor," and "pet the ferret." Classic fucking Arnold. Love that shit.

Wanna Be Creeped Out?

Yeah that's right you fucking do. Look at these pictures of old-ass Hugh Hefner with his 25-year-old fiancee, Crystal Harris.

From Huffington Post:


Hugh Hefner and his fiancee, Crystal Harris, showed their affection on the red carpet at the TCM Classic Film Festival Opening Night Gala Thursday night in Hollywood. 

Hef, 85, proposed to Crystal, 25, over Christmas and they plan to marry in June.

He is trying to suck her youth out through her cheek?

And Hugh just came

 Alright I love Hugh, I really do. Playboy is an iconic company and he is a true American Icon. That being said, it's kinda just getting gross now. I mean he is old enough to not only be her grandfather, but possibly her great-grandfather. I understand he is the timeless pimp, but when the fuck is this dude going to hang up the spurs? This just makes him look pathetic and it makes her look like what she is, a gold-digging slutbag.

Just stay at the mansion Hugh, it's getting disgusting.

Easter Bunny Snatching Your People Up

Oh man, I love when stupid fucking families video tape Holidays and shit goes wrong. Talk about instant classics.

Well done Mom and Dad. From our angle it looks like a fucking mummy is coming to rape the whole family. And Mom loves it, she thinks it is funny as fuck. Let me tell you, this is how serial killers happen people.

Blake Lively Kidnapee in New Movie

Like Blake Lively? Well read on because the hotty is going to play a weed-loving slut that gets kidnapped in a new Oliver Stone movie.

From Screen Junkies:

It has been confirmed that Blake Lively will play a pretty cool chick in Oliver Stone’s The Savages. The Most Desired Woman Of 2011 will play Ophelia, the free-spirited girlfriend of two Laguna Beach marijuana kings who gets herself and her magnificent breasts kidnapped by the Mexican cartel. Way to go. Aw hell, I can stay mad at them, err, I mean, her.

She beat out Olivia Wilde and Teresa Palmer for the role although I can totally see either of them dating Laguna Beach pot dealers. There was some question about whether or not she’d take this role or that of a really hot witch in Oz: The Great and Powerful. But in the end she decided she couldn’t pass up the chance to be screamed at by the director of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps and U Turn.

Girlfriend of TWO weed kingpins? There better be a graphic sex-scene. At least one. Anyway, The Savages looks like it is shaping up to be a badass movie, titties or not.

I Remember My First Blunt

Saw this on Barstool and I couldn't resist. This dude is a clown. Stay with it until he hits that tiny ass blunt roach.



AHAHAHA! I remember my first hit you fat fuck. You aren't allowed to rap about smoking blunts if the tiniest hit off the end of a dutch knocks you out. That dude is a chump. Loser of the Week. Hands down. Don't care and can't remember if I already did one, but this guy trumps whoeverthefuck it was. Chump.

Soulja Boy "Juice" Remake

There is no fucking way this is going to be good. Have you seen Tupac in Juice? He goes motherfucking pure bat shit trigger-happy. Seeing Soulja Boy try to be crazy as fuck as Bishop in Juice is going to make me want to blow my own brains out and save him the trouble.

From AllHipHop:
When I first heard that Soulja Boy was doing a mini-movie remake of Juice and reviving Tupac Shakur’s role as Bishop, I thought to myself: “What…no Law and Order guest spot first?”

Don’t get it twisted. I’m not trying to hate on Soulja Boy or question if he can fill Tupac’s tats. While I do have my reservations about remaking the film – even if it’s only for BET – I can’t help but think about the bigger picture. Is this a subtle attempt to remake the 1990s and its aesthetics?

I’m not mad at the 1990s at all. I’m a ‘90s girl who witnessed and experienced some great Hip-Hop and Black pop culture moments: new episodes of black sitcoms like Martin, Living Single, and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, BET when it actually had music videos all day, OJ getting acquitted, and the rise and tragic falls of Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. Although I was a little too young to go see movies like Juice in theatres, I appreciated them all the more when I snuck to watch them at my cousin’s house.

For a little context regarding Black folks and film, Craig Watkins’ book Representing is a great starting point. Representing discusses the role of film in establishing markers and understandings of Blackness at the end of the 20th century. Watkins’ definition of the “ghettocentric imagination” suggests the explosion of the 1990s ‘hood film genre provided a space for contemporary Black youth expression. It also catered to a problematic embracing of Black identity, particularly in the realm of Black manhood. This is reflected not only by the ‘hood film’s popularity but its accompanying soundtrack. The music reflected the same dark, nihilistic, and hopeless outlook of many urban Black youth in the 1990s America.

As you probably guess, I'm white, so I don't understand anything this dude on Allhiphop is saying. That being said, I DO know a bad remake idea when I see one, and a terrible actor. Soulja Boy in "Juice" has my "Gigli" radar going off like a motherfucker. My guess is it will make about 5 million dollars the first weekend. Or go straight to DVD.

can this...

Be this?

The editorial does end with something I can agree with...

Hopefully Soulja Boy doesn’t suck.

You said it man.

Do I Hate Pauly D Already?

I used to like DJ Pauly D. I think of all the Jersey Shore cast he is grinding the hardest. He isn't wrestling and fucking around, he is trying to sell himself as a real DJ. And he is getting gigs all over the fucking place. Dude is milking his 15 minutes for all they are worth.

So the Smoking Gun got ahold of Pauly D's "rider." For those of you shmucks who aren't down with showbiz lingo a rider is essentially the artists demands that the venue has to fulfill for them to place at that location. SOme artists are famous for having ridiculously specific and demanding riders. Apparently even though he is only a DJ and barely legit, Pauly D's rider is crazy. And makes him look like the biggest douchebag ever.

From the Smoking Gun:

APRIL 27--Since fist-pumping his way to fame as an alpha guido on the MTV show “Jersey Shore," Paul “Pauly D” DelVecchio has parlayed his reality TV gig into a burgeoning career as a club DJ--and he has a tour rider filled with A-list celebrity demands.

Though the three-page document is worth careful analysis, here are some highlights:
• In light of the “grenades” and “landmines” littering clubs, security is tight for the 30-year-old’s appearances. “A member of the security staff will be provided to meet and escort TALENT upon arrival at the airport and accompany the talent between airport/hotel and venue and lead TALENT into the venue and VIP area,” the rider stipulates. “Under no circumstances will TALENT be allowed in any public area unaccompanied by security.” DelVecchio is the “TALENT” in question here.

• In the “VIP AREA,” a large table must be reserved “for the sole use of TALENT” (again, that is a reference to DelVecchio). Nobody other than “TALENT and Talent’s entourage” shall have access to the area with the permission of DelVecchio’s road manager. Yes, DelVecchio’s rider actually refers to his “entourage.”

• While Ron-Ron Juice might be the drink of choice in Seaside Heights, the only liquors worthy of DelVecchio’s VIP table are liters of Grey Goose vodka and Patron tequila.

• DelVecchio also demands the provision of four bottles of “House Champagne.” The bubbly, though, will not be consumed by the DJ and his three-person posse. Instead, it will be used “to spray crowd.”

• The rider stipulates that the opening DJ must operate from a separate DJ booth. “Pauly would prefer to play from a stage as opposed to permanent club DJ Booth.”

• As for transportation, promoters must purchase four airline tickets for the DelVecchio traveling party (two of the seats are required to be in Business Class). Additionally, DelVecchio notes that “Windows & Isles are mandatory” for all airplane seats--even for Turtle and Drama back in coach.

• DelVecchio requires a suite in a “FOUR OR FIVE STAR HOTEL ONLY.” His cronies are left to slum it in “deluxe single rooms.” Along with DelVecchio, each member of the DJ’s entourage get a $150 per diem, so perhaps they could spring for an upgrade.

• “Your girl’s favorite DJ” makes it clear that there can be “ABSOLUTELY NO use of MTV name/logo and Jersey Shore logo in any and all promotional materials” advertising his appearance. Violations of this edict “will result in immediate cancellation of the appearance and forfeiture of deposit.”

DelVecchio’s next scheduled DJ gig is at the Palms Pool & Bungalows in Las Vegas. Surprisingly, tickets remain available.

Dude is barely lucky to have a career at all and he is making these fucking demands. If you are as fascinated by this asinine rider then peep the full thing here. Motherfucker is three pages long.

Some of the shit I understand. Like a nice hotel. Alright, that is reasonable. But "Window and Isle are Mandatory"? What the fuck is that man? You really can't be bothered to sit next to a stranger? Dude, you are used to club on the Jersey Shore, I think one smelly businessman cramming in next to you wouldn't kill your ass.

And only Grey Goose and Patron? I mean Patron I'm okay with, that shit is delicious and will fuck your day up. But Grey Goose? Typical Guido thinking that just because some shit is over-priced is must be good. You just got suckered by the price tag, fucking moron.

Douche

I'm sorry Pauly, but I hate you now. Vinny is my favorite. Fucking dudes from Providence think they are real people. When will they learn?

Wednesday Night TV Review

Alright alright I watched a shit-ton of tube last night and here is the whole fuckin' rant nicely in one post.

Bruins/Habs Game 7:
I don't know why people hate on hockey. If you think hockey is boring here is what you should do. Wait until the playoffs and then take either the Bruins or Canadiens as your team. When they play each other it is one of the top rivalries in sports. I seriously hate those pussy Canadiens more than the Yankees. And according to Jack Edwards the Bruins win was like the Boston Tea Party. Whatever dude.



Bruins take game 7 and the series 3-2. But I didn't see the end because it went into OT and went past 10...

When the new season of South Park premiered. I thought that the Human CentiPad killed it. It had every part of a hilarious South Park episode. An obscure movie reference. A celebrity to bash. Kyle eating poo, and Cartman getting fucked by his mom. What more could you ask for? Plus the running joke was about how Apple could say anything in their user agreement because no one reads them. Pretty genius South Park.

Missed the premiere? Watch it here. I made a rhyme.

Then after South Park was the new episode of Workaholics. In this episode Adam and Anders are duking it out for a promotion, hilarity ensues. I'd say it isn't as great as the first episodes with the shroom campout in the office of the piss test one, but still funnier than most shit on TV.

Dude on the right is real life Murderface right?

Alright for you Metalacolypse or howeverthefuck you spell it. Tell me this guy isn't Murderface. Tell me.

 Weird right?

All in all, Wednesday nights are shaping up to be funny TV nights, almost makes me mad my homework isn't done. Just kidding, who gives a fuck about homework?

I Fucked Up

Alright alright my bad. The new season of South Park starts tonight. I jumped the gun and got everyone all excited like a douche. Anyway watch a preview of the season 15 premiere "Human CentiPad" here. Is making fun of Steve Jobs and Apple ever not funny? I don't think so. So 10 PM tonight, enjoy.

And after catch my favorite new show Workaholics. Last episode they took mushrooms while camping the weekend in their office building, with fucking hilarious results. What will they do tonight? Find out for your fucking lazy-ass self. It's on after South Park.

Sony Hacked like Noobs

So apparently the Playstation network has been down because Sony got their dumbasses hacked. They not only delayed informing customers whose information was compromised, but they also tried to hush up their efforts to secure what might be a big flaw in security of their network.

From the LA Times:
Hackers who gained access to personal information last week were able to steal names, addresses, phone numbers, user names, birth dates, email addresses and passwords, Sony said. The company said it did not know whether credit card information was stolen.

"While there is no evidence at this time that credit card data was taken, we cannot rule out the possibility," Sony PlayStation spokesman Patrick Seybold wrote on the company's blog. "If you have provided your credit card data through PlayStation Network or Qriocity, out of an abundance of caution we are advising you that your credit card number (excluding security code) and expiration date may have been obtained."

Sony last week shut down its PlayStation Network service, saying it had been the target of an "intrusion," but did not release details until Tuesday.

The delay drew criticism from Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.), who fired off a letter to the president of Sony's PlayStation business in the U.S., Jack Tretton, saying he was "troubled by the failure of Sony to immediately notify affected customers of the breach and to extend adequate financial data security protections."

What up Sony, suck it. You are all over the New York Times, and LA Times looking like fools. You think parents will cough up the credit card to the kiddies for downloads when their info is getting given up like a crackwhore giving up the poon for rock? Doubt it.

Microsoft, you better take advantage of this shit. Put those overpaid marketing fucks to work and get on stealing Sony's market share. Hop to it.

Saratoga High Grad on Jeopardy

Alright toga on the map yet again. Saratoga High School grad Ian Pickus is going to be on Jeopardy, the episode is running this Friday at 7:30.

From the Saratogian:
Rensselaer resident and 2003 Saratoga Springs High School graduate Ian Pickus has realized a lifelong dream: he will appear as a contestant on the game show Jeopardy! this week.

Pickus’s run on the program will premiere locally at 7:30 p.m. Friday on WTEN, and though he’s sworn to secrecy about the results, he did say that it was something that he spent years of his life preparing for.

A diehard fan of the program, Pickus took the online Jeopardy! contestant test five times, and only finally received a call for an in-person interview last year. Before that, he said he would spend hours studying various subjects that appear often on the show, like opera, ballet, Greek mythology and explorers, narrow categories with a wide array of possible answers.

All that preparation has paid off, and even though the experience is now behind him, Pickus said he’ll still remain an avid fan of the show.

“Jeopardy! is one of the few (television) institutions left that demands something from its viewers,” he said. “There’s something very pure about being a curious human who likes learning facts about the world. That doesn’t go away after an experience like this.”

Pickus's mother, Rhoda, is the HR manager at The Saratogian. She said her son “is always passionate and diligent when he commits to a goal or objective.  Being a contestant on Jeopardy was a long-term dream, which he was fortunate to realize.”

This is some serious shit. I always thought that people who get on Jeopardy are some close-knit club of people that just sit in libraries and read encyclopedia's and shit. All I know is I'll be watching on Friday and cheering my ass off for Ian. Do it up, represent for Saratoga.

Man Issue: Cockblocking

It's happened to all of us, we've done it at least once in our lives, on purpose or mistake. It is the horrific phenomenon known as cockblocking.

From urban dictionary:

1.	cock blocking
	To hinder, by whatever means, the chances of another male from getting a sexual encounter with a female.  Man, will you get da fuck outta here and stop cock blocking me you Ja Rule loving parasite.

Alright for guys this one is easy. It is a fucking cardinal sin to cock block one of your boys. Even if he is wasted off his ass and about to take home a Blue Whale, it is his choice as a man to go whaling, interference is heresy.

Although, I think cock blocking is permissible in one case. That case being if you also want to bang the chick he is going after and you actually have an equal or better shot.

For guys who have girl friends this gets tricky. Girls are cock blocks. They will either make it seem like they hate the other chick and not let you separate her from your cock blocking female friend, or they will just hang on you and not let you fuck anyway but make it clear to the girl you are actually trying to bone that she has no shot.

There is another common cock blocking scenario. The sober/ugly/jealous friend of your target. This person will either try to protect your prey by whisking her away from you, or will just stand in the conversation and fuck your game up the entire time. If she is ugly, she will talk about how hot she is and try to get you to vomit. If she is jealous she will act like she hates you and why would her other friend want to fuck a dude as douchey as you. And the worst one is the sober friend. She will guilt her companion about being a drunken slut, and at the same time bitch at you about trying to fuck a drunk girl and yadda yadda who cares she is sober.

The important part about cock blocking is knowing your cock block and the defense you can use.

DEFENSE:

Jealous Friend - Jealous friend just wants to be validated for being attractive like her friend you are trying to give the bone one to. This is a slippery slope. You must make jealous friend feel attractive and important (a good wing man is a perfect option) without actually going too far and making her ugly ass think you want to fuck her. There are some problems here, if the target is insecure she might get tricked into thinking you do want to fuck her friend. You must constantly assure her that is not true. A wing man is really essential for this type of cock block.


Ugly Friend - Ugly friend also wants to be acknowledged. But she is smart and will see through your compliments for the bullshit they are. This is when a special type of wing man is important to have around. The Grenade- Jumper. A grenade jumper is that friend everyone has who will fuck anything will a pulse either when wasted, or sober too. He will leap on the grenade and leave you home free. If none are around there are a few other approaches at your disposal.

1. The Tucker Max - Be a dick to her and see how long she can hang. Mix in touching and flirting with the insults to the hippo.

2. The Nice Guy - hey, nice guys get laid too people. Compliment both females and co-op ugly with alcohol. Ugly girls like to drink so they don't feel as bad. Keep a steady stream of alcohol pouring down her gullet and then separate her from target friend and smash.

Sober Friend - This is a fairly easy one. Sober people find drunk people obnoxious, use this to your advantage. Talk loud and make fun of sober friend. Ask her if she really believes that not drinking will earn her credits with some cloud-sitting deity who doesn't exist anyway. Ask her if her step-father got wasted and touched her so she hates demon rum. Be relentless. She is probably the DD for your target however, so this strategy will cost you cab fare. Who the fuck cares.

The bottom line is the guy who gets laid is the guy who has seen and worked through many cock blocking scenarios successfully. Practice makes perfect. There are certain situations where the cock block is not worth even fighting against. If the cock block is a blood relative of the target their bond cannot be broken except by the best of bullshitting or the fucking best wing man ever.

If the cock block is the target's boyfriend do not engage. Face-crushing may ensue, search for a better target.

If target is wearing a wedding band she may appear more attractive. However husbands do not react well to finding their wives in bed getting rammed in the ass like a prison shower by a twenty-something. In his bed. Do not engage target.

Also, in the event your friend cock blocks you and fucks the target, if you want to bitch a neutral friend must be called on to resolve the dispute. If both bro's chances of fucking the poon were even or in his favor, you must stop bitching. If not, he buys you a beer.

Stay thirsty my friends.

NFL Lockout, Over but Not Really

From ESPN:
Some players tried to go back to work Tuesday, but most who did were told they couldn't work out at team facilities once they entered the building in one of the oddest days in league history. The New York Giants allowed defensive tackle Giants Chris Canty to work out but then later Tuesday released a statement saying no players would be allowed to do the same Wednesday. 

Most left in a matter of minutes with more questions than answers.
"It drives me insane, that's what it does," said Chicago rookie J'Marcus Webb, who was told he and a handful of other Bears couldn't use the team's weight room. "I'm trying to eat healthy and work out, do my job and right now I'm just stuck at home working out and watching cartoons all day.
"What's up with that? Let me get back to what I do best."

That could take a while. The 2011 season, and the business between 32 teams and their thousands of anxious players, are in a holding pattern. The NFL said Tuesday that it needed "a few days to sort this out" and provide some rules for everyone to follow.

Jerry Jones, and you thought he was the only douche NFL owner

Look, I'm not a law guy. I don't understand why the NFL players are being treated like children. If the lockout was broken by a judge, they should get to work out. These are professional athletes, they don't need trainers and coaches to properly work out. Give me a fucking break NFL. All this shit just makes the owners look like huge douchebags. Good PR move not letting players work out, jackasses.

Jam of the Week

Alright shout out to Grandj for putting me on to this song. He knows I love Tyga. This song is sick. Can I admit I really like YG? I mean Toot it & Boot it is another sick jam. Maybe it's just because I'm white.

Humpday Hotty: Olivia Munn

Hottest TV nerd by far. Olivia Munn started off on G4 TV and now everyone realizes she is a big ball of sex. I'm catching on too.

This Chick Kills Busta

Okay I love the Look At Me Now song with Busta and Lil Wayne and Chris Brown. Busta is a crazy-fact rapper. But this chick... is better?



Thanks to my queen for showing me this girl rip apart this song. Sign her ass up!

Atlanta (IHOP) is Nuts

I never realized how crazy fucking Atlanta is, you can't even grab a late-night stack of flapjacks without a black chick getting duffed by a cop right next to your booth.



I don't know how Zev and those guys in the ATL do it. I mean fuckin' a when I'm drunk as shit and trying to get some grub at Compton's or Denny's the last thing I want is cops in the place punching people. Atlanta is fucking crazy.

Crazy Fuck Shoots at "Repo Games"

So tonight Spike is debuting a show called "Repo Games." I guess they come to repo your shit unless you can answer trivia or some shit. But everyone is flipping out about the shooting that took place on the set of the show.

From TMZ:
Sometimes mug shots tell the story ... which is the case with the dude who was arrested for attempted murder after allegedly shooting at the film crew for "Repo Games" in Las Vegas last night.



Carlos Barron got extremely bent out of shape at around 9:45 last night, after the film crew was shooting video of a car being repossessed a few doors down.  The 40-year-old became irate after a van was parked outside his home.  While the crew was shooting the game show portion in front of the neighbor's house, Barron allegedly opened fire.

No one was hurt, but the show, which debuts tonight on Spike TV, sounds pretty awesome.

Look, talk about dumb criminals. They weren't even going to repo this guys shit. It was his neighbor they were after. So why the fuck do you come out shooting? Well done Carlos, now you are on the hook for attempted murder. Talk about a case of the Mondays.

Fat Albert is a Sixers Fan, and has Moves

Whatup Miami Heat, you can't compete with this shit.

Nobody like that is cheering on Lebron in South Beach you can bet your ass. That's pure heart right there.

Epic Meal Time Goes Big

Alright so in case you aren't a Youtube nerd you might have missed that Epic Meal Time is going big. I posted about them way back when with their Drunk Breakfast and now they are getting millions of hits and they got their own website up. Doing big things, thanks to me I'm sure. Jesus, they are sold out of all 5 types of shirts they have. Cha-fucking-ching. They are making bank.

Their latest video is just nuts. Vegetarians need not even try to watch.




I'll say it again, dudes are genius. Their only expenses for these videos are basically the food, booze and camera. It seems like a lot when they are copping fast food like it's nothing. But genius nonetheless.

Also I feel the need to call out Wendy's, McDonald's, and A&W. They take forever to make 15 burgers. I mean don't fatass people roll through and cop like eight burgers? This is just twice that. Come on fast food chains, step your shit the fuck up. Epic Meal Time need their food now motherfuckers.

Facial Flex

Okay women, it is officially time to look at yourselves when you are talking about men fucking with womens' self esteem and shit. Look at this fucking thing.



You guys are doing that to yourselves, and before you tell me it's fake, go fuck yourselves. It's real as Kim Kardashian's ass. But please don't buy it women. This is the dumbest thing ever.

Torture yourself, I'm not sure why.

I don't even understand what this product does? Make you smile wider? Or let you take my fat dick into your mouth easier? I don't know this all seems very confusing. But it is hilarious that the woman in the commercial tries to make it seem like it doesn't suck. We all know it sucks. And fifty bucks to. What the fuck? I hope you have more confidence than to think that a skinny smile is setting you back in life, don't buy that bullshit. Skinny smiles are in.

New Book About Sex

Alright well it is nothing new, but a new book called A Billion Wicked Thoughts, based on the largest internet sex study ever undertaken, has flushed out some interesting information about sexual arousal, porn selection, and other shit.

From the Daily Beast:

Men Are Wired to Objectify
It may sound like a lame excuse, but the authors say men are wired to view women's anatomy as objects. A computer engineer would say the male brain is like an "OR gate"—a machine turned on by any single stimulus. "It doesn't take much to trigger male arousal," Ogas says. Breasts, women kissing, a news photo of a woman's bottom—they pretty much all do the trick. Still, men aren't totally predictable. The single-most popular search term users entered into PornHub, the most heavily trafficked adult site in the world, isn't "teens" or "cheerleaders," as some of us might predict, but—get ready—"mom."

Women Aren't Easy to Figure Out
If the male brain is like a single toggle switch, then the female brain is "the cockpit of an F-1 fighter jet," says Gaddam—chock full of wires and buttons and interconnected fuses. So while a man might need little more than a beautiful woman to pique his interest, a chiseled face or six-pack abs simply won't do it for most women: They need to be emotionally turned on, too (which might help explain why just 2 percent of all paid porn subscriptions are made on credit cards with women's names, according to one billing service). "Women need to feel comfortable and safe and desired as well as physically attracted," says Ogas. Complicated, sure. But oh-so-alluring.

Okay okay we get it. Guys are simple-minded douchebags. But the study also talks about how 20 "interests" make up 80% of porn searches. So basically most of us like about 20 different things like "young" or "MILF" but then there are those 20% of searches that are for like  "asian poops on midget". Makes me feel better knowing that most of us aren't ridiculous.


And of course dudes like extremes. No matter the age of the dude, the idea of the sexy young cheerleader and the idea of the sexy MILF are as American as throwing in a lip at a NASCAR race. Just pure Amurica.

Follow the link up top to read other shit the study found out.

Did This Dude Just Become a Chick?

Wow. This is probably one of the most serious shots to the nuts I have ever seen. And I've seen some ugly junk hits.




That dude's balls were the airbag for the long-boarder's head. That was just devastating. You know when you watch a video and you almost feel the hit? Yeah, I'm cringing right now. I think that might have resulted in total loss of testicles. Cheapest sex-change ever.

NBA, Why Riding One Superstar Backfires

So it is coming to round two of the NBA Playoffs, and there is one theme that is prevalent on the surface of many of the first-round series. Injuries. Chauncey Billups' injury crippled the Knicks ability to compete with the Celtics, Derrick Rose is listed as questionable by the Bulls for game 5.

From ESPN:
The Chicago Bulls have listed Derrick Rose as questionable for Game 5 on Tuesday against the Indiana Pacers.



Rose underwent an MRI on Sunday, which showed a sprained left ankle. Rose didn't practice Monday, but coach Tom Thibodeau is optimistic Rose will play and said the swelling is down. He'll receive a pain-killing injection before Game 5.

"He's feeling a little better," Thibodeau said. "Hopefully he'll be able to go tomorrow."
Rose twisted the ankle during the first quarter of Game 4 on Saturday in Indianapolis. He left the court and returned in the second quarter, but he didn't seem as explosive. 

Both Kobe Bryant and Chris Paul are fighting through injuries as well.

Kobe hurt his ankle in the Lakers game 4 loss against the Hornets.

From ESPN:
NEW ORLEANS -- Kobe Bryant rolled his left ankle late in the Los Angeles Lakers' 93-88 loss to the New Orleans Hornets in Game 4 of their first-round series on Sunday.

"It's sore," Bryant said, conducting his postgame interview in the training room area of the visitor's locker room at New Orleans Arena rather than at the podium for the televised press conference. "It just rolled over. It's been weeks since I hurt it last and when it happens, when you roll your ankle once, it's easy to go and it just went."

Kobe is now saying the injury is his foot more than his ankle.

So we all know this happens. The NBA season is fucking long. But this is the reason why teams win NBA Championships, not single players. The New Orleans v Lakers series is the perfect example. Chris Paul versus Kobe. Whoever has a worse game loses it for their team. If Kobe is hurt CP 3 could lead the Hornets to the next round because of one player's foot. That's not a good team.

This is why teams like the Heat and Celtics. They are complete teams. If Paul Pierce is off, Kevin Garnett goes nuts. If Lebron is having a bad game, D Wade just starts dropping buckets. This is why I'm calling the Celtics v Heat to be the best series in the NBA Playoffs, two teams with more than one superstar. That is how you win championships.

Celtics on the Warpath

So the Celtics completed a sweep of the New York Knicks last night at Madison Square Garden. The Knicks looked like they would rather be golfing for three quarters of the game. They tried to stage a comeback, but I mean come on guys, when Anthony Carter has to lead the comeback and you have Amare and Melo on your team you know you are fucked. Highlights here.

The Knicks had no answer for Rondo

Now we are probably going to have to play the Heat. It will be the best series of the playoffs except for maybe the Finals. I anticipate a 7 game series that is going to be hard fought. Technicals, trash-talking, close games. Fuck the Knicks, on to the real competition.

Concert Review: Bassnectar

Alright I'm not a real crazy dubstep-head or whatever the fuck they are called. But 4,500 people packed into the Washington Armory in Albany spazzing out to crazy beats and shit sounded like a good Saturday to me. And it was. Bassnectar played from around 10:30 until past midnight and I don't know the names of the songs or anything so I don't know what he played or didn't play. But the place was a fucking mad house.

There was the usual bullshit, three-block long line to get in complete with nitrous mafia assholes slanging balloons for five bucks a pop. Sketchy dudes selling Molly and whatever. But the visual show Bassnectar put on was unbelievable. The only thing I didn't like was the dude has some hipster-dubstep hater thing against glowsticks. One got tossed at him on stage and he picks it up and goes "Glowsticks are so 90's blah blah." Really bro? Do you understand the people who go to your shows? People who fucking love glowsticks. Why be a douche and act like you are better than that? Maybe if you played real music people wouldn't bring glowsticks.

Metal band reject is too cool for glowsticks

Other than that the show was dope. He did a remix of "Shimmy Shimmy Ya" by ODB. So sick.

And the same day of Bassnectar it got announced that Snoop Dogg will come to Northern Lights on May 28th. You better fucking be there, I know I will be. Info here.

Charlie Sheen is a Boss

From TMZ:
D.C. police have announced ... an internal investigation is underway to find out who authorized multiple units to use lights and sirens to escort Sheen from the airport to his live show Tuesday night ... when he was running about an hour late.

Sheen tweeted during the incident -- posting a photo of a speedometer right around the 80 mph mark and writing, "in car with Police escort in front and rear! driving like someone's about to deliver a baby! Cop car lights."

This is how a boss gets to their show. And this is how I drive from North Adams to Saratoga. I'm out. Have a good weekend peeps. And if you didn't read the email from my boy Zev, read that shit and listen to his single. I've played it like 20 times in the last 12 hours. It's catchy, trust me.

Not so Easy being Emma Watson

So apparently Harry Potter star Emma Watson dropped out of school at Brown. I barely pay attention to this shit but I couldn't let this slide. In an interview with Vanity Fair she talked about being teased by students and shit.

From the NY Daily News:
The Brit beauty might not have magic powers, but a source close to Brown University (where Watson was enrolled from fall 2009 until this past winter) tells us the star's brainy ways may have led to her classmates' heckling – and perhaps a reason why she left the Providence, R.I., institution.

The insider says Watson didn't shy away from class participation and often would "answer something in class and get it right," calling the 21-year-old actress "really smart." Unfortunately, this brought out the sophisticated wit and cinematic expertise of her Ivy League peers.

According to the source, her classmates "would respond [to her answer] with a quote from 'Harry Potter.'" The most popular choice was "Three points for Gryffindor!" – a reference to the movie's dormitory system, and a congratulatory phrase in the films when a student got a correct answer.

And I thought the Ivy League was a bunch of nerds. Yelling out "three point for Gryffindor!" when she answers right? That is comedic genius AND tormented the hell out of her apparently. I mean don't get me wrong, I'd probably go the route of trying to bang the millionaire in class, but if you are a desperate loser you can always just make her life hell too. Either way I think this is a fine lesson about bullying.

Everyone these days is making a huge deal of bullying in schools. Well look, even semi-cute millionaire smart girls get made fun of in the Ivy League. Bullying is what we do when we feel intimidated. Or our parents beat us at home and we want to share the love.

It serves her right anyway. You are in America Emma, being a movie star here means you just run around Hollywood doing blow in bathrooms and sucking producers' dicks for movie roles. Get it right you uppity Brit whore.

Email

Alright alright I'm blowing up in this bitch. Dude hit me up from Atlanta, up and coming white rapper. I was skeptical at first but then I listened to his single and it's kinda hot. Like to be real I think this kid could be the next Sammy Adams. The beat isn't all weird and shitty like Sam Adams and the kid has a pretty good voice and shit. Well he became a fan of the blog and I take care of my fans, so here you go peeps.

Email:

Hey how's it going? Found you on blogspot through the hip hop interest search. I'm a 19 year old up and coming hip-hop artist here in Atlanta, GA so I thought I'd make the connect. Just wanted to hit you up and say that you have a fresh blog. Also, if you're interested you can find my new single at zevmusic.bandcamp.com, and my bandpage on Facebook at http://listn.to/Zev. If you like it, and are willing to share the music with your friends, or on your blog, that would be awesome. Any support is always great. Also, you should definitely check out our music crews blog mytruevisionmusic.blogspot.com . A lot of great material. Anyways, hope all is well, and I look forward to seeing what you post in the future. 

Peace,

Zev,

Hit up his single here. I love the idea of it. The "two-week" girl. It's fun and playful and the beat is pretty good. Give it a few listens, shit grows on you like a vine. Show the dude some love because he obviously has ill taste in blogs. Holla. Jesus I'm hooked on this track like crack right now. I'm putting dudes on.

This is Not my Track!

Alright Karaoke is a shitty artform. Everyone blows at singing or else they'd be a singer and not doing karaoke. So when you fuck up you can't really blame the sound guy. You still suck man. Bad.



This not my track! This is one of those videos that walks the fine line between funny, pathetic, and who gives a fuck. I'm still not sure which it is.

The Thing About 420...

Alright today is going to be a lean day on the blogging. I got real life shit to do people, get over it.

But I had to talk about one thing I've noticed about 4/20 over the years. It brings out morons by the truckload. People walking around with sunglasses on and it's dark out laughing like idiots talking about how cool weed is. These are the people that make me want to kill 4/20. Can't everyone just shut the fuck up and listen to music and blaze and talk and hang out? I think people who make the biggest deal about 4/20 are the people who smoke the least. Like come on people, try to at least act like pro's.

The real stoners are the ones who aren't running around giggling about being high in public or smoking in the open. They have done it before and act the part. The rookies are the ones who think it is some crazy big deal to be stoned out of your mind in class or something. Like anyone gives a fuck. Act like you've been high before or stick to booze.

Don't Fuck With Defense

I love it, the best part about defense in lacrosse is the fucking massive stick you get to clock people with. Try to tie me up attack guy? Eat it.


Lacrosse Cheap Shot To Head

This is what you get for that pussy swipe you took at the defender after the whistle. Now that's what I call  a slash.

420 Stuff

Alright so today is 420 as I'm sure all of you potheads know. I've put together a list of shit for your stoned ass to enjoy on this most hallowed of days.

420 Humpday Hotty: Mary-Louise Parker

Guyism: The Stoner Bucket List

Some of the shit is stupid and out of reach of us poor people, but most of the stuff is alright.

Here's some uppity bullshit from people who don't want you to smoke on 420. I know I don't get it either.

What, you wanted more from me? Go smoke outside and hump a tree or something, fucking hippies.

420 Humpday Hotty: Mary-Louise Parker

Happy 420 everyone. The star of the Weeds on Showtime is smoking hot. I can't believe I overlooked her. I mean she is a little bit old. She is 46. But slamming nonetheless. Oh and I found naked titties so don't look at this shit at work, if you're a pussy.

Loser of the Week Already

Alright Alright I know it's only Tuesday but tell me this chick isn't the loser of the week. You can't, she sucks, game over.




BOOM Shakalaka.

New VW Beetle

Alright so Volkswagen is redoing the whole Beetle concept and the new 2012 looks pretty dope. The only downside to the fresh interior and Fender speakers is, you are driving a Beetle.

From Freshness Mag:




Abiding its moniker as “The People’s Car”, Volkswagen made a simulcast introduction in Shanghai, Berlin, and New York on the newest Volkswagen Beetle. What is to be the 3rd generation within the Beetle franchise, its new silhouette no longer prescribed to the round, cutesy design, or so-called “3 semi-circles” of the past. 

Now, with edge and aggressive stance, the 2012 Beetle is 3.3 inches wider, a bit lower, and 6 inches more in length. For the first time, Bi-Xenon headlights will be available as well as LED daytime running lights. An updated appearance on its interior as well, the new design sports a functional yet fun interior that inclueds a large panoramic glass roof that tilts or slides. Blast away your stress with a 400 watts sound system, courtesy of Fender Premium Audio System and Panasonic.

Deemed to be the most powerful and cleanest Beetle ever, VW will offer 3 trims with different drivetrain specs. A basic 2.5-liter 5-cylinder engine with an output of 170hp and 177lbs-ft of torque. Those who are performance driven may opt for the 2.0-liter TSI engine with its 200hp and 207lbs-ft of torque. Finally, fuel economy comes in the form of 2.0-liter Clean Diesel engine, a 140hp engine capable of 40 MPG Highway, 29 MPG City, and 33 MPG combined.
 
The new 2012 Volkswagen Beetle is set to launch this September/October across North America follow by Europe and finally, Asia in February 2012.

So look, I'll preface this by saying I drive a motherfucking mini-van. But the Beetle is a woman's car. Tricking out the interior is sick and everything, but everyone still just sees you driving by trying to be fly in a Beetle. Sorry VW, making the Beetle cool isn't possible, even if the inside looks like I'm in a Lexus.